FIC: Taking Steps(Part 9 of the 'Who Am I?' Series)

TAKING STEPS (OR - I'M YOUR GIRL)

Tara sat on Willow's bed waiting for the redhead to come back from the bathroom. Buffy and Faith had left once Willow woke up, not saying anything to her about the change that had occurred between them. Tara was grateful, because she and Willow needed to talk about the change in their relationship first. And there was a change. You couldn't just take back an 'I love you'. Not that she wanted to, but given Willow's reaction, she wasn't feeling very confident.

Willow came in quietly after a minute, and was looking everywhere, at everything, but Tara.

"You hate me." Tara said. It seemed obvious enough to her.

"No, I don't! I just…process. I need to process things. Processing is important."

There was silence again. It went on for more minutes than Tara could stand, so she finally got off the bed, and started to walk towards the busted door.

"Where are you going?" Willow asked.

"I…I shouldn't have said anything. I'm making you uncomfortable, so…I'll go."

Willow rushed to her. "I'm sorry. It's good you told me. Being open with feelings is…you should do that. Honesty."

"So…"

"Um…so you're…uh…you know…"

"Oh…I guess…I never really liked anyone like that before."

Willow couldn't help but be flattered, but she was also sad for her friend.

"Never?"

"I didn't really date or anything."

"I'm not freaked if that's what you think. I just wasn't expecting -"

"Kinda wasn't sure how to bring it up. Are we…still friends?"

"Of course we are. I really like you, Tara. I'm…just not sure how much yet. Buffy and Xander will tell you that I get my feelings all jumbly, and then confusion sets in. But being friends? Don't ever worry about that."

Tara was relieved. It wasn't a no, and their friendship was still intact. Even though she worried, she knew deep down Willow would be cool about it. It was out there now. Off her chest. Willow knew how she felt, and now it was just a matter of letting her deal in her own way. She could be patient. Now, how long, that was a different story. She watched Willow's face shift into heavy thinking mode.

'Her face always scrunches and she does this cute thing with her mouth…get back on track, Tara!'

"What is it, Willow?"

"I was just thinking about Buffy and Xander. How they might…"

"React?"

"If we ever, you know."

"I don't know about Xander, but…"

"But what?"

"Nothing." She had to hide a smile.

***

When they left the campus, the sun was almost down, so they decided to head to Restfield to see if any vampires decided to rise. Buffy was still a little unsure about things, but she was happy. Her unsureness had nothing to do with Faith or her feelings for her, but more along the lines of, 'Did we rush it?'

After the long talk they had in the dorm, after she said she wanted to give them a shot, kissing just seemed…right. She wanted to try and have a relationship with Faith; she wanted to kiss her again, so she went with the flow. And that's where the flow led. But she just hoped she had made the right choice to commit to something else so soon.

Riley just died three days before. And she had sat in solitary for the major of those seventy-two hours, re-evaluating her life. Thinking through everything she had told Faith, and bits and pieces of other things. She had a tendency to go into deep depressions after…events like, what happened to Riley.

A depression was okay for 'normal' people, but for her, as a slayer, she couldn't afford to keep doing it. There were other lives to think about keeping alive. Most immediately, her friends. One of these times, she would get them killed because she wouldn't be thinking clearly. It had happened to Jenny. And Faith was right. She had to let go. Not completely, because she still cared, deeply, but enough so that it didn't eat away at her.

Getting more specific, her love life had been filled with large gaps because she took so long to deal, and was afraid to risk doing it all over again. But that left her miserable. Most of the time she tried to put other people before herself, because one, it was her job, and two, it was who she was. Then she would look at all the people who were happy, and she'd want to be happy too.

She loved her friends, she loved her mother, Giles, but it wasn't the same. And with everyone having conflicting life directions, and only really being able to see them when a crisis popped up, she felt a little emptier inside than she had in the past. They still made her happy when she saw them, but there were different levels of happiness.

