A Small Creature Who Can Barely Walk
by zingrrrl
3. your not good enough for me to even despise
[reviews]
Thanks to Valyssia for the beta. disclaimers remain the same.
3
your not good enough for me to even despise
An image from a long, long time ago is haunting me, It plays itself with picture perfect clarity. A certain walk, a certain talk. Forever twenty-three. For only me to see. I watch it like a movie. The details so consume me. What's real will surface when it's gone and then it's gone. By now you've heard the news, what is there left to do? I watch it like a movie. The details so consume me. What's real will surface when it's gone and then it's gone. Your face looks so familiar. Unwashed and quite peculiar. No I can't say that I recall. I guess it's gone. - For Only - Bikini Kill
It had been three days since Willow'd spoken a word to me. She'd stayed with me at the house the whole time, only leaving to go to school. She, Faith, or Angel was always in my presence. Guarding me in my comfortable prison? Protecting me from Giles and the other Watchers? I didn't know which. I knew Willow kept a lot of spells prepared. So, I didn't have to be a genius to do the math. I wished she'd talk to me, even to just tell me she hated me. Not a word since I'd told her about Xander. I sorta thought she'd burn me with some witchy power and put me out of my misery. She'd look at me, but I couldn't tell if it was with a look of contempt or of pity. I craved her contempt. I feared her pity.
Her motivations escaped me as I sat on the couch sipping at a cup of pig's blood. I'd told Faith I'd never drink pig, but there I was drinking the vile shit. It's all she would bring me. I'd blown it with her big time. That beating I'd given her, it was unforgivable. She hated me and I deserved her hate. I had no clue why she stuck around. Considering what the Council had done to me, maybe she just feared the Watchers more. At least she talked to me, even if it was just to tell me how fucked up I was.
I missed my mom so much. Xander too.
Why wouldn't they kill me?
Willow was in the kitchen talking with Angel. A radio blared noisily, hiding their conversation. Most likely, they were trying to figure out what to do about me. The answer was damn simple. A stake in the heart. I wouldn't even resist. But no, they had something else in mind. I had no clue what.
The house just didn't feel right without mom. The smells were wrong and the sounds muted. I kept expecting to hear something that was uniquely her. Or smell her cooking something with ginger like she'd been doing a lot of lately. Something to tell me she was here. Of course, I'd made sure that was impossible.
One more kill. Maybe I could do it myself. I hadn't found the strength yet, but maybe I could do it anyway. It'd be easy. If I walked over to the window and pulled the thick curtains Willow and Faith had hung throughout the house aside, it'd be over. Standing up and walking over to the window, I grabbed a hold of the side of the curtain. Could I do it? Let the sun do its job and cleanse the world? Would it hurt as bad as it had in my death vision?
"What are you doing?" Angel asked from the dining room.
I let go of the curtain and turned to face him, my hands held behind my back as if I hid something. "I ... I." I looked down at my feet as I heard his footsteps cross the room. He took my left wrist in his hand a pulled me back toward the couch. We sat.
"Buffy, look at me," he said, letting go of my wrist and taking my hand. I looked up at him, into his eyes.
"When I first got my soul back," he said, stroking the top of my hand with his rough fingertips. "I killed off and on until I came to a line I wouldn't cross. I fed only on rapists and murderers as if that justified my killing. In my mind at the time, it did."
"Angel, is there a point hidden in there somewhere?" I interrupted him. The rage simmered back to the surface less intense than before, but definitely not as gone as I'd hoped. I welcomed it.
"But Darla caught on. During the Boxer Rebellion, I'd diverted her away from a family of missionaries," he continued, ignoring my question. Missionaries ... I guessed it was preachy time. It was just what I needed, a sermon from my ex. Great ...
"Later that night I went out to feed. I had to settle for rats. When I came back, she had the family's baby. She wanted me to kill it. I couldn't so I grabbed the child and ran."
I snatched my wrist free and stood. Staring down at him, I said, "A morality lesson? From you?" I was incredulous and it showed in my tone. "That's just sad," I shook my head as I backed away from him. "A morality lesson from the morally bankrupt." I turned and stalked off towards the stairs. Who the hell was he to judge me?
I wanted to head down into the basement and destroy things, vent my sudden rage. That meant passing by Willow, and I wasn't in the mood for her fucking silence. I ran up the stairs.
"When the sun goes down," Angel shouted after my retreating back. Good, I could at least irritate him. "I'm going to go see Giles and bring him over here. We have to find out what's going on with ..."
