The Spaces In Between
by Red Willow
2
[reviews]
"That... that you'd rather... you'd rather be with Spike... than me."
What? I was so confused. I just looked at her, tried looking in her eyes to gain some sort of understanding. She was standing in front of me, fuming, clenching her fists and I felt like such the dummy. I had no idea what she was talking about. I watched as the horror flooded her face. She wanted to back-peddle, take her words and eat them, but it was too late. The words took form, breathed air, and then practically knocked me on my ass as if a sledgehammer was hitting me.
Full out realization. I think my eyes might have gotten wider, and I tried to speak, but I never heard sound come out. I couldn't look at her, simply letting my eyes drift across her face to the wall behind her. There was this eerie silence, which, I of course, broke with the best of the English language.
"Uh, wha.. uh... Will... um..."
"I... I... Uh... I can't... I can't do this..." She replied before bolting out of the room.
I heard her pound up the stairs and slam her bedroom door.
I couldn't say anything. I was totally stunned. I must have been glued to the floor too because I just stood there, staring in front of me where Willow's face used to be. I wasn't focusing on anything in particular, I couldn't because I was frozen with fear and realization that I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life... er... lives, whatever. No wait. Make that, two mistakes. I slept with Spike. Was technically, still sleeping with Spike. And Willow...
"Willow wait!" I screamed, bolting after her.
I was about to round the corner, ready to take the stairs two at a time when the doorbell rang. Screech. Blinding halt, and yet another room for a mistake. Do I ignore the door and run after Willow, forcing her bedroom door down if need be so that we could talk, I could beg for forgiveness, and then declare my undying love and devotion to her? Or, do I answer the door like a moron?
"Crap!" I said out loud, looking towards the door.
I figured, with my luck, it would be important. I glanced back up the stairs once more before cursing under my breath and opening our heavy front door. Of course, answering the door like a moron is so much better. A moron with mystical superhuman powers whose been in love with her best friend for years, a best friend who happens to be gay, who happens to feel the same way it seems, and whose ex-girlfriend was standing on my porch. Ah, my life... never a dull moment.
"Uh... hey... there... Tara" I stammered, trying to hide the shock.
Any other time I wouldn't have been shocked at all. Tara drops by every now and then, especially to see Dawn. But at that particular time she was definitely a shock to see.
"Hey Buffy... uh...uh"
"Oh! Come on in." I invited, making a welcoming gesture with my arm, which was way more welcoming than I ever intended.
I decided that sometime in the near future, I really needed to work on my reflexes. Not moving or speaking when I should and doing things like welcoming Tara on board for the show were not my best moves of late.
"Oh, w-well, uh... I-I just w-wanted to give you this."
She held out a Cd that I didn't even recognize. I raised my eyebrow, shifting my gaze from the Cd to her.
"uh, um... i-it was with my cds..." She had this quirky little half grin on her face. "Uh... w-well I borrowed it when you w-w-were..."
Oh. I nodded, understanding that she meant when I was dead. When I was dead... and other tales of the Slayer. That could be a good book someday.
I reached for the Cd and said, "Oh, you didn't have to. I mean, I didn't realize..."
I left this last word dangling in mid-air as I noticed her fingers slide over mine. It was a gentle touch that could convey so much. At first I thought it was just an accident, but the look on her face told me differently. Maybe it was just a friendly reassurance, especially since she knew about Spike. Or, or maybe it was... My eyes shot back up to Tara's. Was she flirting with me?
"Thanks." I said finally taking the Cd from her.
"W-welcome." She said softly.
We stood there for a few silent moments before I attempted to up my status even further as a moron.
"Well, did you wanna...?" I made another gesture for her to come inside. Mentally I was smacking myself silly, preferably with a rubber fish, cursing the whole time. All I wanted to do was get to Willow and straighten everything out with her.
"Oh! Oh no... I was just on my way... to a friends house..."
She looked behind her and I followed her gaze to a red Honda Civic with what looked like two girls in the front seat.
"Oh, well... ok." I said, stepping back from the entranceway, ready to close the door.
"Hey Buffy?"
I glanced at her, mentally staking myself for even opening the door in the first place.
"Yeah?"
"Um... are you... ok?"
"Huh? Uh! I mean, uh, yeah... yeah sure. Why?
"Oh w-well, I just meant... with the whole Spike thing."
"Oh... that. Um, yeah, well ya know... dealing."
