Ten Thousand Days - 2 - Viginti Tres
by Valyssia
Parabole
[reviews]
Alive, I... In this holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in this body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in this body, this body holding me, feeling eternal. All this pain is an illusion.
Willow was a bit surprised how literally the slayer had meant the simple phase, 'You lead.' Watching out of the corner of her eye as her partner unquestioningly packed a bag, she gathered a few items for herself. Traveling light was the plan. She looked at the passport she held in her hand. So many places she'd never seen; One day, she reassured herself, placing the document into her purse. "We need to call Dawnie next and get Xander on the same page. I'm sorry for making you wait, I just—twice is too much...and this is what she wanted—she wanted her family together," she babbled absently, struggling to focus enough to collect what she'd need.
"Let me do that for you," Buffy replied, taking the clothing from the witch's trembling hands. "I'll pack; you rest," she said in an even tone.
"Thanks...I just—" Willow stuttered, flopping onto the bed. "I feel guilty...and way overwhelmed. I don't know if I can do this."
Offering her partner a concerned glance, Buffy merely said, "I know, Wills." When she turned back to the dresser, something caught her eye. Smiling fondly, she picked up the little red silk pouch, passing it to Willow. "That's yours now," she whispered. Leaning in to give the redhead a tender kiss, she quietly went back to packing without further comment.
From the moment the tiny bag touched Willow's skin, she was aware of what she'd been handed. The memories came flooding back; she watched her counterpart painstakingly creating the little pouch, silk and velvet, soft and luxurious. Both fabrics felt wonderful to the touch. She could sense the glow of the quartz through the layers of material. It felt unmistakably like Buffy. I bet this was hard to leave behind. She was going hunting...taking this part of her life with her wouldn't make a lot of sense. But still...musta been hard.
Unbuttoning the next button down on her shirt, Willow tucked the pouch into her bra over the tattoo. She never carried it like this, but it feels good right over my heart... Not sure I can get more sappy, but I'm willing to give it a sincere effort, she reflected. Closing her blouse, a warm sentimental smile played at her features.
The moment Buffy finished preparing the way for them, they set off. The next hour seemed to Willow to last an eternity as she followed the slayer through the motions. They met Xander just before passing through the portal to the Berkley coven's home. She mouthed all the correct greetings and kindnesses polite society expects. She left the company of the woman who regarded her with fond familiarity—but whom she had never met—as quickly as possible.
Buffy made all the proper apologies, blaming the work the other Willow had done to retrieve her for the unrest. It was pretty much the perfect excuse. Though they were obviously curious, no one pressed the issue.
***********
Grateful that the car ride to Dawn's home had been mercifully short, Willow sat on an overstuffed loveseat in a bright airy space that she knew to be Dawn's living room. The other Willow's memories of the realtor's site filled in the blanks automatically for her.
"Getcha guys something to drink?" Dawn offered politely.
"No thanks," Buffy replied, "Just sit, Dawn," she added in a firm tone. Watching as Dawn took a seat, Buffy stood up and began pacing. Finally she stated the simple truth, "Willow's dead," not knowing how else to start. Well that was about eloquent... I deserve points for that. If there were other words, I'd be all about using them, though...
Willow shrank into the couch as Xander and Dawn's eyes set on her.
Xander was the first to speak in protest, "Ummm...Buffy?" he intoned, casting the slayer a look that suggested she might need to get her head examined.
"I'm not her," Willow said in a small voice, trying to shove down the tears. The turmoil in the room tore at her. She wanted nothing more than to disappear or run away. Staring at her shoes, she felt Buffy sit down next to her again, drawing her into a tight embrace. She listened as the slayer began the task of explaining about the wish and the other world.
The sense of being placed under a microscope and the feeling of growing disbelief in the room made Willow want to scream. Cutting Buffy off mid-sentence, she finally stood up, turning her back to her audience. She removed the pouch and placed it in her jeans pocket. Ripping off her shirt and bra, she let the garments fall to the floor. Covering her breasts with her hands, she turned around. "Not her," she repeated earnestly, finding herself in the same situation as Buffy. She took in the looks of shock from the onlookers, shrugging them off. There's stuff here we were led into. I dunno how else to make it plain, she reflected, feeling incredibly frustrated.