At the top of the stairs I turned back to face him. "With me!" I shouted. I fought my face turning, not prepared to give into the rage. "What's wrong is that son of a bitch murdered me!" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, hoping the unneeded breath would calm me. No real luck there, but the anger didn't burn as brightly as it had the night I'd risen. I made a dismissive motion with my hands. "Whatever."
I started to storm off toward my room, but changed directions before I got to the door and headed for Faith's room instead. It was time for the Slayer to wake up anyway.
"Wake up, Faith," I said, throwing her door open and stepping into what used to be the guest room but was now hers. She lay across the unmade bed, uncovered and fully dressed, hadn't even taken off her boots. Lifting her head up from the pillow, she opened one eye. Her anger apparent on her face, she looked delicious, good enough to bite. I shook the thought away.
"What, B.?" she asked, irritated, running her fingers through uncombed hair. Being woken up wasn't something she was overly fond of. But who was? Tough for her though. I needed to get gone and I needed her with me. I didn't really care what she wanted at the moment. Through no fault of her own, Willow made me want to kill. Angel couldn't keep me from killing. That much was obvious. See Xander's bloated corpse for the serious clueage. Faith was the only one who'd stopped me from killing. The babysitting job was hers.
"Get up and get ready. We're going out tonight, as soon as the sun goes down." I said. She looked confused. "Angel and Will are inviting Giles over for tea and scones. I so don't want to be here when that goes down."
"Look Buffy, I don't know ..."
"Faith, I swear I won't try anything. I just don't want to be here. They won't let me out without a babysitter, and since you're the only one I can stand to be around at the moment, you're it."
"What happened?"
"Will's still on the silent treatment trip, not that I blame her." How could I blame her? I wasn't going to go down that path again. My depression had faded, replaced by an energetic anger. Not that I cared about it that much, the rage felt a hell of a lot better anyway. "Angel's being a sanctimonious jerk, bragging about how all he killed when he first got his soul was rapists and murderers, like it somehow makes him anything more than a Louis wanna-be."
Faith pushed herself up and sat cross-legged on the bed, looking at me as if I was crazy. Just because I was, it didn't make her expression any more comfortable for me. I looked down at my feet. "Faith, look I'm really sorry, okay? I really need to be somewhere else. They mean well, but if I see Giles, I'll loose it big time. Okay?"
"Sure thing, B. I getcha. We'll go somewhere that's not here. And I'm sure Angel wasn't acting all superior on ya."
"Faith, you accuse all of us of acting superior all the time."
"Well, yeah, you know. "Cause you all do." She laughed and stood up. "I got time for a shower?"
I nodded.
-BtVS-
Finally, it was dark out and we made our way across town, heading to the Bronze. We moved through back alleys and side streets, both of us hoping we'd come across a vamp or two, a target for her aggression, an outlet for my rage. The scurrying of rats echoed through the empty spaces, an annoying beat to my oversensitive ears. Faith hugged her leather jacket tightly to herself, trying to avoid the cold I barely noticed.
"So you think Angel and Red'll be all pissed off when they find out we're gonna miss their tea party?" Faith asked as we crossed a patch of light between pools of shadow. The alley was empty except for us. The walls of the buildings lining the alley were made of red and gray bricks for the most part.
"Don't know about Angel, and I don't really care. Willow's following us. So I guess we'll find out how pissed she is when she decides to step out of the shadows." I wasn't going to force her to reveal herself. She needed to reassure herself about me and if I fit into her world view any longer. My murdering Xander had to have broken something inside her, something that she might not be able to mend. I needed her to find a way to forgive me, to be my friend again. I wouldn't even think about what it would mean if she couldn't. The only thing worse would be her pity.
Faith knew better than to turn around and look. "How do you know?"
"I can smell her," I said.
"That's either incredibly gross or incredibly useful. Not sure which," Faith said.
I laughed and shrugged. And then I felt it, my slayer senses pinging like mad, vamps ahead. I hoped Willow used enough thought to stay out of our way and not get involved. Faith felt them a couple seconds later, her body suddenly taut, ready to spring. My nose twitched, the smell of fresh death strong, the smell of blood even stronger.
We blended into the shadows on opposite sides of the alley and quietly made our way forward. They weren't far, about three hundred yards ahead, so we hurried as best we could without giving our presence away. Doing this felt good, better than I'd felt since rising. It was a piece of my old self, a connection to my humanity. I was the Slayer, not the demon. Finally, we came upon the group, four vamps feeding two each off a high school boy and girl. A couple probably, taking a short cut that no one in Sunnydale should take after dark. The boy whimpered unintelligibly as the girl wailed, "Oh, god, no!"
