A Small Creature Who Can Barely Walk
by zingrrrl
2. and we keep wondering when we're gonna feel something real
[reviews]
disclaimer: see first chapter, they haven't changed.
notes: Thanks to Valyssia for the beta on this chapter. And thanks to everyone who left a review.
2
and we keep wondering when we're gonna feel something real
Your world not mine. Your world not ours. I will resist with every inch and every breath. I'll resist this psychic death. There's more than two ways of thinking. There's more than three ways of being. There's more than four way of knowing. There's more than one way of going somewhere. Silence inside of me, silence inside. I will resist with every inch and every breath. I will resist this psychic death. - Resist Psychic Death - Bikini Kill
I watched Willow through the glass of her patio door. She sat at her computer desk by the far catty-corner wall, her back to me, pounding away at her laptop keyboard. Hopefully she was on the net, tying up the phone line the whole night. I didn't think Giles had called her or she'd be a lot less casual and a lot more prepared. Goody for me, he was slipping. He'd failed me, and now he'd failed her. When I got around to killing him, I'd make it extra painful; force him to understand just how much his failure hurt.
I listened with fascination to sounds only slightly muted by the glass panes of the door; the slow, relaxed beat of her heart, her fingers clacking rhythmically against the keyboard, the gentle inhalation and exhalation of her breath. Somehow, I felt my rage lessening as I closed my eyes and concentrated on her breathing. The anger and resentment were still there, very much near the surface. But other emotions crept in, ones I hadn't even known were possible for me to feel in death. She was important to me, maybe even more important than Angel had been which made me suddenly extremely grateful I'd buried the feelings I had for her so deep that I was unaware of them except when I thought about them. If Angelus had found out about how I felt, he would have killed her without hesitation, left her dead body in my bed instead of Jenny's in Giles'. My eyes popped open. Am I ...
I stepped back away from the door and hid behind a wide trestle thick with overgrown ivy. Pushing her chair back from her desk, she snapped the laptop shut. I listened to her stand and walk around her room, her soft-soled sneakers echoing her movement. If she was off the computer, that meant her phone line would be clear.
I peeked around the trestle and tried to look through the door, but the angle was bad and all I could make out was her bed and the left corner of her desk. The blinds of the window beside the door were drawn closed. By the sounds of her footsteps, she stood before her dresser, in the corner opposite the outside door. I didn't hear a drawer open.
Stepping out from behind the ivy, I moved back to the door, She looked like she was about to get undressed to change for bed and watching her do that was too stalkery creepy, even for evil dead me. Just no way was I going to violate her like that. I banged my knuckles softly against the wooden frame of the door.
Startled, she turned quickly from her dresser, relaxing when she saw that it was me. Silly Will. I shook my head slightly as she walked over to the door and opened it. "Come on in, Buffy," she said.
"Thanks, Will," I said, entering the house. "Did Giles call?" I didn't think he had, or she would have never invited me inside. But I had to be sure, so I asked.
"No," she said, shaking her head. What was wrong with him? He had to know I'd make my way here eventually. Didn't he give a damn? Before my birthday I was positive that he cared, but now, who knew? Why didn't he warn her about me? Sure, she was on the net, but this was her life we were talking about. What was his game? And why was it making me so angry? After all, I'd come to turn her. Suppressing the smile that threatened to form on my lips, I forced my face into a horrified look. "Oh god, Will it was horrible. Angel went nuts ... I think ..."
She fidgeted with panic. "Buffy, what did he do?"
"He attacked Xander ..."
"Is Xander okay ?" she managed to get the question past her lips as she started hyperventilating.
"I don't know," I said, trying to force tears. I got my eyes to glisten. "I had to get here before Angel came, had to make sure he wouldn't get to you first." I shoved the door closed with my foot and wrapped my arms around her shoulders, hugging her tightly. "I don't know what I would have done if he'd gotten here first."
She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me back. "You're cold Buffy."