Riley had given her happiness of the love kind, and it had been wonderful. They were only really 'together' a little over three months, but those months had been really nice. Something she had never truly experienced before. Sure there were risks, but not like Angel. It wasn't the same intensity that she had with Angel, but that didn't matter. Riley was a human, corn fed, all around nice, Iowa guy. She'd miss him, and she'd think about him, but he was gone. And Faith was here. What she felt for him didn't change because she loved her too.

Normally, she would wait the better part of a year to go looking for happiness and love again, and even then she didn't really look. Love usually found her whether she liked it or not. Well she had decided not to fight it this time. She was going to be selfish, because love was right in front of her and so was happiness, well beside her actually, and she wouldn't wait anymore.

The more she thought about it now, the more she certain she felt that she had made the right choice. Her feelings for Faith had been building for a long time, and this was the natural step to take. A step, not a rushed sprint. And it also seemed natural for her to get behind Faith and pull her into an embrace.

"What's this for?" Faith asked, amused and content at the same time.

"Just felt like it. Are you not a hugger?"

"I don't know what I am. You have more experience in this area than me. The meaningful stuff. But I don't mind this."

"We'll figure this out as we go along. There's no guidebook to a relationship. Just gotta take things as they come."

"Like tellin' the Scoobs?"

"Good place to start." And then it sank in. "Oh."

"Not only have you started lip-locking with a chick, but you're also lip-locking with a skanky, seducing chick that had evil vibes at one point. You're sure about this...right?"

"Yes. We'll just take it slow. The gang can cope, and we'll be careful. Hopefully Will'll take it okay, seeing as how her and Tara…wait. Seducing? Somebody's got an ego."

"And you love it."

"Do I deny? You're not a skank either."

"Hey, I never said I was a skank. I said I was skank-y." Buffy became quiet, and let go of the dark-haired slayer. "What is it?"

"Do you hear that?" Faith listened. It sounded like a low growl. It was coming from above them. "Can you support me?"

Faith's mind came up with several different answers to that question, but decided on, "Huh?"

"On your shoulders?" Buffy's look said, 'Sssh, and trust me' so Faith did. She bent over, and Buffy's carefully climbed up onto her shoulders. They stood underneath a tree. "Be ready."

"What for?"

Buffy grabbed onto the end of a thick branch, and in an amazing feat of gymnastic ability, swung around the branch in a full circle, keeping her legs straight, and knocked something out of the tree, which crashed to the ground. By the looks of it, it was very demonic, and very angry.

Faith went wide-eyed. "Oh. Be ready for THAT."

***

In the Bronze, Xander held Anya close as they danced on the floor. He had been able once again to convince her that his sexual innuendo directed at Buffy, in reference to her bulletproof vest, Anya made him explain himself fully, was harmless. He always joked with Buffy, and had come to terms with not having her in a girlfriend way. But he was the guy friend, and it was his duty to make jokingly suggestive remarks.

That seemed to settle her, but the tension between them as they were dancing now, was stifling. The fact that their relationship was based wholly on sex, he couldn't stop fooling himself, really, really, bothered him. He got nothing redeeming out of it. Five seconds of pleasure maybe, and yet he still did everything she asked.

If he were completely honest with himself, he would realize that he had been whipped. It started with Cordelia, Faith had dominated him, and now he was letting Anya do it. He wanted to blame them, but he knew it was his fault that he got put in those positions. He didn't stand up for himself. The only time he really ever spoke out was against Angel. But that didn't help him any.

Everybody always said it was the guys who treat women unfairly, but he was the exception. And he was sick of it. He had to take a step forward and not let anyone push him back. Now was a good a time as any. He had to start by saying something. Anything.

"What am I to you?" He asked Anya.

"You look like Xander, you sound like Xander, so logically you would be Xander my -"

"You're what? Boyfriend? Live orgasm toy? What?"

Anya was shocked. "You sound upset."