One of the vamps removed his fangs from the boy's neck and turned around. His gaze piercing the shadows, he looked straight at me and snarled, "Find your own meal, we don't share." He had some real power, spotting me like that. He'd been lost in the feed, his attention drawn to the blood, all consuming. Yet he managed to pull away as I drew near. I wondered if I reeked of death as bad as they did, was that how he had noticed me.
I stepped out of the shadows, giggling in a slightly unhinged way, and walked rapidly toward the vamp. "Ew. I'm so not interested. Besides, he's leftovers." The vamp jumped toward me as the other three released their prey. He must've been their sire and been of significant years to pull them all out of the feed like that, no other explanation. Xander's smell and the taste of his blood had disgusted me; it had not been a pleasant experience. Yet I'd been unable to stop till he'd been drained. I was fairly certain I was the most physically gifted vampire on the planet. The feed was an animal instinct and required maturity and experience to resist. My strength had been useless.
The victims needed no further urging and took off running down the alley full tilt, heading for the sea of light that marked the street.
The vamp nearest me took a quick swing at the side of my head as Faith emerged from her shadowy hiding. I ducked under his punch and stepped to the side, stomping my left foot hard against his right shin, splintering it instantly. Globules of blood spewed from his mouth as he screamed incoherently. He tried to step back but his leg dangled fluidly, unable to bare weight. I sent a hard punch to the side of his neck, snapping bones and vertebrae. I guess he wasn't as old as I'd thought. They must've been gorging themselves through out the night.
He collapsed to the ground, twitching on the concrete alley floor as I turned in time to sidestep another vamp's reckless kick. Unbalanced, the monster spun around wildly. The vamp on the ground would heal soon enough, but not before the fight was over. I shoved the second vampire in the back, sending him toppling over, but before he went to the ground, he managed to tuck his torso and head against his legs and turn the tumble into a summersault. He hopped back up at the end of his roll and turned to face me.
I circled him a moment, judging his weaknesses and his strengths. The guy had excellent balance, but he kept his hands too low. I shifted my position slightly off center from him and pounced. He was no match for my speed as I hit him with repeated jabs to the chin and mouth, until I got tired of scraping my knuckles against his fangs.
I slipped a stake from my back pocket and slammed it into his chest with a forehand thrust, far too quickly for him to react, piercing his heart. He exploded into a cloud of dust. I took a quick glance at Faith and saw she wasn't in trouble fending off the other two vamps, so I kneeled next to the first vamp and quickly staked him.
I looked back at Faith as she staked her first vamp and proceeded to lay into the second one, venting her rage - probably at me — on the hapless demon. After she'd smashed his face into a bloody mess I called out to her, "Come on Faith, hurry up and stake the damn thing. I wanna dance." She ended its suffering with a quick backhanded jab of the stake into its dead heart. She smiled at me in a slightly taunting way as the demon exploded into ash.
I still smelt Willow in the distance. She'd stayed out of our way, but than it had been obvious from the start that the vamps had been overmatched. Other than a heightened sense of anxiety, she smelt like she was okay.
-BtVS-
I thought I'd go mad as the smells and sounds of a few hundred dancers crowding the floor washed over me. I knew Willow'd followed us into the Bronze, but I'd lost her scent in an overwhelming sea of pheromones and body odors flooding the dance floor. Maybe I'd scream, but what good would that do? The answer that came to mind was, unfortunately, 'not much.' It'd just draw a bunch of attention my way. I so didn't want that kind of attention. Silly really, considering the way me and Faith were dancing together. I guess, deep down, I didn't care. My hands on her hips and her arms wrapped loosely around my neck, we swayed and gyrated to the pulsing beat of the music.
A week ago she'd have been the one seeing how far she could push me, but now I wanted to see how far I could push her. I didn't care what strangers thought of me now and I don't think she ever cared. I pressed my right thigh between her legs and pulled her tighter against me, still moving with the rhythm of the song. The fingers of my left hand slipped under the hem of her black t-shirt and I traced firm circular patterns against the flesh of the top of her hip with my fingertips.
"B., are you gonna give the Bronze a free show?" she asked, shouting over the noise, a smirk plastered across her lips.