I nuzzled her neck as my face began to morph into my demonic visage. My face snapped back to human as I suddenly shoved her away. I couldn't help myself with Mom, just didn't have it in me to fight the compulsion to kill her. And I'd been so angry with Xander once I'd figured out he'd lied to me. No way was I killing Willow, not even to turn her. She'd never done anything but try to help and be there for me. It was hard to explain just what I felt for her, but love was a major part of it. She was the most important person in my world at the moment. "The cross necklace you hide in your dresser, put it on," I said.
"Huh?" she asked, her face scrunched up in confusion, her tone hurt.
"Just put the cross on! Please!" I begged. Tears trickled down from my eyes. Who was I crying for? My victims? Me? Her?
She moved rapidly to her dresser, pulled a drawer open and rummaged through some garments until her hand came out holding the cross necklace. She slipped it over her head and turned back to me.
"Okay," she said. "What's the deal?"
"I came here to kill you, Will," I said, as I allowed the bony swollen ridges of my vampire face to appear. She screamed a high pitched shriek that would have broken crystal if she'd had perfect pitch. I rested my hands on the upper parts of her arms as my face relaxed back into human form. "I'm not going to Will. I can't"
Taking a couple deep breaths, she managed to squeak out a, "Why?"
"That's the sixty-four thousand dollar question, Will."
"Again, Buffy, why?"
"Promise you won't freak?" I asked with a half smirk and a sniffle that was far more sad than mocking.
"Buffy, you're a freaking vampire!" she said. My smirk turned to a frown as she backed away from me, her eyes big and round. She looked like she was going to bolt out the hall door as her back bumped into the side of the dresser just past it. "I'm already freaked!" She couldn't get away from me fast enough. I closed my eyes to compose myself. "Can't freak much more," she said when I opened my eyes. She pressed her back tightly against the dresser, looking highly agitated. Her hand kept moving for the doorknob and then falling back to her side
"Willow, please!" I pleaded, my voice laced with desperation. Even knowing that the fury consuming me was never aimed at her, I still feared the demon. That it would show itself and take control, have its way with her. Feed. Wasn't I the demon? Standing there, I felt more like me than a vampire. But was that because I hurt inside and pain was familiar? Or was I still me? I'd told Giles as much, that I was me but evil. The problem with that though, was that I wasn't evil. The demon was. Evil Vampire Buffy.
"You're dead, Buffy," she said, her voice shaky. "Like, really, really dead. A vampire ..."
"Yeah, Will, I'm ..." I wasn't getting through to her, my words not registering, failing to pass through her verbal shield. She'd fallen into a babble induced alternate reality.
" ... with the bad complexion — which by the way, I thought was you getting the flu again, 'cause when you get the flu, you tend to look, you know, dead. And the 'sunlight' thing. We're never going to be able to hang out at the beach again. Or go to the park after school." She stopped long enough to look at me strangely a moment. "And what are you going to do about school? Or the blood? Are you like Angel or are you with the badness? Oh yeah, why are you are vampire, Buffy?"
So I told her about my birthday party, how this was Giles' gift to me, how he'd poisoned me. I was pretty sure she hated him absolutely at that moment, far more than she'd ever hated Cordy. Cordy'd just mentally tortured her for a little more than a decade. Giles had murdered her best friend. What would she think when she'd found out I'd done the same? I'd murdered her other best friend, who was also my best friend that wasn't her. Would she hate me as much as a growing part of me hated myself?
She looked into my eyes for a moment and I allowed her to, not glancing away until she'd found whatever it was she looked for. Did she see my guilt? The regrets that were already starting to consume my thoughts? I'd say soul if I had one. Maybe I did. My mind kept going back to the purple light. She stepped toward me and reached around to my back, placing a hand between my shoulders and rubbing in small, circular, very soothing motions. I looked down, my eyes fixed on my shoes.
"I ..." I never got to finish what I was going to say as the door to the hall suddenly popped open, startling the two of us. I looked up from my shoes to the door expecting to see one of her parents. Instead Faith stood in the doorway; breathing hard, brandishing a very sharp stake, and dripping sweat. She wore a light brown leather jacket she'd stolen off a vamp she'd beaten unconscious before staking and a pair of dark blue jeans.