"You guys are just as thick as the Xander and Dawnie from my world. It's right here in front of you and still—" Willow fumed, turning to retreat down a hallway. No clue where the hell this goes, but...this part woulda been so much simpler without me.
Taking off after her witch for the second time that day, Buffy caught up quickly. Placing a comforting hand on her shoulder, she handed Willow her garments back. "Get dressed, sweetie... I'll deal with this and come get you when...well, when they're over the stupids," she instructed in a soothing voice. Adding with a warm smirk, "May take awhile."
"'Kay... I need to get my head together. I shouldn't— This is just too hard. But it's what she wanted so...I gotta do it... I mean, the only other thing she asked was that I be with you. And well—that was like asking me to—as a favor even—like it was a favor. 'Willow, I want you to be with'—big favor... She even said please, I think... So weird," Willow babbled almost coherently.
Taking the redhead into a gentle hug, Buffy caressed her bare back, trying to calm her. "Oh, Will... You should get dressed. You're getting cold. We'll get past this...I promise." She felt the redhead start to weep; holding her close, the slayer worked to soothe the upset away. Helping her dress, she led Willow down the hall, checking rooms until she found what appeared to be a guest room. She led her partner to the bed and guided her into a sitting position on the edge. Dropping to her knees to offer another embrace, she whispered, "You rest. I'll be back." After I choke Dawn and Xander.
Looking up sheepishly, Willow whispered, "Don't be too hard on them. They didn't know." Taking in the look of hostility on the slayer's face, she added, "Please, for me?" Releasing her partner, the redhead laid down, reaching out to claim Buffy's hand.
"'Kay...I'll try," Buffy confirmed. Rising to sit on the edge of the bed, she carefully swept locks of hair aside that had fallen into the redhead's eyes. Breathing deeply, she stood up. "I'll be good," she added, giving Willow's hand a reassuring squeeze before letting it go. She calmly left the room. By the time she was at the end of the hall, she was 'The Slayer'. They barely noticed her entrance. She glanced over at the mirror Willow had apparently overlooked and began in a low growl, "One word, Xander, and I'll be feeding you the other eye."
Looking over Dawn's shoulder at the slayer, he gave her an apologetic glance. "No words, Buffy."
Walking around the couch, Buffy saw that Dawn was in tears and Xander appeared to be not far behind. Her resolve melted as she watched the exchange. Taking a seat, she offered, "Sorry... It's just—"
Dawn lifted her head from Xander's shoulder and turned to face Buffy. Appearing furious, she demanded, "What happened?"
"It's complicated, Dawn," Buffy said, gazing down at the floor.
"When isn't it?" Dawn spat. Getting up, she pushed away from Xander and stormed out of the room.
From the look on her sister's face, Buffy was half expecting a slap as Dawn stomped by her. "Well this is going well," Buffy remarked casually, hearing a door slam moments later. We always did go for the big drama. Especially Dawn... Every act of our little production has a nice shiny number two, she mused wryly.
Xander rolled his eyes, turning to face Buffy, he commented in an accusing tone, "How is it you always seem to do this? I don't get you...is that blood in your veins or ice water?"
"Jesus, Xander...not you too," Buffy hissed, flashing him a threatening look. Anger rising inside her again, she took a deep breath to steady herself. Responding in a low growl, she said, "I'm only doing what I have to...what has to be done. You have no clue what the last few days have been like."
"Tell me, then. Make me understand. 'Cause right now..." Xander insisted vehemently, moving closer to Buffy on the couch.
"'Right now,' what? I feel disconnected...like I don't care. Utterly emotionless," Buffy snarled, trying to choke down the tears that were threatening to well up.
Xander worked to make sense of what was happening. "Yeah... How can you?"
Struggling to regain control, Buffy said in a flat voice, "It's not like I want this. I'm doing this for her."
"Still not getting it," Xander prodded, appearing confused.