She gave me a reassuring smile before leaning closer and said, "Call me... i-if you want to... uh, need to... talk..."
I nodded, genuinely smiling at her, "Thanks Tara."
I stood with my back against the door, my gaze stretching up the length of the stairwell. I wasn't as gung ho about leaping up those stairs to Willow as I was before. I was terrified. Not only that, but I was a little stunned at Tara's actions. Or maybe lack there of. I didn't want to let myself believe that she had come on to me, even in the subtlest way. I couldn't help believe however, given the look in her eye, and of course, my own experience in the flirt department, that that was exactly what she had done.
I felt beads of sweat form on my brow, my upper lip, and the back of my neck. All of a sudden my hands were clammy. I fanned myself with the Cd case Tara had just given me. My stomach was turning itself into all sorts of neat knots and the saliva in my mouth had mysteriously evaporated. I tried to put off any thoughts of Tara out of my head, especially the ones involving me and Willow. I had had too many nights of hearing them go at it, while alone, I wished I could be apart of the fun. All thoughts must focus on Willow.
There was nothing I didn't want more than to be with Willow. I would do any amount of begging she demanded in order for her to forgive me. Forgive me for everything. Not just sleeping with Spike, although, I have to admit, that is definitely the biggie. But also for everything she accused me of earlier, because she was right, I hardly acknowledged her, any of them for that matter. I could never hate my friends. Never ever hate Willow, no matter what.
But some days, some days I couldn't stand to be around them, couldn't stand to be here, not while knowing what I was missing. Other days though, most days, even if I didn't know how to tell them, I was getting much better at being back. After all, I was with Dawn, and I knew she needed me. And Willow. Always Willow. I've died twice, and both times, my two best friends have brought me back. When I was dead... and other tales of the Slayer indeed.
I finally started to make my way up the stairs. Slowly though, each step like a tiny mountain. The closer I got to the landing, the more my stomach flopped, the more my hands sweated, and the more my mind screamed ohgodohgodohgod. I could hear music throbbing from within Willow's room. She had it turned up so loud I could feel the vibrations through the floor as I stepped into the upstairs hallway. I couldn't make out the song until I got to her door. I just stood there, listening for a moment.
It's been awhile
since I could say that I wasn't addicted and
it's been awhile
since I could say I love myself as well
it's been awhile
since I've gone and fucked things up
just like I always do
and it's been awhile
but all that shit seems to disappear
when I'm with you
but everything I can't remember
as fucked up as it all may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again...
why must I feel this way
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day
I knocked on her door a few times, waiting patiently for her to respond. I knew this wasn't going to be easy. Hoped yes, but I still knew that what had happened downstairs was a major ripple in our already strained friendship. I silently cursed myself for being such a putz to the one person in the whole world I definitely did not need to mess things up with.
I tried knocking again.
"Willow?" I tried, leaning into the door, feeling the vibration of the treble and bass against my hands. "Will?!" I said louder.
I don't know if she couldn't hear me over the music or if she was just ignoring me. I'd like to pick option number one, but it's probably a better bet for two.
"Hey Will!" I knocked again, way harder this time.
I could break the door down easily if I wanted to, but that was no way in my future plans.
"Come on Will, we need to talk!" I continued to shout over the music.
I knew the song was going to end soon, and I hoped she'd relent during the short silence that would follow.
"Willow!" I shouted again just as the song went off.
Finally, sweet silence, even if only for a few short seconds. "Please Will! Don't shut me out!"
"Go away Buff-." She flatly began, and then the blare of another song swept up between us, cutting her off, and making it clear to me that I needed to give up the fight, at least for now.
I sighed heavily and said, "Ok Will," as I slid my fingers across the cool material of her door, before I moved on down to my room.
I threw the Cd Tara had given back to me on my bed and grabbed my jacket. I should have been out on patrol already and I figured this would give Willow some time to calm down and maybe decide to talk to me again. Dawn had already asked me if she could go to a movie with some of her friends and I relented of course. And why shouldn't I? I'm never here anyway.
It was dark, slightly breezy, and I was in a cemetery looking for something to kill. Destruction girl, yup that's me. I didn't want to spend a lot of time out here though. Stake a couple of vamps, get a little dirty, and then head back to the house to have that little heart to heart with Will that would smooth out the creases between us and heal all wounds.