"Faith," Willow said, removing her hand from my back and moving around so she stood between the Slayer and me. I didn't know what Willow saw when she looked into my eyes, but she'd gone from scared to comforting to protective in about a minute. Or maybe she was just so mad at Giles that the fact that I was of the undead persuasion had fallen to the back of her mind. I felt like I was in there somewhere and maybe that's what she saw. Me. God, she was so sweet, putting my safety ahead of hers, protecting me - the demon who'd come here to kill her - from Faith.
"Get away from her, Red, that's not Buffy," Faith said, taking slow and measured steps into the room as I slowly backed away from the doors toward the bed in the far side of the room. She held her stake up at her chest, in position for an easy backhanded thrust.
"Yes she is," Willow insisted, her face resolute and firm. How could she know for sure? I felt like I was me, but I'd spent the night doing some pretty horrible things, stuff I'd never have done as a human. How could I be me? And why didn't I want to kill her? To turn her? The vague memories of a purple light forced inside my skull kept flashing before my mind's eye. Was that it? Was it even connected?
Faith stopped in front of Willow, taking a classic martial arts movie stance, her hands held up in front of her chest, keeping the stake ready. She stood with one foot slightly behind the other so she could push off with some power, as if anticipating a sudden attack from me. "Willow, it's just a demon wearing Buffy's face. She's dead. She'll kill you if you don't get out of my way," she explained, her voice measured but insistent. I noticed her eyes welling with moisture, the tears threatening to fall. Even considering some of the stuff we'd done together, I was surprised she mourned my human self's death.
"She couldn't kill me," Willow said. Faith looked doubtful. "She stopped before she bit me and told me to put this cross on," Willow added.
"That thing has no soul, Red. You didn't see what she did to her own mother!" Faith said, her lips turned up into a snarl. Her tears rolled down her cheeks in a slow but steady stream. She'd used waterproof mascara. I wish I'd used waterproof because I was certain mine had smeared with my tears. She mustn't have know about Xander, or she would have said something, insuring Willow joined the 'let's stake Buffy club.'
"It's okay, Willow," I said, pressing the fingertips of my left hand against Willow's wrist.
"She's going to kill you Buffy," she said.
"Maybe," I said, my voice less than confident. I knew I could take Faith quite easily now , but I didn't want the situation to blow up and get out of hand. "Willow, I need you to go and get one of your parent's cells, Okay? I need to call Giles," I said. So I could kill him. But maybe not right then. Willow might not like. But Faith would, by the time I was finished with her. Or maybe not. I needed answers, fast, and if I made peace with him, well he was very good at finding answers. A regular Answer Man. I turned back to Willow. "I did a lot of stuff. He'll want answers at the least."
"Buffy, what happened?" Willow asked.
"After I call Giles, okay Will?" I asked.
"Sure, Buffy. Just use my phone. It's there on the desk," she said, pointing at the phone.
"I really need to talk to Faith alone for a minute, ok?"
"Okay," she said, going to the hall door and leaving, shutting it behind her. I heard her heartbeat just on the other side of the door. Not leaving, she just waited to see what went down in here.
"What the fuck does she mean, why didn't you try and kill her?" Faith asked. "What kind of mind tricks are you using on her? What did you tell her?"
"No mental thingies, Faith. I wouldn't know how." I lied to her. Not about using mental powers on Willow, I hadn't. I did know how though, or had a good idea anyway. "I almost told her I loved her, that I was in love with her," I said, my eyes intent and never leaving Faith's face. Faith had saved me from that mess, just in time. That's all I needed to spring on Willow at the moment, considering everything else I'd given her to deal with. Would she run screaming? Or just stake me where I stood?
Looking instantly crushed, Faith's heart shaped face suddenly scrunched up. Her cheeks sank as she sucked in a breath between her teeth. Her eyes gleamed as she tried to hold back further tears. She'd always been pissed about Angel, but to find out I had feelings for Willow too had to be a blow. I gave her bunches of reasons to cry. "Look, I don't know what we are, but ..." I said, placing a hand on the back of her shoulder and giving it a quick squeeze.