Breathing deeply, Buffy began in an even, purposeful tone, "I had to, Xander. This morning, Wills and I were together—the new one—I was a wreck. Anyway...we both touched the megalith. Not sure how or why, but when we did...it did this glowy thing and, well...she wigged. She'd been repressing her gifts 'cause the world she's from was like a hell dimension... And...it was like flipping a switch: they were all turned on... That's how she put it, at least. When we do the strong emotion thing...she's just not used to it and it hurts her...like lots... And regardless what you think...it's still Wills...down to the last detail so..." By the time she finished, Buffy was chattering nervously, almost stream of consciousness.
As Xander followed the babble his mouth dropped open. It took him a moment to compose himself. "I'm sorry, Buffy," he finally offered in a low regretful tone.
"She's prob'ly in there freaking out over Dawn. I should go sit with her," Buffy said, standing up to leave.
"I'll go calm Dawn down. If I can, that is," Xander offered, rising off the couch, he made his way down the hall.
Buffy followed, grabbing his shoulder halfway down the hallway. She drew him into a tight hug as she whispered, "Thanks, Xander." Releasing him, she met his gaze. "This is just gonna be us. Don't let her make any calls, 'kay?" Seeing Xander nod, she headed back into the room with Willow. She could hear the redhead's stifled sobs before she cracked the door. Making her way hastily across the room, she slid into bed, pulling her partner into a tight embrace. "I gotcha now, Wills...it'll be okay," she whispered, offering calming caresses and gentle soothing noises.
Struggling at first to relax, Willow forced herself to focus on nothing in the house except Buffy. The tranquil reassurance washed over her and she drifted off to sleep.
***********
Hearing movement in the house, Buffy carefully pulled herself away from her partner. Rising to investigate, she located Xander and Dawn back in the living room. "We okay?" she asked in a subdued tone.
Dawn looked up, giving her sister a scathing stare. "If you mean 'can I forgive you?' No... But I need to hear the story," she reflected in a soft raspy voice. Crossing her arms in front of her, she set her gaze at the floor.
Buffy returned to the loveseat. Kicking off her sandals, she drew her legs up and leaned against the arm of the couch. "Dawn, you have to understand. I didn't cause this and I couldn't stop it. God knows I wanted to," she said in a low voice. Pausing to shrug, she amended, "I don't even know it all. Only Will does. She made me wait. She wanted to tell us all at the same time."
"Alright...tell me all you can, but—" Dawn stumbled, glancing up she added an implied 'if you think this will change anything' with her eyes. "She was like a mom to me, Buffy. And it was your job to protect her."
The words stung the slayer, but she struggled to remain impassive. Steeling herself, she began in a subdued tone, "I know, Dawn. You can't begin to imagine how impossible this has been for me. But it just is what it is...and I can't change it." She glanced sympathetically at her sister, asking in the same subtle voice, "Could I get that drink?"
"Sure...whatcha want?" Dawn replied flatly.
"Water's fine," Buffy answered, staring down at her lap.
"Xander?"
"Water's good," Xander said absently.
When Dawn returned Buffy wove the entire tale for the two of them in as much detail as she could manage. She showed them the new scar on her neck from fighting her vampire self. She mused silently, Other side this time... It's amazing I'm not covered in 'em. Occupational hazard... Wonder if I can get comp pay? "Last thing she told me was the story 'bout 'The War in Heaven.' You guys remember that movie with Christopher Walken? You know: The Prophecy?"
"Oh, I loved that movie!" Xander remarked, appearing just a little too excited. His enthusiasm quickly dissolved into awkwardness as he took in the looks the girls were giving him.
Feeling movement behind her, Buffy turned to look over her shoulder. Willow entered the room; her expression suggested a sort of detached indifference. It was the kind of resolve she'd had seen before when her partner had a task to complete she didn't want to do.
"I've been meaning to ask...why you let her tell you that story when you'd obviously heard it," Willow queried, settling on the small couch next to the slayer. "I mean the Gabriel thing...it was so apparent you both knew," she amended, giving her partner a pensive glance.
Looking down at her lap again, Buffy answered in a soft thoughtful tone, "It was a game we played...well, not a game really—but sorta. She knew how much I loved the research, so she'd pick something. It was like a bedtime story. But again, not really. We'd lay there at night after all the crazy of the day. Days tend to be crazy—just happens—and, well... It was like a sort of intimacy." Smiling softly to herself, she added, "Even if I had heard the story...didn't matter. 'Cause she'd always show me something about it I hadn't seen. Something I wouldn't normally think of...ya know?"