"F., do you care?" I asked, sporting my own smirk. But she was right, this wasn't the place. Offing fifty, maybe sixty, really annoying humans—while it might sound like a fun way to spend the night—only badness could come of it. Some pervy boys were already checking us out, hoping we'd start doing it right here. Thing is, there were some obviously hostile glares being shot our way as well. If one of them pissed me off enough—I could make Hannibal Lector look like Doctor Snuggles—well, all except the eating liver thing—can I just say, 'eww.' Bottom line: homicidal frenzy here we come. Hey, that'd been known to happen.
"Not really," she said when I pulled my hands from her body and stepped back. She removed her arms from around my neck. I took her hand in mine and led her through the mob, carefully weaving our way past individuals and couples.
We headed for the back of the club, to a smaller room partitioned from the main area and free of people. It was used mostly for storage. Chairs stacked atop tables filled the space as well as a few pinball machines. I pulled Faith past the first game machine and turned us around so I could keep an eye on the entrance. I pushed her against the side of the pinball machine and placed my hands on her waist. Leaning up, I kissed her lips.
I slipped my left hand under the front of her shirt and traced random patterns against her toned tummy with the tips of my fingers. As our kiss deepened, she palmed both of my breasts. Running the fingers of my right hand along the skin of her forearm, I pulled my lips from hers and smiled, encouraging her. She gave them a slight squeeze as her lips found mine again and we continued the kiss.
My lips moved slowly away from hers, traveling the length of her jaw as I left behind a trail of moist kisses. As I reached her ear I nuzzled the lobe a bit. My tongue darted out and I ran the underside of the tip against her pulse point. Her hands stopped groping and she gave me a little shove, enough to make me take a small step back and take my mouth away from her neck.
"Stay away from the neck, okay," she said with a sheepish grin. "Your teeth there, it's really freakish. Ya know?"
I couldn't help myself and barked out a laugh. "Yeah, I getcha."
Moving back up against her, I wrapped my arms around her waist and hugged her tightly to me. She laced her hands together behind my neck. My lips found hers and we kissed some more. As I pulled my mouth away from hers, I slipped my hands back under her shirt and reached up, stroking along the sides of her ribs with my palms, my thumbs tracing circles against the sides of her of breasts through her bra.
One of the pervs from the dance floor chose that moment to peek around the corner and spy on us, looking for a show. Thinking himself unseen, hidden, he watched us make out for a moment. I heard his thundering heartbeat quicken as I looked straight at him. I grinned wickedly. He wanted a show, I'd give him a show, but not the one he expected.
Reaching out, I seized control of his mind. Hypnosis may be for the tourists, but what the hell was he if not a sight seer? Lips and tongue trailed wetly along my jaw line. What I wasn't allowed to do was perfectly fine for her. As she started sucking on what used to be my pulse point, I gasped. Closing my eyes, I sent images into the man's mind, of rows of razor teeth ripping into his flesh and his blood flowing freely from large wounds in his neck. I giggled into her hair as he ran off screaming.
"What did you do to him?" she asked just before her lips found mine.
After a few moments I pulled back from the kiss and answered. "Made him think he was a hors d'oeuvre for a dozen snacky vamps."
I opened my eyes to Willow entering the room. She just stood there, frozen, mouth agape, looking like a deer trapped in the headlamps of an oncoming car. Shock held her rooted in place. This backroom was in serious need of a 'do not disturb' sign. Not that anyone would care. Fortunately, this was something useful. Who the hell was she to stop talking to me? She'd followed us, and if she didn't like what she saw—well, I could use it to force a reaction. It wasn't like I ever expected a good one—at this point any reaction would do. 'Cause telling me just how damaged I am—it sorta required talking.
I smiled at Willow, defiantly meeting her stunned glare, and kept touching Faith. The feel of Faith's skin under my hands was just too good to stop now. If Willow couldn't get it together enough to turn around, that was her problem. I wasn't making her watch. I was just screwing with her head.
"Who's there?" Faith whispered while she ground her hips against mine. Her hands moved down from my neck to my waist and slipped under the back my blouse. When she began stroking the small of my back, I slipped my right leg between hers, pushing my thigh hard against her crotch. I started to rub against her as my hands slid up her sides to cup her breasts.
"Willow," I answered, rubbing Faith's nipples through the thick material of her bra with my palms.
Faith tried to step back and put some distance between us, but she was already pushed up against the pinball machine. There was nowhere for her to go. "B.," she tried. I answered by sliding my left hand from her breast and trailing my fingertips down her torso. "Maybe we should ..."
