FIC: Hellmouth Fun

["Pat Kelly" <bandits@xxxxxxxxx>]

Hey. Okay this fic is not Buffy/Willow, but it's not a regular Buffy fic either. It's a Buffy/Simpsons crossover script I wrote over the summer. I don't know how many people are Simpsons fans, but I thought you might enjoy it.

SIMPSONS TREEHOUSE OF HORROR - HELLMOUTH FUN


{Opening Couch Gag: Homer is lying dead on top of his own blood on the couch. The rest of family comes running in. Bart is holding a squirt gun with 'HOLYWATER' written on the side. Homer rises, vamp face on, Bart shoots water at him, and he explodes into dust.}


{Scene: SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT - OFFICE OF C. MONTGOMERY BURNS. Burns is sitting at his desk, trying to turn the pages of the morning newspaper.}

BURNS: {Yelling} SMITHERS!

SMITHERS: {Coming to his boss' side} Yes, sir?

BURNS: Turn the page for me would you? I need to read the country news.

SMITHERS: {Hopeful} Couldn't I just lick your finger for you, and you could turn it yourself? You're always saying how more independent you want to be.

{Burns looks at Smithers questioningly.}

SMITHERS: Let me get that for you, sir.

{He turns the page, and hands the paper back to his boss. After a few moments of looking over the paper, Burns becomes outraged.}

BURNS: Did he really think he could pull one over on Monty Burns?

SMITHERS: Who, sir?

BURNS: Smithers, do you remember when I sold our souls, and every one of my employees' souls, to the Devil?

{Flashback to plant three months ago. A long line of employees is slowly moving forward, up to the devil. Screams of agony are heard as the devil rips the soul from an employee. Homer Simpson finally approaches and the devil sticks his hand in, searching for a soul. Homer laughs from the tickling sensation.

DEVIL: This man has no soul!

The devil takes his hand out, and Homer runs down the hall.

HOMER: Take that, Christianity! ---End of flashback}

SMITHERS: Yes, sir.

BURNS: I was promised earthly ownership and control of all things evil.

SMITHERS: That explains quite a bit.

BURNS: Yes, well, according to this, the blasted Devil cheated me! It has here that over the past few years' bizarre murders have been occurring in a town called Sunnydale, in California. Those murders should be happening here, dammit!

{Burns reaches for a red button behind his desk. It's labeled, 'PERSONAL GATEWAY TO HELL - USE ONLY AS DIRECTED BY YOUR EVIL UNDERLORD'.

A hole opens up in the floor in front of Smithers. The Devil appears.}

DEVIL: What can I do for you, Burns?

BURNS: You can go to hell! {The Devil starts to go back down the hole.} No you idiot! It's a figure of speech! I want whatever is causing the murders in California to be sent here immediately!

DEVIL: I can't do that.

BURNS: Do you like your condo, hmm? I could stop the payments.

DEVIL: I need that condo! It's the only place that has air conditioning! Do you have any idea how hot it is down there?

{An evil grin creeps across Burns' face. He taps his withering, yellow finger on his desk. The Devil bows his head, and snaps his fingers.}

BURNS: Where is it?

DEVIL: It should be here.

BURNS: Prince of Darkness! Bah! Get out of my sight!

{Scene: SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY - SUNNYDALE, CALIFORNIA.

Sitting around a table in the middle of the library, the four people are waiting for tremors to subside.}


XANDER: Okay, what was that?

BUFFY: I'm guessing, earthquake?

GILES: Those felt more like aftershocks.

WILLOW: How can there be aftershocks without an earthquake?

{Giles walks three feet to his left. He stands there for a minute, then stomps his foot on the floor. He is shaken out of his pondering by the ringing of his office telephone. He rushes in to answer it.}

BUFFY: That was a little odd.

XANDER: What? The tremors, or Giles' little leg spasm?

BUFFY: Both.

WILLOW: Well, we are on the Hellmouth.

GILES: {Coming out of the office, looking strained} No we're not.

BUFFY: Excuse me?

GILES: It has.moved.

XANDER: I'll call the caterer, Will, you can make the guest list.

GILES: It's not that simple. We have go to its new location.

WILLOW: What for?

GILES: To bring it back. We cannot allow another town to be victimized.

BUFFY: And where is this town exactly? What's it called?

GILES: The man on the phone said it was a rather long drive, and its called Springfield.

XANDER: {Sarcastic} You mean like the other million Springfield's in America?

BUFFY: He's right, Giles. We need specifics.

GILES: It's in.

CORDELIA: {Entering the library} Hey it's the ghoul gang.

WILLOW: Perfect timing. Cordy can we borrow your car?

{Cordelia gets the keys out of her purse}

CORDELIA: Wait a sec. What for?