As Willow listened, she searched the memories and saw the pattern. She picked things Buffy had heard to help her build patience. It was intentional and random enough not to be tedious. Wow...pretty smart.
"Who's Gabriel?" Dawn asked, feeling a bit uncomfortable for interrupting what appeared to be a private exchange. It's so weird hearing Buffy talk about Willow in the past tense...to Willow... Feels like any minute Rod Serling's gonna say something.
Buffy looked up, smiling awkwardly, she remarked, "Nothing really...just a new bike." She punctuated the answer with a slight shrug, taking her witch's hand and drawing into her lap. "I'm all ears," she commented, giving Willow her full attention.
Releasing the hand, Willow rose from the couch, making her way to the archway the led into the kitchen. She glanced at the mirror and back at Buffy as she moved. "I'd like to get a drink too, if that's okay, Dawn," she prompted, turning her gaze to the young woman.
"Sure...make yourself at home," Dawn replied with a warm smile, noting the glance at the mirror.
As Willow left the room, she opened her thoughts to the slayer. Hope you're okay with that. It's just...I had no idea what else to do... and it was bad so—
Yeah...it's your body, Will. Whatever.
It's just flesh, Buffy... Flesh is good for two things, as far as I'm concerned: holding your insides...inside, and inflicting. Inflicting pain...pleasure...whatever the flavor of the day is... Modest, I'm not. I got over it. Willow sat back on the couch and reclaimed the slayer's hand as she finished the thought. She took a quick drink and placed the bottle on the table in front of her.
Wow, Will...dark much? Buffy offered flippantly.
Every minute of every day...can't help it.
Looking intently at the two women, Dawn began in a low thoughtful voice, "You know...I knew 'cause of the kanji. All I needed to see was your lower back. If you wanna pull this off...you sorta have two choices... I can help you with the one."
Willow looked up. "Kanji?"
"Yeah," Dawn offered, standing up she turned her back to the group and lifted her shirt. "Sorta like this one, only not... Will's was a Japanese kanji, really plain...it meant happiness. This is one means tranquility...you sorta go for what you most want to invoke—"
"You're so grounded," Buffy snapped just to see if Dawn would jump. She appeared satisfied when her sister reflexively flinched. Chuckling to herself, she settled back into the couch. "Sorry...had to..." she reflected in a quiet, mock guilty voice. Dawn shot her a dirty look while Willow and Xander both giggled.
Returning to her seat, Dawn offered, "I have a friend from school. She did this. She's doing the graphic arts thing and she works at a tattoo shop not far from here. I could call her. No pictures...just put it there. I mean, if you want..."
"I guess... Suppose it makes sense, but plain... I'm not so sure...not really my style," Willow answered, appearing pensive.
"So why not do it sorta like a cover-up. Start with the basic and then go over it so it looks like..." Dawn retorted in a thoughtful tone. "She's cool...really good at what she does and she knows about magick. So if you wanted to speed the healing... I did...I had a friend from the coven help me."
"Alright, Dawnie... We can talk more about it in the morning. Right now...it's getting late and I know Xander needs to get back," Willow said, turning her gaze as she spoke. "Xander...if you could run some interference for us... Buffy and I will be at least another day. After...I won't be good for awhile... I've got some stuff to figure out."
"Sure, Will. No problem," Xander replied in an amiable tone.
Nodding gratefully at Xander, Willow began, appearing cautious and thoughtful, "First thing ...this is like the Key... I know you guys had that, 'cause...well, 'Dawnie' so... What I say and who I am...it stays in this room. Those are her wishes—not so much mine. She felt and I can see it now—I sorta have a bunch of her memories and thoughts." She cleared her throat and took a drink.
"Anyway...she didn't trust much outside of this. You were her family and now you're mine...if you'll have me." Pausing again, Willow met each gaze, silently confirming the bond. "Different people, yeah, but the same people... Grieve in your own time, but on your own time. Only other person I can tell is Miss Hartness. That's how she wanted it. So, Dawn... If you need...come to one of us or... Same for you, Xander...door's open."