As my fingers reached the buttons of her jeans, I asked, "Do you want me to stop?" She shook her head, leaned down and crushed my lips with hers. The kiss was harsh and uncaring, signifying nothing but pure physical need. It looked like she'd figured the game. I was just using her to get back at Willow and she was gonna use me too. Seemed like a fair trade, but it hadn't started out that way. Simple post slayage hornies went bad the moment Willow arrived.
I worked my way down, unbuttoning Faith's 501's with my thumb and forefinger. As I slipped my hand inside, threading my fingers under the waistband of her panties, any common sense I may've had evaporated. It was washed away by the rush of passion. I eased between her labia, my thumb softly nudging her clit, my middle finger entering her. Faith wriggled against my hand as she ended our kiss and closed her eyes. Her breathing sped up as my hand shifted, finding a rhythm.
I continued staring over at Willow, into her eyes, as Faith grasped the edge of the pinball machine, with both hands turned palms backward to hold herself up. Still frozen in place, Willow hadn't even lost her shock carved fish-face. I smiled at her, a mocking expression laced with a manufactured contempt.
Faith let out a subdued moan as I added a second finger and increased my rhythm. "Fuck," she said, shuddering, climaxing hard against my hand. When she finished, I withdrew my fingers, but left my hand cupping her vulva, enjoying her moist heat while she slowly relaxed. As her eyes finally opened I pulled my hand out of her pants, and the other one from under her shirt.
"That was great, B., thanks. But you are one truly messed up chick!" she said when I stepped back, putting some space between us. She re-buttoned her pants.
"I ... I thought you liked ..." I tried to look up at her but I couldn't bring myself to, suddenly positive our first time was also our last.
"Get some, get gone," Faith snarked, "You learn well. I can deal, 'cause, y'know, it's kinda my motto. But I don't have to turn around to know that Red's still standing there behind me looking like someone shredded her favorite book." She shook her head and bit her top lip. "You done hating on her?" she asked, tilting her head to the side and squinting like she was reading fine print. "Y'know, 'cause she didn't go Oh tra la la, you murdered my best friend since kindergarten. Let's make out!"
"Go to hell, Faith!" I shouted as the rage simmered its way back up to the surface. Who the fuck did she think she was? Yeah, I used her to fuck with Willow's head, but Faith was a user too, and it was pretty damn obvious she preferred to be the user instead of the usee.
"Been there since I was born," she said, her lips spreading into a mockingly sardonic grin. She wiped the grin from her face and sighed. "I'm worried about you, Buffy. This isn't like you at all."
I couldn't help myself and started cackling hysterically. After a few moments I managed to calm down enough to talk. "How the hell do you know what I'm like? I'm not your B., and I'm definitely not her Buffy," I said, nodding towards Willow. "I'm fucking Vampire Buff ..."
Of course, Willow chose that moment to snap out of it and speak. "Buffy's dead," she proclaimed, tears rolling down her cheeks. Using the back of her hand to wipe at her eyes, she failed to stop the flow. "Like you said, Faith, this thing's just the demon wearing her face."
"You think you knew me?" I growled the question at Willow, allowing my face to morph into its demonic visage. "All you ever met was a mask! An act I used to hide the fact that I knew just how pathet ..."
"Stop," Faith snapped, grabbing my shoulder and spinning me around, away from Willow, stopping me from crossing a point of no return. My face relaxed back into its human mask. Oh, god, I'd probably already crossed that point. I'd been about to say something I couldn't ever take back—something not even true. Just designed to hurt Willow the way I hurt, to make her feel my pain. I started crying as I turned back to her to apologize, hoping I hadn't already ruined everything between us, but I probably had. She was gone.
"She left—ran off crying. After what you just did to her, you're lucky she didn't firebomb your ass." Faith left, waiving at me to hurry up and come on. "We need to make sure Red's okay, 'cause you messed with her pretty good. Makes her easy pickings."
I hurried after Faith, unable to stop my tears. "What's wrong with me?"
She kept moving to the exit, but turned her face to me. "You said it yourself, B., you're a vampire."
"Oh."
"Two more things, Buffy," she said. Her voice wasn't exactly angry, but I could tell she was pretty damn mad. Not that I could blame her. I looked at her expectantly, afraid of what was coming. "First, it pisses me off when people lie to me."
"Huh?" She confused me. Lie to her? Sure, I'd been a real bitch, to her and Willow both; but lie?
"You told me you didn't know how to use vamp mind powers. You did something to the peeper's mind. That makes you a liar," Faith replied, "And second, don't you ever fucking touch me like that again!"
"I thought you liked ..."
"Oh, I did," she said, nodding. "But I fucking hate being used. Like really hate it. Get it?"
I nodded.