But who was I kidding? I knew things were different between us. Different since I came back, was brought back. Different since they all found out where I really was. Different now that I was sleeping with Spike. Or, no. I guess maybe sleeping with Spike was just a byproduct of the different-ness. And now Willow knew and she hated me and probably wouldn't ever speak to me again and therefore, I would once again lose the opportunity to finally be with her. Just like I did when Oz left because I was too rapt up in Riley and still trying to kill all those naughty feelings I had, er... have for her. Can we say, sigh.
I slapped my trusty stake against my open palm, whistling a sort of come and get it tune.
"Hello... vampires? Doesn't anyone want to suck my neck tonight? Hellooo?"
I was standing in the middle of the cemetery, stake in hand, just waiting for a good fight when I heard him behind me. Oh great, just what I needed.
"Hello Slayer."
I didn't even bother turning around.
"Hey Spike." I responded, putting particular emphasis on his name.
He came up behind me, his face close to my neck and his arms going around my waist. I wanted to move, I wanted to turn around and glare at him for assuming he was welcome to me, for assuming I would just open my legs and let him stick me anywhere he wanted. I wanted to put my hand up in his face and blow him off. Not, like blow him...
None of this I did though. I simply stood, motionless, letting him slide his cool hands over my jeaned butt and my cottoned stomach. He nuzzled my neck, whispering his seedy needs into my ear. He proclaimed he knew what I wanted, what I needed. He assumed he was the only one who could give it to me.
His fingers whispered over my breasts, catching my nipples, disappearing again up my neck, down my thigh. I felt his tongue on my earlobe, his stiff pole nudging my backside. I felt that familiar want to abandon myself and let him have me start to flood my senses.
All I could do was stand still though. I wanted to flee, to be done with him for good. And still, I stood frozen in place, that shameful arousal crawling up between my legs. I found myself caught between a sick and twisted passion, a need to feel something that I thought only he could understand. Caught between that and Willow's words.
"You really want to feel something?" She had shouted. "Then why are you fucking a dead man?!"
Her words hurt. Repulsed, disbelieving, angry, and hurtful words, yes, but the truth. A truth that slaps you hard in the face and wakes you up from a self-induced nightmare you had convinced yourself was salvation. Fucking a dead man.
I heard Willow's voice like a whisper in my ear.
"That you'd rather be with Spike... than me." She
had told me.
That I'd rather be with Spike? Never. Never rather be.
But yet, here I was, with Spike.
"Oh! Spike, no... get off me!" I finally shouted, reacting, breaking away from his embrace.
I took several steps before turning away from him.
"Oh, what now Slayer? Is that anyway to treat your-"
"Nothing, Spike." I cut him off. "You're my nothing."
He didn't say anything for a moment, choosing instead to measure me up. He probably thought I was just playing with.
Smirking, he said "So, little miss Buffy wants to play tonight eh?"
He took a step toward me, spreading his arms out wide.
"Ok then. What game are we playing tonight luv?"
Oh how well I knew him.
"No more games Spike. I'm putting an end to this freak show."
"Say what?"
"You heard me, it's over. It was a mistake and I don't plan on repeating it again."
"Buffy..." he started with an almost whine, "You need me..."
"No Spike..."
"Yes, you do." He said stepping closer to me. "I make you feel... down here..." he finished, grabbing the waistband of my jeans and tugging them toward him.
"Ugh... Spike, get off."
I pushed him away and glared at him. He looked at me, confusion and hurt battling for territory over his slightly pale features.
"Buffy," he whined, "I'm in love with you."
All I could think was how if I had a normal life I would not have to experience so many very weird and disturbing things.
"You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me... like being with me because you enjoy getting beat down."
"Aww, come on now, that's just the fun part."
I rolled my eyes at him but he continued.
"What we have is real Buffy, it's fire and passion, and... and I love you..."
"I know you think you do."
"I do... you make me... you make me feel like a man."
I just shot him a look. I had heard all this before, but yet, here we were again, having the same old conversation and I was so tired of it.
"You're a thing, Spike. An evil, disgusting thing."
"That hasn't stopped you before luv...er"
"I was blind and now I see..." I said more to myself than him.
He grabbed me. Hard around the waist, digging his hands into me, and attempted to pull me into a kiss. I tried to push him off, tried to turn my head away from his kiss, his seeking tongue.
"Come on Buffy, you know you want it."
I struggled against him, banging his shoulders and arms with my fists.
"Ugh... No! Spike, ugh, get OFF!" I screamed bringing my knee up into his groin.