Xander cut the redhead off asking the obvious, "What about Giles? He's one of us."
Buffy interjected, "Not anymore... Wills didn't trust him and that's enough for me."
Willow took in the shocked looks, offering compassionate glances to quell some of the disturbance. "I could go into a long list of the why... It sorta built over time. Fact is, she had her reasons. Best of which—simplest... Power corrupts... Absolute power corrupts absolutely."
"You think it's the council?" Dawn asked, appearing slightly hurt.
Willow nodded, continuing to peer at the younger woman, her expression filled with sympathy. Looking around the room again, she waited for silence. "When two souls that are one converge, a gift threefold shall be offered," she recited from memory, still feeling a bit weird that it wasn't her memory. She paused, meeting Buffy's gaze. "That was it...the spell. She gave me the other pieces—the missing memories—and she gave me my powers... They seem so much like curses now, but that can change. I know it can. She sorta set the example."
Willow sighed deeply. "So now for the hard part...the why."
Beginning in a soft thoughtful voice Willow quoted, "It is not possible for a man to ride two horses or draw two bows, and it is not possible for a servant to serve two masters; or he will honor the one and insult the other." Pausing to look around the room, she smirked softly.
"Yeah I know...not exactly like either of us to quote scripture, but it really fits... See, Buffy...she told you that story 'cause she wanted you to understand that she was becoming something else. Thing is, she knew." Willow picked up the bottle again and took another quick drink before she resumed.
"The simple truth is you can't be totally good and have freewill. It's impossible. Freewill speaks to self, self to selfish... The angels in the story were stupid to ask...and it cost them dearly... You will always serve yourself even when you're trying your hardest to serve others...if for no other reason that it suits you to do it. It's a double edged sword." Willow fixed her attention on Buffy. "You can—and have—done the most selfless thing in the world. You gave your life for us...for your sister...for the world." She turned her focus to Dawn as she spoke. "How'd that make you feel, Dawnie?"
Dawn sunk into her seat on the couch, trying to appear as small as she could. The turn of attention was not at all what she expected or wanted. She shook her head. Speaking through gritted teeth, she said, "Don't do this to me, Will."
The witch moved her focus to her own lap before she began again. "You don't have to answer...we all know. It's just like this...tonight... You feel that Willow abandoned you. You felt your sister...despite the best intentions in the world—and there was that pesky impending doom thing too—you felt like she abandoned you. She was selfish...she served her own desire to make things better...it cost her everything. It was a choice though... She could've tossed you in and never looked back. Instead, she made a choice that left me feeling like someone carved a huge hole in my chest. None of this has to be rational...it just is...and it's bad.
"Things turn gray without us even trying. The good guys only wear white in old movies and children's books. We all wear gray. This is a human world. Human means flawed. You do good the best you can and someone always gets hurt. There are always repercussions," Willow offered in a small voice, knowing that what she was saying injured the others. She could feel the pain and it was making her sick.
Turning toward the slayer, Willow offered her a weak smile, taking in the wounded look on her face. "I'm sorry, Buffy." She turned to Dawn next. "I'm sorry...it's just—well, it's part of this...and I don't have a better way to explain it. All good, all the time...doesn't work... Not with the choices... The two things don't mix. That's probably why the slayer is meant to work alone. It sorta eliminates these pesky little annoyances. The love of family and friends never enters into it..."
Taking a deep breath and slowly releasing it, Willow forced herself to continue, "You know she told me she was going to redefine the word 'vengeance' for the demons of my world? I asked her and that's what she said. I had no clue what she meant." A wry smile played at the witch's lips as a mirthless chuckle escaped her. "Then she said she was gonna retire. The choice of words...well... What she did was kill every last demon in my world. All of them...and make it impossible for any more to visit. At least that's what she meant to do and I think she succeeded. The timing seems to indicate it."
"You're kidding!" Buffy gasped, just beating the others to the remark.
"No, that's what she was doing... I have an incomplete memory of a virus. It has promise, but the thing is...to deliver it... The power you'd need would be... She killed herself...overloaded herself intentionally to..." Willow whispered, starting fixedly at the floor.