He started getting it all out, and didn't think he could stop. "Gee, ya think? Every time we see each other, we either go here and you get miffed over something, then we go do it. We see my friends, you get bored, and then we go do it. I want more than that."

"Like what?"

"Movies, mini golf, go out to eat, something with depth. Maybe because of all your years as a male-hating demon it makes you think it's all right to use me, but I've done everything you asked, haven't I?"

"I'm asserting my femininity to survive in a male-dominated culture."

"Well hello, Demonic Spice. Guess what? I'm not a culture; I'm not a society. I'm one guy, granted, with shortcomings, but I want to feel like an equal part of, 'whatever' this is. Do you even know what love is?"

"I've never seen this side of you before."

"Yeah, well maybe it's time you started seeing more of it."

"I'll admit that some of your points were valid."

"Some?"

"Okay, most."

"Good enough. So does this mean you'll work with me on this? And I won't feel like the female anymore?"

Now Anya was appalled. "I've been acting like a guy?"

"A little bit, yeah."

"So…if we do other stuff…do we still have sex?"

"I'm still reasonably young, my hormones are still very much active, so…yes. I just don't want that to be 'it', you know?"

"You'll show me this other side?"

Xander nodded. "It'll be a step in the right direction."

"We're not broken up?"

"Nope."

Anya smiled. "Another dance?"

***

Faith and Buffy entered the Bronze a few minutes after Willow and Tara. They were bruised, battered, but they won. Which meant they were still alive. And that was a good thing. They even got a souvenir that they'd show Giles in the morning. There was something bizarre about the demon, and besides the obvious demonic qualities, they couldn't figure out what.

Moving to the table their friends were occupying, Buffy sat down next to Willow, but Faith stayed standing.

"I need food. Anyone want?"

"I'm up for munchies." Buffy said. Everyone else shook their heads.

"Could you be more specific on what you're up for?"

"Surprise me."

Faith grinned. "One surprise coming up." She walked off.

"Why do I get the feeling I should be scared?" Buffy asked her friends.

"You look good. Coming out?" Xander asked.

Buffy choked. "Wh…what?"

"Of the gloom you've been in. Feeling better?"

"Yes it's good to see you happy and breathing." Anya added, though it was half-sincere and half-forced. Xander smiled at her in encouragement.

"Oh, yeah. I'm dealing. Faith helped."

"I knew she would. She was so set on getting you on the way to betterness." Willow said.

She wanted to talk to Buffy about what Tara had said, but now didn't appear to be the right time. Later. They would talk later. She couldn't sort this out herself. She had a feeling Tara wouldn't mind, and she needed to tell someone.

"She has." Buffy turned her head and saw Faith making her way back over.

"Um…has anyone else noticed the piece of brown…uh…skin, on the table?" Tara asked.

"Is that what that is? I thought the Bronze was trying to use some kind of new age tablecloth." Xander said.

"It's something that should give Giles a research thrill. There was something freaky about this thing." Buffy explained.

"Showing 'em our victory prize?" Faith asked, sitting down between Buffy and Xander. She was holding a plate and a bowl. The large piece of cheesecake was for her, and the banana split in the bowl was for Buffy.

"God, I can't eat this."

"I'll say it again, B. Choose your words more carefully. You're a twig anyway. Need to get some meat on there." Faith said, pointing at the blonde.

"Do you want me to kick your ass?"

"Not particularly." They grasped hands under the table, unbeknownst to anyone else. "So anyway, whatever this thing was, it was wicked fast…"

***

Spike leaned up against the cave wall. He really had no choice but to follow Adam deeper into the woods. The updated Terminator would have ripped him apart. So he stood still while Adam went along the rows of bodies, some human, some animal, but mostly demon. He was looking at the various states of decay. His vampire lackeys had left a few minutes before.

"You wanted to cause them pain. Destroy them."

"Some of your new boys got their jollies by throwing me around one time."

"And yet you did not take action. Why?"