XANDER: {Yanking the keys out of her hand} We need to go outta town and we're not getting anywhere in Giles'.well whatever he calls his piece of metal with the wheels on it.

{They start walking out the door.}

CORDELIA: Hey! I'm coming too!

{Scene: BORDER THAT LEADS FROM SHELBYVILLE INTO SPRINGFIELD - SEVERAL HOURS LATER}

WILLOW: This is weird. Have you ever heard of Shelbyville before?

CORDELIA: No, but I've never heard of Ogdenville either, so.

XANDER: Plus, did anybody happen to notice how yellow we are?

{The car comes up to the 'Welcome to Springfield' sign where they see two police officers holding their hands out in a stop gesture.}

GILES: {Quietly} Bloody.what is this?

{He slows the car down, and the two officers go to the driver's side.}

EDDIE: Pardon me folks, but we couldn't help noticing the amount of tweed you're wearing, sir. By any chance, are you British?

GILES: {Sighing} As a matter of fact, yes. Why?

LOU: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to put this on then, sir.

{He hands Giles a white T-shirt that says, 'YES, I'M BRITISH'.}

GILES: I will not.

{The two officers start reaching for their nightsticks.}

BUFFY: Giles, we don't want to start any trouble. Just wear the shirt.

{He changes from his jacket and shirt to the T-shirt. He goes to put his jacket back on.}

EDDIE: Sir, I'm afraid that shirt has to be visible and displayed on your person at all times during your stay here.

{Giles drives off.}

LOU: {Calling after them, laughing with Eddie} Welcome to Springfield!


{Scene: THE SIMPSONS HOUSE - 742 EVERGREEN TERRACE}

Homer Simpson is on his couch getting ready to watch his favorite show, Nightboat}

TV: Thanks for watching World's Funniest Paperclips, I'm James Brown. Good night folks.

HOMER: I still think the paperclip shaped like Nixon shoulda won.

{He looks down at the cushion beside him and picks up a bent paperclip.}

HOMER: {Smiling affectionately at the paperclip} I don't care what those losers say, Clippy. You'll win one day.

TV: This is Kent Brockman, with a breaking news report. Eyewitnesses around the vicinity of Evergreen terrace have claimed they've seen large demon like creatures wandering around town. However, everyone knows that the residents in that area are alcoholics, and their opinions aren't worth a damn.

HOMER: Damn right. {Thinks a second} Hey!

TV: I'll be back after Nightboat with more details about this beer induced story.

{Outside the window of the house, there are three demons in the street destroying anything they happen to come across. Homer looks around, oblivious.}

HOMER: Something's wrong. I'm missing something.

{Outside, a demon flips over his car.}

HOMER'S BRAIN: {Trying to assist his body, it is just as clueless} It's smooth, refreshing.

HOMER: Sex?

HOMER'S BRAIN: No! It also creates a light buzz.

HOMER: Sex with alcohol? {Thinks harder} Wait.alcohol? Beer! Oh Lord in Heaven! How could I forget beer?

{He rushes to the kitchen and opens the fridge. There's no beer inside. He screams, then yells up the steps to Marge.}

HOMER: Marge! Where's the beer?

MARGE: There should be some in the cooler down in the basement.

{He rushes down the basement steps. There are two vampires drinking beer in front of the cooler.}

HOMER: Pass me one?

{The vampire does}

{Right next to Homer is a large gaping hole, with purple and pink mystical energy emanating from it. Vampires and demons of every shape and size are coming out of it, and leaving through the cellar entrance that goes to the side of the house. His gaze finally shifts to it}

HOMER: Hey, I've never seen this before. Hey buddy, do you know.?

{The vampire bares its fangs at Homer. He runs upstairs and shuts the door.}

HOMER: {Angry} BART! Get down here now!

{Bart comes down the steps followed by Lisa and Marge.}

BART: What's wrong, Homer?

{Homer drags Bart to the basement door and opens it. He points to the hole and the vampires.}

HOMER: Who are they?

LISA: Vampires.

BART: Duh.

MARGE: Didn't you see all the things outside, Homey?

{Homer just has a blank look on his face.}

LISA: Look, dad. Everybody knows vampires can't come in less you invite them.

HOMER: And where did you learn that?

LISA: Scientific American's Occult Issue. See? {Holds up magazine.} The basement is where they came from so they can't come to the rest of the house until we say so.

MARGE: Which we're never going to say.

HOMER: Gotcha.

{There's a knock on the basement door. Homer opens it.}

VAMPIRE: Can we come up?

HOMER: {Enthusiastic} Sure!

BART: Dad!

MARGE: We changed our minds. Eh, sorry.

{The vampire hangs his head down, and slumps back down the stairs. Bart shuts the door, and they all stare angrily at Homer.}

HOMER: What? I forgot. Sooorrrry! Oh shoot. I'm missing Nightboat.