"But why there?" Xander asked, purposefully subduing his emotions.
Willow cast Xander a pensive glance. "She said my world was more black and white than hers. Most of the real evil was demonic. It was perfect. Her words not mine... Here the evil is sorta more all around us. Like the thing with Giles...us not knowing or trusting. Because the demons in my world were so powerful they sorta were the evil."
"Back to the other...she was well on the path to transcending...becoming something different when I met her. And she knew she couldn't serve two masters... Herself and the good... You guys struggle with that constantly...weaving in and out of the gray...trying to walk that thin twisty line...make the right choices," Willow sighed deeply, flopping back onto the couch; it gave the appearance that she was deflating.
Willow placed her arm around her partner's back and pulled her close. "The example I used...the painful one we all hate to think about. That was best case...the most honorable of actions... What about worst case?" Stalling for a moment to let the idea sink in, she caressed her lover's back. "You begged her to strip your powers just the other night, Buffy. 'Cause you know that being too powerful and being human—being flawed... It's impossible. She pushed forward until it destroyed her...intentionally...for just that reason... She knew that by making that sacrifice she could...really change things.
"Almost done...sorry this is so complicated... The next part is the worst...the hardest... Remember asking her if she could read minds, Buffy?" Willow queried, reclaiming the slayer's hand.
"Yeah...she told me she could," Buffy confirmed.
"It was Xander...my Xander... He made the wish," Willow whispered, turning her attention to the young man. Setting up for a serious babble, she continued, "No wishes—'kay? They're bad... I know it wasn't you, but—still no wishes. D'Hoffryn got his ass handed to him on a platter. He's gonna be looking for some serious payback. That's one of reasons she wanted me to do this. She was scared for you. She owned him on a level that's never really happened. Wishes are seductive. He's really, really powerful because of that. So...if the words 'I' and that other one—the 'W' one—roll off your tongue together... Promise, I'll be handing it to you. Your tongue, that is!"
"Oh...kay... Got it. No wishes," Xander confirmed, looking around in hopes there was someone behind him.
"Will, if she knew...that means she could've fixed it, right?" Dawn inquired in a small voice.
"Yes," Willow responded flatly. "She chose this...just like Buffy chose... That's what makes it so hard. She saved me too. In fact, the only ones she didn't save are sitting in this room with me." Falling silent, she looked at the back of the hand she held. All of the strength she had managed conjure preparing for this drained out of her. She could feel the pressing grief in the room again; it left her weary and hollow. Finally she managed to weakly croak, "I'm so sorry," dissolving immediately to tears.
Buffy stood up, scooping the witch off the couch; she met her sister's gaze. "If it's okay?" She motioned to the hallway with a slight tilt of her head.
Shaking out of her reverie, Dawn answered with a slight gasp, "Oh...oh, yeah, Buffy...go ahead."
Moving quickly down the hall, Buffy felt Xander behind her. She waited at the door for him to open it. "Thanks, Xander. We'll let you know when we get home...should be tomorrow night. If not...you'll get a call."
"'Kay, Buffy... Don't stress. I can handle the home thing for a while," Xander replied, watching the slayer carry Willow into the room.
Placing Willow onto the bed, Buffy returned to give Xander a quick hug. "I'm gonna go get our stuff. I'll be right back," she said in a voice just above a whisper, following Xander back into the living room. Directing her attention to Dawn, she asked, "You'll be okay getting Xander back?"
"Yeah... We'll be fine. Just take care of Will. I'll see you two in the morning. I have classes in the afternoon, but..." Dawn said, appearing distracted.
Collecting their luggage, Buffy returned to the room. Locking the door behind her, she made her way to the bed. Silently, she helped Willow undress. Quickly shedding her own clothing, she slid under the covers. Curling up next to her witch, she whispered, "I love you," feeling the need to say something. It was the only thing that came to mind that didn't sound crass or just plain dumb.
Still emotionally overloaded and weepy, Willow gratefully snuggled up to her slayer. "And I love you," she responded in a ragged voice. Focusing all of her attention on Buffy, she calmed, drifting serenely off to sleep.