"To be honest mate, you."

"Were you afraid I would be angry? I know all about emotions, but I cannot feel them."

"You're telling me you killed these blokes on the floor…just because?"

"They are for my experiments. I know how they function, but I am curious to see what happens when I change their function. They are not all deceased."

To illustrate his point, the body of a Sair, usually a vicious demon that looked rather reptilian, spasmed, and then stopped.

"Right."

"Ah. I know what you fear. You fear ending up like these specimens. Don't. You are too unique to change."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Unlike most of your kind, you feel emotion, you care. And this is puzzling to me because all the testing I've done tells me that demons do not feel. So are therefore evil. But you love. A vampire. Druscilla."

"Do you have her? I swear if -"

"I only know that she was last seen in the area two years ago and that you both shared love. Now this is an interesting development. Out of anger of wanting to protect this vampire, your fear of me vanished."

"What do you want with me?"

"To learn about you. The chip in your neck has been shut down, but you're weak. I wish to make you strong again. Then you are free to leave."

"And how do are you gonna go about doing that?"

"However you see fit." He saw Spike looking at an empty space on the ground. "I had a specimen here. A Nynak. Usually a slow moving creature, I injected fluids from the Sair you see there. It's speed increased tremendously. I let it loose and watched. There must have been side effects because it immediately went to the highest point it could, and then I watched the slayers end its life. It was fascinating."

Spike's jaw clenched, and then he yelled. "Damn those bloody frigging slayers!"

Adam's "lips" moved into an emotionless smile.

***

Buffy and Willow sat on their respective beds later that night, almost ready to go to sleep. Someone was coming tomorrow to fix the door, so for now they just barricaded it with a chair. Willow was rubbing her hands together nervously. Not only was she apprehensive about making a decision that could make Tara upset, but she was also worried about her friend's reaction. Also, she hadn't ruled out of the possibility of loving Tara in "that way", and it surprised her.

"Will? What's the matter?"

"Okay…well…you know…that I fainted earlier right?"

"Um…yeah."

"Well what you don't is the reason why I fainted."

"Oh that. Tara said she loved you, and you didn't know how to react."

Willow had to remember to breathe and stop gaping. "You knew?"

"Faith and I are the ones that told her to tell you. She was having a rough time, and we could see it all over her face -"

"Whoa. Faith knows?"

"She's the one who told me. She's very perceptive now that I think about it."

"And neither of you told me this…why?"

"Cause that wouldn't have been right. What difference would it have made?"

"None…I guess. Probably would have avoided her."

"See?" Buffy went to sit beside her friend.

"You're cool about it? I mean if I decided to -"

"Totally. You're my friend, it's the Twenty-first Century on the Hellmouth, and love…no one should put rules on it."

"Oh. Yeah. Good. Right. But what should I do?"

"Come 'ere." Buffy hugged her friend. "Do whatever you want to do. If you "love" love Tara, go for it. If not, then don't. But if you find out you do, there's nothing wrong with that. And I'll support you with whatever, you know that right?"

Buffy knew the hacker loved Tara, and as much as she wanted to, she couldn't tell Willow what she felt for the other girl. Willow was smart, and she would decipher her feelings eventually. Buffy just wanted to see her friend happy, but she had to restrain herself.

Willow nodded. "I count on it."

"Good. Then there's something I gotta tell you. Seeing as you're my friend and we have a mutual support system."

"What?"

"Faith and are…kinda together."

"Oh." Willow thought. "Ohhh. You had…sex with her?"

"No! Well not yet. That's not a priority right now."

"You did say Faith right? Her and sex go together."

Willow went into interrogation mode. She wasn't going to freak; she just wanted to know that Buffy knew what she was doing, and that she would be okay. And it would have been rather mean of her to flip just after Buffy had backed her up a minute ago.

"I know what you're thinking, but it's not like that. We love each other, and it's new territory for both of us. We don't want to screw…uh…mess things up."