{He rushes to the TV.}

{Scene: SPRINGFIELD RESEARCH LABORATORY}

{Giles parks the car.}

BUFFY: Why'd we stop?

GILES: This is the address I was given.

{They enter the laboratory and notice people giving Giles' dirty looks. They finally reach the office of Professor John Frink, and walk inside. Professor Frink is hunched over, yelling at his latest computing invention.}

COMPUTER: 'FUNERAL FOR LEROY MARELLI 2:00 ON TUESD.'

FRINK: You're supposed to notify people about weddings and receptions. Not funerals, mmhey!

{Giles taps Frink on the shoulder.}

GILES: Excuse me, Professor.

FRINK: {Turns around, startled} Hello there. I didn't here you come in, mmhey.

GILES: I'm Rupert Giles. We spoke on the phone.

FRINK: Oh, yes. Your hellmouth's here all right.

GILES: You're sure?

FRINK: Sure? Why my Hellmouth detector is never wrong. It was in California, mmhey, and it's here now, mmhey.

BUFFY: Where exactly?

FRINK: The other side of town.

XANDER: Where are the vampires?

FRINK: Vampires? I don't believe we have any, mmhey.

CORDELIA: Pointy teeth, they bite?

FRINK: Nope.

BUFFY: I think you're wrong.

FRINK: {Grabbing a small device} If there were vampires, my device would have picked it up in a nanosecond, mmhey.

WILLOW: Let me see that. {Takes the device}

FRINK: I doubt you're feeble mind could comprehend the workings of such a sophisticated device, mmhey.

{Willow turns it over, and opens a little panel on the back.}

WILLOW: No batteries.

{Frink turns red, gets some batteries out of his pocket, and puts them in. the device. It beeps like crazy.}

FRINK: This baby's off the chart, mmhey! It says, that major activity is centered around Evergreen Terrace.

GILES: Thank you. Is there any place we might stay? Dawn will be coming soon.

FRINK: You might try the Sleep Eazy Motel. They haven't had a shooting there in months, mmhey.

{They walk out.}

XANDER: I was wrong.

WILLOW: About what?

XANDER: There is somebody more stuffy and annoying than Giles.

{Scene: SLEEP EAZY MOTEL}

{They walk along each of the motel room doors trying to find their rooms. Avoiding drunks, trash piles, and large amounts of toxic waste, and open a door.}

GILES: {Looking in, shocked} My apologies.

MAN: Vote Quimby!

{They finally find the right rooms}

GILES: Willow, Buffy, Cordelia, you take 20, Xander and I will take 21.

{Xander is about to comment, but Giles shoots him a look.}

{The girls enter their room, and twenty rats run out. Cordelia tries to run away, but they pull her inside. Buffy sees a closet, and goes to throw their bags in it. She opens it up, and gasps.}

CLETUS: Get yer own closet. This one's spoken fer.

{She quickly shuts the door, and five minutes later the girls are sleeping in the beds in Room 21, and Giles and Xander are on the floor.}

{Scene: THE SIMPSONS HOUSE - THE NEXT DAY

Bart and Lisa are lying on the floor of the living room watching Itchy and Scratchy. Homer's behind them, sitting on the couch.}

TV: {Cartoon: 1001 Stakes

Scratchy is walking by a costume shop, and notices Itchy through the window. Itchy appears to be buying a vampire costume.


Later that night, Scratchy is walking on the street when he sees a vampire come up to him. The vampire's fangs are bared and Scratchy just laughs. Then he feels somebody tap him on the shoulder. It's Itchy, dressed in the costume. The real vampire bites Scratchy on the neck, and blood goes everywhere.


Five minutes later Scratchy wakes up a vampire. Off to the side, Itchy pushes a button on a machine that sends a bunch of stakes into Scratchy, but they all miss the heart. Then the sun comes up, and Scratchy explodes, his guts flying everywhere. The end}


{Bart and Lisa laugh hysterically. Shortly after, the doorbell rings and Bart goes to answer the door. Buffy is standing there with the rest of the gang. Bart looks at Buffy and starts drooling.}

BUFFY: Hi, my name's Buffy and we heard about something bad that may be in your house. Can we come in?

BART: {Confused} What?

LISA: {Pushing past Bart} Please come in.

{They do and Lisa finally sees Xander. She starts to blush.}

GILES: Are your parents home?

LISA: Mom's shopping. Dad's in the living room.

{She escorts them in front of the TV. Homer has changed the channel.}

HOMER: Lisa! They were just about to get off the island!

TV: 'See Gilligan? This luxury liner I made out of grass, sand, and coconuts will take us off the island.'


'Gee, that's great, Professor. You know what I'm going to do when we get home?'


'What's that?'


'Sue the tour company.'