She shrugged off the comforting gesture and took a step back, her breathing rapid and uneven. Her eyes moved down to gaze at the carpeted floor, unable to look at me, maybe even afraid of what she might find. "You're a thing," she said, her voice raspy, small, and low. "What you did to your—"
Suddenly she took a wide arcing but extremely quick swing for my jaw with her fist while shoving her stake at my heart with a powerful back handed thrust. I quickly stepped back, avoiding the wooden death as I tilted my head out of the way of her blow. If I'd been just a newbie vamp, she'd have dusted me on the spot.
"Faith, look at me," I said, taking the taller girl's chin between my right index finger and thumb, and lifting her face up enough so that I could look up straight into her eyes. Did I use willpower on her? Should I? If I didn't get her to understand, I'd lose her. She'd shut herself off from me. And they were going to do it to her soon enough. "I don't know why I did that to mom. I just know it's killing me. It was an urge, and I couldn't stop myself. I was screaming inside, but it was like I wasn't in control. Someone else was driving the vehicle. I was just the passenger. I'm in control now."
She shoved my hand from her face and jabbed at my temple. Moving my head in the opposite direction from the punch, I dodged the blow. "All better, now, huh?" she asked, smirking half-heartedly. "You're still dead, B."
"Yes I am," I said with a sigh. "And better is a train that left town last night."
"What about your new girl?" she asked, trying to stomp her foot through my left knee.
I leaped back out of range of her kick. She couldn't hurt me if I didn't let her because she couldn't surprise me. She was a Slayer so there was no underestimating her. If I didn't pay attention to every little twitch of a muscle, she'd kill me. "There is no Willow and me, Faith. Will's like ..." I took another step back from her and started bouncing up and down, squealing and squeaking, "My boyfriend's in a band! My boyfriend's in a band!"
A quickly barked laugh escaped her mouth with an almost smile. She shook her head.
"I knew I could make you smile," I said, smiling. "Willow's like, totally straight. I don't know if I'm actually gay or just very confused, but I'm not so lame that I'm going to play the clichéd 'lesbian in love with her straight best friend and pining away for her.' I'm going to live my own life."
"Oh."
"Faith," I said, my voice suddenly very serious. "The Watchers did this to me. Giles poisoned me. I trusted him and he stole my strength and agility," I said, my voice filled with rising anger. I took a deep and calming, but un-needed, breath. It evened out my emotions. I couldn't afford to have the anger take control again. I didn't know exactly why I was no longer interested in killing, but something of my old self was reasserting itself into my psyche. Mom's murder ... oh God, I murdered my own mother. I cried again.
"B," she said, concerned. "What's ..."
"They were going to lock me in that house with Kralik after they stole my powers," I said in a venom filled voice.
"Who, Giles?" Faith asked.
I nodded. "And the rest of the Watchers. A bunch of them came into town for my birthday. This was their gift. They allowed that monster to escape and kidnap my mother. When he killed me, I felt so much rage and hate that when he offered his blood, I drank." My voice had become flat and emotionless. I wouldn't let the rage take back control. "When I woke, my sire commanded me to bite my own mother. I refused, but after I'd beaten Kralik unconscious for it, the compulsion tapped into my rage. When I was done with Mom, I made him pay. After that, I killed my way here. You know about the killing spree?"
She nodded. "That's not the best line to end this fight on, B," she said.
"I'm not fighting you," I said. Her brow furrowed as I struck a nerve I hadn't intended to.
"I noticed," she said, slipping the stake into a back pocket of her jeans as her face relaxed. She took a casual stance, the fight over for now.
I felt a sudden need to kiss her, an affirmation of my lost humanity that seemed to be coming back. I stepped toward her. Would she even let me? We'd kissed before, but I'd been alive and she'd been the aggressor. She might've even just been trying to get under my skin that first time just before homecoming. I was certain she'd been surprised when I'd kissed her back. She didn't move away when I pressed up against her and put my hands on her hips. I leaned in and kissed her. It took a moment for her to react to the kiss, but as she kissed me back the hall door popped open. During Faith's half-hearted attempt at combat I'd forgotten Willow was just outside the door.