"I'm a little surprised."

"That we're -"

"That Faith didn't automatically want to do the deed."

"She's changed, is still, you know that. And she likes sex, well everybody likes sex, but we've decided on nice and slow. Work our way up to that."

"How long?

"Guess I liked her ever since I met her, but the 'us' thing, officially just started today."

"Officially?"

"Kiss. During the sleepover."

"While Tara and I were -"

"Yep."

Willow took a deep breath. "As long as you're happy…I hope everything works out for you two."

"Really?"

Willow hugged her now. "Hey, you're my friend. And you seem to think this is a good thing, Faith is…not so bad, and it's nice to see you not mopey. Plus, the fact that she didn't try to jump you…she must love you."

"We both do."

"Are you gonna tell the others?"

"Tell you what. If you and Tara become a thing, we'll tell them together."

"Sounds like a plan."

They smiled at one another, and then Buffy went back to her bed. It had been a long day, and it was time for sleep.

***

The next day, Buffy walked to Giles'. She saw Faith sitting against his front door. She smiled. Faith eventually looked up at her and smiled too.

"Was waiting for ya."

Buffy walked over and sat down beside her. "I had to make sure the campus handyman wouldn't steal anything, so I hung around till he was done."

"You've been watching those FOX specials too much."

"Hey. That's a good idea. I'll hide a video camera -"

Faith reached over and pulled Buffy to her. She pushed some of the blonde's hair behind her ear, and Buffy shifted closer by wrapping her hands around Faith's neck. Their mouths melded, tasted, and nipped for what seemed like quite a long time.

Faith couldn't believe kissing Buffy felt like this. She was probably exaggerating, though at the moment she didn't care, but it seemed almost as intense as sex. And she knew what it felt like. This was pretty damn close, but it was also on a different level. A deeper level. When she heard herself moan softly, she knew she had to stop.

"God…Faith…wow. You're really good at that."

"Me? You…it…damn." No, that was nowhere near good enough. "I really love you, B." That was good. It just rolled off her tongue. And she didn't have to think about it.

"I love you too, F." Buffy giggled, and leaned up against her. Faith instinctively went to hold her. She didn't know if she was generally a hugger or not, but when it came to Buffy Summers she sure as hell was. "Why were you sitting out here anyway?"

"Giles is testing the skin, and I was goin' crazy. And he's using chemicals on it. I didn't want to be in there if he blew something up."

"Good idea. Though the door could blow outward."

"Hmmm…guess it could. But what a way to go."

"You should really cut back on the romance. I can't take it." Buffy said with playful sarcasm.

"You want romance? Okay, my blueberry love muffin."

"That's just…creepy."

"Glad you think so, cause it sounded really wrong. Not us."

"Well we'll have to figure out what 'fits' us."

"I'm liking that."

They felt the door move behind them, and got up quickly so as not to fall. Or get caught.

"Hey, Giles. What'd you find?" Buffy asked.

"Hello, Buffy. Feeling better?"

"Much."

"Glad to hear it. I think…you better come in so I can explain. It seems Adam has stepped up his experimentation process."

"How do you know it was him?" Faith asked.

"He's the only one who would do this. From what…Riley told me…" Faith put her hand on Buffy's shoulder when she saw her eyes. They became sad quickly. "The Initiative does not do what has been done to this demon. At least not while its alive."

"Then fill us in." Buffy said, smiling at him.

He went inside, and the girls followed.

"You wanna get something to eat at that place on Main after this?" Faith asked.

"Do you ever stop eating?"

"Slayer metabolism. Weight's a non-issue. Man, I gotta start gettin' you to enjoy eating."

"I enjoy eating. Just not in bulk." Buffy grinned.

Faith could have responded to the jibe, but Giles was around. "Yay or Nay?"

"A big, affirmative yay."

"You're lucky."

"Am I?"

"You have no idea."

Faith kicked the door shut behind them.