{A coconut falls off a tree and hits Gilligan on the head.}


'Oh, Gilligan!' {The Professor laughs}

HOMER: {Laughing} Look! His hat's smooshed!

GILES: Excuse me.Mr. Simpson?

HOMER: What is it, British Guy?

GILES: {Hiding his anger} We have reason to believe there may be a problem.

HOMER: If it's about that weird hole downstairs, I'm way aheada ya.

{Homer gets up and takes them around to the basement}

GILES: You have a lovely home.

HOMER: {Angry} Well, I'm sorry it's not like the castles in London!

GILES: I never.

HOMER: Excuse me if I don't have a Big Benard Clock, or.

GILES: Mr. Simpson! Just show me the bloody basement!

HOMER: {Sarcastic. Faking being upset} Oh, look! I made the British guy angry! Ooooh, I'm so sorry!

{Buffy opens the door and looks down}

BUFFY: It's there. The vamps are gone though.

WILLOW: Where would they go?

{Scene: MOE'S BAR

Vampires are sitting on the stools drinking. Barney Gumble is there too.}

MOE: Hey! You guys are scaring away my business. {A vampire lunges at Moe.}

Geez, sorry, sorry. Here, eat Barney.

{A vampire starts biting Barney's neck. He spits out his blood}

VAMPIRE: He's cold.

MOE: Yeah that's what happens after years of extensive alcohol transfusions. He's got beer flowing in his veins. Ain't that right, Barney?

{Barney looks around}

BARNEY: Huh? You bet Moe! {He burps, and turns to a vampire} You gonna finish that drink?

{Scene: BACK AT THE SIMPSONS HOUSE

Giles is still trying to figure out what to do. Lisa is batting her eyes at Xander, and Willow shoots her an angry look. The doorbell rings, and Homer goes to answer it. It's Ned Flanders.}

HOMER: {Annoyed} Yeah?

FLANDERS: Hiya, Homer. Listen, I heard this rumor that you're basement is where all those demonic creations from Hell are coming from.

HOMER: You're point?

FLANDERS: Well.I.feel it's my duty as a Christian to do the darndest possible job of. {Homer makes a hurry up gesture.} destroying them.

HOMER: Gee Flanders, I really don't think you wanna.

HOMER'S BRAIN: Quiet, you fool! We can be rid of him!

HOMER: {Leading Ned to the basement} Right this way. You give those spawns of Satan a punch or two for me. {Laughs to himself}

{Buffy steps in front of the door}

BUFFY: {Shocked voice} Mr. Simpson! {Turning to Flanders} I'm sorry, Mr. Flanders, it's too dangerous to go down there. Don't worry, though, I'll fight them. It's what I do.

FLANDERS: Oh, okily dokily.

{He leaves. Marge comes in soon after.}

MARGE: I'm home! {Going to Homer} I just saw Ned leave.

HOMER: Really? Me too.

{Looks at the new people in her house}

MARGE: We have company?

BART & LISA: Yeah, they came to get rid of all the demons. Can they stay for dinner, mom? Please!

BUFFY: We really shouldn't.

MARGE: Nonsense. My Aunt Clarice always use to say, Marjorie, you can't fight demons on an empty stomach. Lisa, set the table.

HOMER: {Whispering in Marge's ear, nervous} But Marge! The guy with the glasses is British!

MARGE: Hmmm.. Really? {Thinks for a minute} Well, he's still a guest in our house.

{Homer looks around panicked}

{Later.at the table}

HOMER: {Laughing} So, here I was, and the cat, boy was he messed up!

{The rest of the family laughed, but Buffy and the gang just looked at each other}

CORDELIA: Seeing as how funny that wasn't, do you have any idea who put the big portal in your basement? I'd really just like to get out of here.

WILLOW: {Shocked and nervous} Cordelia!

XANDER: Ignore her. Her brain isn't attached to her vocal chords.

HOMER: Oh boy, do I know what that's like!

LISA: {Laughing hysterically} That was so funny, Xander!

XANDER: {Looking at his friends} See? At least somebody appreciates my humor.

{Willow shoots Lisa a dirty look. Buffy starts to talk, but Homer interrupts}

HOMER: Ssshh! TV.

TV: Hello this is Kent Brockman with Eye on Springfield. Unfortunately, there isn't much to eye tonight as most Springfield residents have turned up mysteriously dead.

{He laughs}

This reporter has been asked to retract his earlier remark belittling the residents of Evergreen Terrace. Well, I will do no such thing. I'll go to hell before I admit that my statement was uninformed, and as it turns out, incorrect. You hear me network management? Hell!

{A vampire comes on screen and speaks}

That can be arranged. {Technical difficulties appears on screen}

BUFFY: As I was going to say, Cordelia may be tactless, but she did ask a good question. How did the Hellmouth get here?