"Did I interrupt something?" Willow asked, frowning, as she crossed the threshold. Oh god, it didn't look good for me. Her expression seemed to hold a mixture of rage and ... I hoped that wasn't disgust.
"Not me," I said, releasing Faith and taking a step back.
Faith's eyes got big and round as they darted back and forth between Willow and me. "This is getting too serious for me," Faith said. "I'll be right out there having a smoke." She pointed toward the patio door. "If she tries to bite you, Red, just scream and I'll come running." She walked slowly over to the patio door and opened it. "And Buffy? I still think you're evil, If Red here wants to trust you, well it's her life." She shrugged. "But it probably just means she doesn't have all the facts." She went outside, closing the door behind her. Leave it to Faith to bail at that moment. Oh god, Faith knew about Xander. Why hadn't she told Willow? Who was Faith protecting, Willow or me? Or anybody? Was she playing a game or just being Faith ?
Willow nodded. "Buffy, we need to talk. Is there something going on between you two?" she asked as I went over to the bed and sat down on the end. She joined me, looking me over like I wasn't quite what she had thought I was. It was disconcerting to say the least. Was she about to freak on me again?
"Uh, you kinda just caught us, you know, with the something going on," I said.
She shook her head and jumped up from the bed. "It's wrong Buffy."
Oh. "Why? Because she's a girl?" I asked. My eyes tightened into little slits. I felt the rage bubbling its way back up, smashing into my dead heart. Now I knew why vampires were so full of the wanton destruction. It fed the rage and the rage made us feel alive. An illusion, but it fucking felt real. How the hell did Angel control it?
"It's Faith!" she said, starting to pace back and forth. "She's so ..." She held her hands up in front of her chest and started flicking her wrists.
"Or because I'm a girl?"
"It's Faith! I never thought that you ..."
The demon in me demanded I rip her throat out with my teeth and drain the bitch dry. So that was the trigger, cause me pain and I go, kill, kill, kill. "... were a dyke?" I finished for her. That purple light I kept remembering and I'd thought might be my soul flashed again in my mind, but if it was my soul then my anger management issues were homicidal. I had to get the fuck out of here.
"Buffy, that's not ..."
I wasn't going to cry. Shaking my head, I suppressed my tears — I was tired of crying - but not my emotions. Anger took control, brought forth the demon. I jumped up and ran for the patio door. Opening it, I didn't even listen to what she had to say, just headed out of the house and ran.
-BtVS-
Confusion gripped my mind as I flew out Willow's back door, running past a startled Faith and scaling the fence with a quick jump. I ran down the sidewalk, heading away from Willow and her rejection of me. Or reaction to me. Why was I so angry, so hurt? I'd never expected her to return my feelings, and I kinda figured she'd wig when she'd found out about Faith. So why the damn rage? The hurt? I ignored the rain drops pelting my face as the sky opened up with the first downpour of the storm.
It was night in Sunnydale, with a storm raging across the sky, forcing most to stay inside. Not many lights on at the time, unusual considering what the dark held in this town. I found myself turning down a side street without conscious thought, instinct alone guiding me in the general direction of the Bronze. Not well watched as far as playgrounds went, so I could lose Faith there. I felt her following on the periphery of my demonic senses. Angel pretty much figured out that I was probably gay when I told him about that woman watcher I'd ate. Yeah, his first comment was a little stinging, but then he'd told me he loved me. And didn't act like I had some fucking disease! Of course, he was lying in a pool of his own blood at the time. Guess I just expected Will to take it better than she had. I crossed into the bad part of town, where industrial designs and authentic tenement living became the norm.
I found myself following behind a young girl with flaming copper hair cut in a bob. She was an eleventh grader from school, part of a different crowd. She was obviously heading for the Bronze and a night of well caffeinated dancing. I found her smell incredible, a real turn on. Strawberries and cream laced with an undercurrent of fear: not much, but enough to make her cautious ... and delicious. Using the darkness for cover and casting demonic shadows into the redhead's mind, I continued to tail her. Waiting for an opportunity to reveal myself and pounce. Feast on the prey. Oh god no! Please stop me! She was going to be a stand-in for Willow, bear the brunt of my rage, the focus of my demon. Clarity. I'd finally found that damned clarity all the newbies went on about after first rising. I might've had a soul like Angel, but I wasn't like him. Not at all. I was a killer; meant to kill to exact vengeance. I had urges that my soul would never be able to suppress. In fact, I was exactly what Faith and Giles had called me, a monster wearing Buffy's face as a mask. Nothing more.