BART: There's only one guy evil enough in this town to do this.

GILES: Who?

BART: It has to be -

LISA: {Interrupting Bart} Mr. Burns.

XANDER: Mr. Burns?

BART: He owns the -

LISA: {Interrupting Bart again} Nuclear Power Plant.

BUFFY: Thank you Lisa.

{Lisa grins evilly at Bart. He punches her arm}

MARGE: Bart! Don't punch your sister!

HOMER: Yeah! You know the rule.

BART: If we're going to fight, we have to let you bet on a winner first.

HOMER: And don't forget it!

LISA: Can I be excused mom? I want to show Xander my room.

HOMER: Oh no you don't! You'll turn him gay. You know how I feel about gay guys in my house. {Lisa nods, and sighs. Homer continues} No I'm taking him to Moe's. You have a fake I.D., Mander?

XANDER: It's Xand -

MARGE: Trust me. Just answer the question.

XANDER: No, Mr. Simpson.

{Homer pulls out a card from his wallet and hands it to Xander}

XANDER: Brian McGee?

HOMER: You wouldn't believe what I was able to get with that card! {Homer stares off, remembering. He snaps back to reality} Well, we're off, Marge. {He and Xander get up and walk to the door} Say, you don't puke a lot do ya?

XANDER: No.

HOMER: Well get ready to!

{They leave}

BUFFY: Well, I should patrol, and see if I can find this Mr. Burns guy.

GILES: I should come as well.

BART: {Eager} I can help.

BUFFY: It's too dangerous, Bart.

{Bart puts his arms across his chest. Defeated and angry, he goes to his room, mumbling. Lisa goes upstairs as well, and Willow follows her soon after}

WILLOW: {Knocking on Lisa's bedroom door} Lisa, can I come in?

LISA: Sure, Willow.

{Willow enters the bedroom, and shuts the door}

LISA: So, uh.Xander, he's really nice.

WILLOW: Yeah. So you like him, huh?

LISA: Oh yeah.he -

{Willow grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her up against the wall}

WILLOW: Listen little girl. Xander's mine. You may have brains, but guess what? So do I, and if he's gonna go after either one of us it's gonna be someone his own age. Not some eight year old. Got it?

LISA: {Scared} Yes.

{Scene: BART'S ROOM. He's pacing, his hands behind his back. Santa's Little Helper is pacing with him.}

BART: 'It's too dangerous, Bart'. She needs my help. She does. I vandalize the streets every night. Who knows the alleys better than I do? Right boy?

SLH: Bark!

BART: She just hasn't had a chance to experience the Bart charm yet. Go get my Charming kit, boy.

{The dog goes off, and comes back with a Malibu Stacy doll in his mouth.}

BART: I don't want this stupid doll! Wait.{He thinks} I can use this.

{---Dream Sequence

Lisa is washing a pair of Homer's pants. They are too big to fit in the washer so she has to do it by hand. Bart is standing to the side, taunting Lisa with the doll.

LISA: Please Bart! No more!

BART: Your little doll will be waiting for you when you finish. Now do the inside.

Lisa goes into the pants. She disappears into their depths.

LISA: Please Bart! It's dark! The stench is horrible!

The pants are bulging as she tries to get out. Bart grins. ---End Dream Sequence}


BART: {Laughing evilly} There's no time for the kit! I have to go!

{He goes out his bedroom window into the night}

{Scene: MOE'S TAVERN. Homer, Xander, and Barney are sitting on stools, drinking}

MOE: Hey Homer, are you sure he's the legal drinking age?

HOMER: {Drunkenly perplexed} Drinking age? Whassa drinking age? {Turning to Xander} Do you know what it is, Blander?

XANDER: {Shrugging, and slurring his words} Never heard of it. Probably some kinda restaurant or something.

BARNEY: Hey I think I went there once! {He burps}

{The storage room opens, a vampire peaks his head out}

VAMPIRE: We're running outta blood back here.

MOE: Keep you're fangs on. You know, if you had saved a few people instead of sucking all the people at once.

{The vampire growls}

MOE: It's coming, it's coming.

{Scene: OUTSIDE ALLEY BEHIND MOE'S. Fat Tony and his two goons are dragging bodies to the back door.}

GOON 1: This is sure alotta work boss.

FAT TONY: Yes. But tink of da money we are saving not having to buy cement anymore.

{Scene: BACK IN MOE'S.}

XANDER: Was that a vampire?

MOE: Eh, maybe.

XANDER: I gotta tell the others.

{He tries to get up, but falls and passes out.}

MOE, BARNEY, & HOMER: Beginners.

{Scene: STREETS OF SPRINGFIELD. Buffy and Giles are walking looking for vampires. Bart is a few feet behind them carefully moving.}

BUFFY: We're getting nowhere. The vampires are hiding.

GILES: I would ask someone, but these people frighten me.

{A few feet ahead of them, Helen Lovejoy screams. Buffy runs up.}

BUFFY: What is it? What's wrong?

HELEN L: He's.he's an Englishman!

{A cop car pulls up. Chief Wiggum steps out}

GILES: {Annoyed} Oh for Pete's Sake!

WIGGUM: What seems to be the problem here?

HELEN L: {Frantic} Won't somebody please think of the children!

WIGGUM: {Looking at Giles' T-shirt} Ok you monarchy scum, get your rear in the car!

GILES: Why do you hate British people?

WIGGUM: Why do you hate Americans?

GILES: I don't hate -

WIGGUM: Don't make me call the dogs, pops.

{Buffy sees dark shadows in the alley in front of her}

BUFFY: Chief, I'm an American aren't I?

WIGGUM: Yeah, I guess.

BUFFY: Well what if I promise to watch him? Make sure if he doesn't get into any trouble?

WIGGUM: Well.it would save me time. Krusty Burger's got this 2 for 1 special today only. I wouldn't wanna miss that.

BUFFY: Then you'll let me watch him?

WIGGUM: Oh yeah. Yeah. Just.be careful. We don't want him spreading any prissy British vibes in our town.

{Wiggum drives off, and Buffy and Giles, go off into the alley. They hear voices.}

WOMAN: {Seductively} After one night, you won't ever be the same.

MAN: Mrs. Krabappel, I'm sure you mean well.

BUFFY: {Questioningly} Angel?

ANGEL: Buffy? {Runs out and over to Buffy}

{Mrs. Krabappel follows}

BUFFY: What's going on?

ANGEL: I followed you. I thought you could use some help, and I ran into her.

KRABAPPEL: What's a matter handsome? It doesn't bother me that you're involved. I've got so much more.

BUFFY: {Angry} Yeah? Well you don't have this. {Kisses Angel long and hard}

KRABAPPEL: {Frustrated} I knew I should've gotten that operation.

{Bart has been watching the scene, frowns, and tears up. Nelson appears, and points at him}

NELSON: Ha, Ha!

BUFFY: We've been trying to find.

ANGEL: Burns? His place is this way.

{They start moving again, and Bart stops following and runs the other way}

BUFFY: {In an authoritative tone} Come on, Giles.

GILES: We should have stayed in Sunnydale.

{Scene: MAYOR JOE QUIMBY'S OFFICE. Xander finally makes it out of the bar, and tells Lisa and Willow that that's where the vampires are. They all go to Mayor Quimby's Office to get him to take some action. They are waiting for him to enter.}

LISA: Are you sure you saw them, Xander?

WILLOW: {Annoyed} If he said he saw vampires, he saw them.

LISA: I just.I've seen my dad when he comes home from Moe's. You don't want to know what he thought he saw in the mayonnaise jar.

XANDER: {Quietly} Quiet, you two, he's coming.

{Quimby enters}

QUIMBY: {Wiping lipstick off his face} Now, ah, what can I do for you?

XANDER: We know where the vampires are and we thought you might want to assist my friend and your town by organizing some police to take them out.

QUIMBY: You're absolutely right. I'll get on that right away.

{There was a knock on the door}

QUIMBY: Excuse me. {He gets up and opens the door. A hand peaks through the door, and hands him a briefcase. A growl is heard}

LISA: Mr. Mayor, are you accepting blood money from the vampires?

QUIMBY: {Nervous} Why would you think that?

WILLOW: {Pointing to the briefcase} There's blood dripping from it, and there's money hanging out the bottom.

QUIMBY: That's.uh, that's paint. Now move along, I have work to do.

{Scene: SIMPSON HOUSE. The basement door is open and Bart is looking in. He sees all the vampires returning through the window, coming back from Moe's. Upset at his lost chance with Buffy, he decides to try out some new material}

BART: {Yelling down} Hey! Why'd you guys come back?

VAMPIRE: Bad blood.

BART: Yeah. The mob's resources are really getting tapped out these days.

{All the vampires grumble in agreement}

BART: I've got a really bloody medium rare steak in the fridge. And.a baby.

{They all look up}

BART: Interested?

VAMPIRES: You bet!

{Bart laughs}

BART: {To himself} This will be great.

{To the vampires gathering on the steps}

I invite you in.

{They start up}

Sorry, I take it back.

{He laughs}

Okay, you're invited again.

{They start again, getting closer}

Sorry, changed my mind. I take it back. I'm so unpredictable sometimes.

{Not noticing the vampire standing right at the exit, he starts again}

I invite you in.

{The vampire comes through}

Oh look I -

{The vampire grabs his neck and Bart gags}

VAMPIRE: You'll be bait for the Slayer. Come on fellas.