As we came upon a deserted alleyway, I cast out with my demonic will, forcing her to stop and turn around. Such a pretty thing. A shame really. I didn't want to do this! I had to do this! I smiled at her, seductive, an expression of uncontrollable hunger, causing her to visibly pale and grimace.
"Hey, Buffy," she said. "Is uh, something wrong? Have you been crying?"
I couldn't place a name to the face, not that it mattered, or bothered me. "Nope, no wrong here, " I said as I approached her. I used my vampiric will to keep her from running off, but left her mind free enough to generate some real fear. It was foreplay as far as I was concerned, and intoxicating. I grabbed hold of her wrist and pulled her down the alley into the darkness, away from any potential eyes.
"Where are you taking me?" she asked with a shaky and quiet voice.
I put an arm around her shoulders, my demonic will flooding her sensorial perceptions with intention camouflaging shadows, leaving her confused, vulnerable. "Come on."
"Oh," she said. "Okay."
About a hundred yards into the alley I stopped and removed my arm from her shoulders. "You're trembling," I said, running my left index finger along her neckline. "What's your name?" I asked. A part of me that was my human soul rebelled against the idea of killing her, but I could do little to affect my own actions. The demon drove now, and I found myself unable to resist its intent. Wasn't I the demon? She was going to die, of that there was no doubt. But at least I would learn what she was called, keep her from being just another nameless victim.
"Sophie," she said as tears flowed down her cheeks.
"That's a pretty name for a pretty girl," I said. I felt my skin draw tight as the demon showed its face . I wrapped an arm around her waist, my free hand gripping the back of her neck, pulling her close. Fangs sank into soft flesh, piercing, searching for the jugular. Her arousal exploded, sparking my own as her pleasure and pain blended into a frantic affirmation of life, of death. Hers and mine.
"Buffy!" I heard Faith shout from behind me. I withdrew my fangs and released Sophie, turned around to face the Slayer as Sophie ran back toward the street screaming. She clutched the blood seeping wound on her neck. Licking the blood from my lips and smirking maliciously at Faith, I put an index finger to my temple and tapped. Oh, thank you Faith! Thank you! "Why did you scare away my dinner, Baby?"
"Buffy, you need to fight this!" Faith yelled, her voice a screeching cacophony of meaningless sound. Could vampires get headaches? I didn't want to find out, I just wanted her to shut the fuck up and stop screaming at me. Out of luck. "If you have a soul like Red thinks you do, you can do it."
I smirked at her, a smile full of fangs, rage and scorn. "I'm not Angel," I said, moving toward her, fists raised as if I was going to punch her. "I'll never drink swine." I swung for the side of her head, a feint to distract her from my real intent. She fell for it, raising her arm to block the blow. Suddenly I stepped back and sent a jumping snap toe kick for her exposed chin. It connected, sending her reeling backwards, stunned. I was too fast for her, and too strong. I followed up the kick with a quick left jab, smashing my knuckles into her mouth, splitting both lips, blood spurting. She'd never intended to fight me, and so was completely unprepared for my onslaught as I landed a succession of quick blows to her ribs and felt a very satisfying crunch as bone snapped under the power of my fists. I sent another jab at her face, this time the left eye, swelling it shut instantly. Faith fell to her knees, awaiting the killing blow. Her blood mingled with her tears, dripping from her battered face onto her clothes, ruining her shirt. Maybe even her jacket.
"Faith, the Vampire Slayer!" I said, my lips drawn back into a tight snarl. I raised my right fist for the killing blow, the one to snap her neck with its impact. Suddenly the red haze surrounding me faded and my face snapped back into its human mask, the demon retreating. I was back in the driver's seat. Oh god, no, Faith! What did I do?