{In the kitchen, Marge and Cordelia are talking}

CORDELIA: {Pointing to the curtains on the window} Who ever heard of vegetable curtains?

MARGE: They happen to be quite popular.

CORDELIA: On what planet?

{Marge makes her annoyed sound}

CORDELIA: And what's with the hair? It's bad enough that it's blue, but to attach a cactus to your head -

MARGE: {Angry} Now listen here -

{They hear Bart scream and run into the foyer. The door is wide open. A note is tacked against the outside of it.}

MARGE: {Reading the note} We have borrowed your son. We're using him as bait, and afterwards we'll probably kill him, but we promise to return the body. Thanks. {Puts the note down, and brings her hand up to her mouth} Oh dear.

CORDELIA: Sucks doesn't it?

{Marge stares at her, shocked}

CORDELIA: {Oblivious} What?

{Scene: BURNS' MANSION. Buffy, Angel, and Giles walk through town. Out front on the church announcement board it says,

'SALE ON HOLYWATER, CROSSES, AND GARLIC - HALF OFF. DESTROY A HELLSPAWN AND GET A GUARANTEED PASS INSIDE THE LORD'S HEAVENLY GATES. Eventually, they get to the gate entrance that leads to Mr. Burns' mansion.}

BUFFY: Now what?

GILES: Well, normally I would say I would say knock, but something tells me that would be too civilized for anyone in this town. Bloody Americans.

BUFFY: {Hurt voice} Hey!

ANGEL: I think I hear something coming.

{They all turn around to see a mob of vampires coming towards them, carrying Bart. They move out of the way as the vampires crash through the gate, and stop inside the courtyard.}

BUFFY: Well that's one way to get in. Hey why'd they stop?

{One vampire steps out of the crowd}

VAMPIRE: This is the part where we have a long terrifying chase sequence where we chase you around the eerie mansion into the main hall where the evil Mr. Burns is, isn't it? {Agitated} Tell me we missed it. {He cursed under his absence of breath, followed by his friends} I told you we'd miss it if we stopped at the blood bank!

ANGEL: They didn't, did they?

BUFFY: {Checking her watch} No you're right on time.

{The vampires, sighed, and held their hands out. Buffy, Angel, and Giles took the cue, and the three of them started running, followed by the vampires}

{Scene: MOE's. Xander, Willow, and Lisa came running in.}

MOE: Hey! You're scaring the rats!

LISA: Dad! We need to start a mob.

WILLOW: We need to because -

{Homer stands up}

HOMER: {Spotlight shines on him, and he puts his hand over his heart} No reason is necessary. Where a mob is needed, I will always provide it. It's practically my duty as a -

{Marge enters the bar with the bar with the rest of the townspeople behind her.}

MARGE: Homer! The vampires took Bart so I gathered a mob together to go confront Mr. Burns.

SKINNER: Don't worry, I phoned ahead.

HOMER: {Disappointed} But Marge! You know how I like to start unruly mobs!

MARGE: Oh I'm sorry, Homey. You can start one next week.

HOMER: {Looking up, hopeful} Promise?

{Marge nods and Homer jumps up in the air}

HOMER: Woo Hoo!

{They run out the door, and head towards Burns' place. Xander, Willow, and Lisa look at each other, shrug, and run after them.}

{Scene: BURNS DINING ROOM. Burns is sitting at the end of the long table, eating his soup. Smithers comes over, and wipes his chin.}

SMITHERS: There's an unruly mob on their way to see you, sir.

BURNS: Damn it, Smithers! I told you to cancel my appointments for this evening.

SMITHERS: Well, they were rather insistent.

BURNS: I don't care if FDR was - {Hears foots steps and growling} What in the devil is that blasted noise?

{It comes closer}

SMITHERS: Don't worry sir. You can cling to me for support if you need to.

{Buffy, Angel, Giles, and the vampires run in. Several townspeople are vampires. Spike is seen in the crowd}

BURNS: You're supposed to be out there murdering! Whatever happened to the obedient demons they had in the thirties?

GILES: So you are behind this.

BURNS: {Scrutinizing Giles} What? Oh yes. You're one of those English fellows aren't you? I know you're type. You act all prim and proper, but once you enter an alcoholic establishment, you fall down on your behinds, getting what's the word, smashed with your {makes quotation marks with his fingers} blokes.

BUFFY: No you're wrong. That's the Irish.

{Angel looks down at the floor}

BURNS: Well? What are you waiting for? Murder them!

{The vampires advance, and then the unruly mob comes crashing in}

LENNY: {Holding a torch} Did we make it?

CARL: I think so. I don't see any bodies yet.

HIBBERT: Well that's a relief. {He chuckles}

HOMER: Okay vampires. Get ready to die over and over.