I fell to my knees, wailing, wrapping my arms around her waist, practically laying on the cement ground, pressing the side of my face into her tummy. "Stake me Faith, please!" I begged her. "I'm a monster!" Why had I done this to her? I had no real idea, other than I just couldn't control the demon. The anger. I was a monster, blood thirsty and damned. A fucking demon! Everything I hated. Why the fuck had I drank Kralik's damned blood? Why? Revenge. A soul had never been part of the bargain. Oh god, why had you done this to me?
"No, Buffy," Faith said through a mouth full of blood. Hopefully I hadn't broken any of her teeth.
"I can't be good! I did this to you. No way I can be good!"
"But you stopped," Faith said. "You didn't kill me or the girl." She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and hugged me tightly, rocking me back and forth, trying to calm me as I pleaded with her to kill me. She took one arm from around my shoulders and stroked my hair with the now free hand as I sobbed. "It'll be all right," she whispered into my ear. But how could it? How could I have beaten her like that? Why? I was a monster. It was the only valid answer.
"Please kill me," I begged again, in a whispered voice so soft that she only heard it because of her Slayer hearing.
"No," she said.
-BtVS-
Mom was gone. Xander was gone. I'd done it, and I'd known just what I was doing when I'd murdered them. No more lying to myself, I remembered everything that had happened when I was dead; the visions Brighid had shown me, the soul she'd forced into my thicker than normal skull, the commandment to kill Watchers. Sitting on the couch in my living room and staring at the blank screen of the turned off TV, I wondered just what game Faith was playing. She'd brought me back to Willow's and then the two of them had brought me home. Faith slept upstairs in the guest room, hoping that the rest sped up her slayer healing. Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't. Willow sat in the chair facing the end of the coffee table.
I looked toward her. Glaring at me, she asked, "Why did you do that to her?"
She hated Faith, yet she was still mad at me for beating on the Slayer like that. Good. I needed her mad at me. By the time I was finished here, she'd be so damn angry with me she'd kill me. Hopefully. Faith wouldn't, but I held a trump card over Willow. One I'd play soon enough. I stared at a small red light flashing on the answering machine that rested on an end table across the room for a moment before I answered her. "She stopped me from killing Sophie," I said.
"Did you want to kill her? I thought you ..." Willow looked perplexed. Not confused, but perplexed. Like she was trying to figure me out but just couldn't make the leaps in logic needed to get there.
"Had a soul? Why would you think that?" I asked her. "I never told you I did."
Her eyes tightly scrunched together as her glare intensified. "Do you? And oh, yeah. Who's Sophie?"
"Sophie's just a girl from school. And yes, I wanted to kill her. Very much so. She kinda looks like you." There let's see how she took that. Yup, shocked. She stared at me with wide opened eyes and a mouth rounded and opened. Was she ready to kill me yet? Probably not with the shock. But she would be ready soon enough. "You should leave me alone Will. You'll only get hurt."
"You didn't answer my first question, Buffy." Her glare was back, like if she tried hard enough she could see through all my masks and facades. How could she when I couldn't?
"It didn't take," I said in a quiet tone, my eyes turned back to the blank TV screen. "It only seemed to keep me from killing you until you decided I was a sick freak. Then I had to run 'cause the rage took over." I'd thought I was going to cry at this moment, but I was numb, spent. There was nothing left in me but the will to get her to stake me. I just needed a few more minutes.
"Buffy, you being a vampire and all is more than a bit weird, but I never said you were a sick freak. You're just really ... kinda scary."
This time I glared at her. "You know that's not what I'm talking about."
"Huh?" She looked confused for a moment. "Oh, you mean you and Faith?"
"Does 'it's wrong' ring any bells?" I asked.
"It's not because you're both girls," she said. "Buffy, look at me please." I slowly turned my head back to her. "It's because she's Faith. Faith is so ... Faith."
What she thought of me didn't matter, not one bit. I was a danger to her and to the others. Time to share. "I'm dangerous Will. You have to see that. When the rage comes, it's kill, kill, kill. I need to be stopped."
"Buffy you won't hurt me. Twice ..."
"Why not Will?" I interrupted her. "I killed Xander."