{A vampired Apu steps out from the vampire crowd}

APU: But Mr. Homer, do you not want to try my new Blood Squishee?

HOMER: {Excited} Ooooh! {In a strance like state} Hmmm.bloody squishee.

KRUSTY: Oy gavult! What a moron!

HOMER: {Realizing his mistake} D'OH!

{The Devil appears out of a cloud of mist}

DEVIL: Release the child.

{Out of fear, the vampires do.}

BART: {Walking up to the Devil} Thanks, man.

DEVIL: Anytime, Bart.

BART: My room finished yet?

DEVIL: Almost. You wouldn't believe the time I had trying to get contractors down -

BUFFY: Can we get back on track please?

DEVIL: No need to be pushy. Burns, you have used the Mouth of Hell irresponsibly, not to mention that Sunnydale's been really boring lately.

BURNS: Irresponsibly? Who are you to -?

DEVIL: You were supposed to control the demons, instead you let them run free.

BURNS: But you don't understand, control costs money that I just can't spare.

{Burns' chair, soupspoon, and bowl, are all solid gold with jewels encrusted inside}

DEVIL: I will not listen to excuses. You had your chance. All demons must go back into the Mouth so I can move it back to Sunnydale.

VAMPIRES: {Whining} Do we have to?

DEVIL: Yes. Now go.

{They start to leave. Spike is seen again smoking a cigarette. Homer sees Flanders leaving with them. Homer grabs Flanders, and burns him with the torch he was holding.}

BART & LISA: Dad, you burned Vampire Flanders!

HOMER: {Confused} He was a vampire?

{The Devil snaps his fingers, and he disappears with the Simpsons and the gang, leaving a confused mob.}

GRANDPA: What do you want to do now?

JASPER: The burlesque house still around?

GRANDPA: I heard it got knocked down.

{Jasper checks his watch}

JASPER: It's almost time for Matlock.

GRANDPA: Then what are we doing here? {Starts walking out} You know, I remember a time when vampires were used as magazine racks. Now that was when Lizzy Dole was new on Broadway starring in a daring new musical called 'Married to a One-Armed Man'.

{Having nothing better to do, the rest of people follow the two old men out}

{Scene: SIMPSON'S BASEMENT. The vampires are standing around the Hellmouth, with the Devil, the Simpsons, and the gang watching.}

LISA: What are you waiting for?

VAMPIRE: Well, we all thought you might change your mind if you heard our song first.

{Gets ready to sing} We don't mean to bite, we don't mean to kill, but we -

HOMER: {Interrupting} No dice, demon guy. Get a move on.

VAMPIRE: But we won a Grammy!

HOMER: {Unsure now} Well, now I don't know what to think. The Grammy's are on TV, and everybody knows that TV promotes only good, wholesome, non-violent people and life-furthering entertainment.

{From upstairs, TV is heard}

TV: Now, fresh out prison just in time for the holiday season and ready to warm your hearts, it's the Amy Fischer Christmas Special, with special guests: Woody Allen * and * his daughter, Mike Tyson, and Tonya Harding! Host Amy Fischer broadcasts live from her old cell, this December on FOX.

VAMPIRE: {Pulling out the Grammy from behind his back} See, take a look for yourself. {Handing at to Homer}

{Homer inspects it the plaque, which says, 'WINNER FOR BEST ALTERNATIVE SONG: The Bloody Fangs. SONG - Warm Blooded, Suck it and Feed.}

VAMPIRE: You should hear the version we do with Marilyn Manson.

MARGE: {Forceful} Move it! {Does her angry, low in the throat, hmmm sound}

VAMPIRES: {Cringing back, submissive} Yes ma'am.

{The vampires slowly go in, along with all the other demons. The Devil snaps his finger again, and the Hellmouth disappears.}

BUFFY: So it's all fixed now?

DEVIL: Not quite.

WILLOW: What'd you mean?

DEVIL: I'm afraid that.you can never go home again. {He laughs evilly}

{Giles falls to his knees and screams. They all point at him and laugh}

{Scene: GILES' BEDROOM, SUNNYDALE. He snaps awake, sweating.}

GILES: {Looking around, relieved} Thank Goodness. It was just a dream.

{He looks down at the foot of his bed, and sees a talking Krusty Doll. It gets up, and Giles gasps.}

KRUSTY DOLL: {Holding a knife, advancing closer} You wouldn't believe how much I hate British guys. This should be fun. {Does Krusty laugh, and raises knife}

THE END


"If I could just say a few words...I'd be a better public speaker." (Homer J. Simpson)

"You know what the secret of life is?"
"Your finger?"
"One thing. Just one thing."
"That's great, but what's the one thing?"
"That's what you gotta figure out."
(Jack Palance, Billy Crystal, City Slickers)

"I heard your heartbeat." (Buffy Summers, to Angel, ANGEL)