He released me immediately and fell to his knees, holding himself. I gave him a swift kick to the chest, toppling him, just for good measure.
"You... don't... ever... touch me... again..." I panted, leaning over his groaning form, my forgotten stake back in my hand. "If you try... to... to... if you don't leave me alone... if you don't... I promise I will stake you..."
He looked up then, his grimace turning to a smirk.
"And this time... I mean it."
"You'll be back slayer." He said softly, bringing himself up onto his knees, one hand still holding his bruised balls.
"Not likely, Spike." I said as I walked away from him, confident that I really would stake him this time if he came after me.
A good Spike staking was long overdue.
I walked out of the cemetery in the direction of my house, in the direction of Willow.
***
There was an awkward silence around us as we stood there, the moths flying around and bouncing off of the porch light. I wasn't sure how she'd respond to my actions, but I couldn't resist.
"Well, did you wanna...?" She made another gesture for me to come in, but I had other plans.
"Oh! Oh no... I was just on my way... to a friends house..."
"Oh, well... ok." she said, stepping back from the entranceway, ready to close the door.
"Hey Buffy?"
"Yeah?"
"Um... are you... ok?"
"Huh? Uh! I mean, uh, yeah... yeah sure. Why?
"Oh w-well, I just meant... with the whole Spike thing."
I gave her a sympathetic look. I really was concerned about how the situation with Spike was going. I knew she was struggling with it.
"Oh... that. Um, yeah, well ya know... dealing."
I gave her what I thought might be a reassuring smile before leaning closer to her and saying,
"Call me... i-if you want to... uh, need to... talk..."
I meant it, but in so many other ways too. I wished I could just be bold with her, be bold with all of them. I was so damn shy though; I couldn't help it. There are all these thoughts floating around in my head and then I open my mouth and I spit and sputter until I sound like an idiot, and then I just can't say anything.
"Thanks Tara." Buffy said, giving me a wide smile before closing the door.
I stood on the porch a moment, trying to decide whether or not to knock again and this time take Buffy up on that offer to come inside. I sighed and walked back to the car where my two newly acquired friends from the glbt group on campus, Casey and Claire, were waiting for me.
I got in the back seat of the car and leaned forward, resting my head on Claire's shoulder where I savored the sweet smell of her apple blossom shampoo.
"Was that her?" She asked, turning her head to look at me.
"Yeah."
"You're right," Started Casey, "She's hot."
I smiled shyly. Casey and Claire were definitely not shy like me, which I liked. They were bold with their statements and didn't care what people thought of them, as I often did.
"Yeah, I can really see it..." Claire started, "I'd do her." She smiled back and me and winked.
"W-well, unfortunately, I-I still don't think she goes for girls."
"Well have you asked?" Casey eyed me in the rearview after pulling out into the street.
"No... of course not."
"So how are you going to know?"
"Yeah Tar... I told you, you just have to be bold sometimes."
Agreed Claire. She was holding a slushie in her hands and started sucking on the straw, bringing the red liquid into her mouth.
"I-I... you guys know I can't..."
"Well maybe you should ask Willow about it." offered Casey, raising an eyebrow at me in the rearview.
My mouth fell open. Was she serious? She didn't honestly believe that I'd ever get up the nerve to ask Willow. She'd flip. She'd be hurt and angry and probably throw me out, or throw something at me. I didn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore, but I still wanted to be friends, eventually. Besides, I had gotten to know Buffy these last two years and I was pretty sure there were never any girls in her past, or going to be any in the near future.
Not only that, but I was pretty sure if Willow did know different, that she would have mentioned it to me at some point. Plus, there's the whole Buffy freaking out when Will told her about us thing. Some of that was Spike playing them off each other, but Will did have serious concerns about it. No, I was almost definite that Buffy was permanently in guyville and would not be heading my way anytime soon. Hell, she probably wouldn't give me the time of day even if she did bat for both sides.
"I don't think so..." I sat back and crossed my arms.
"But you want her, don't you sweetie?" asked Claire.
She had turned to face me, putting her hand on my knee.
I couldn't meet her eyes.
"Uh... w-well..." I started, but was reduced to simply nodding.
"Maybe we should just make it happen."
Claire and I just looked at Casey as if she'd grown another head.
"Huh?"
"Well... I mean come on. You wouldn't have to do a love spell or anything, just like..."
"No!" I shouted, sitting up, my head right beside Casey's. "There is no way. I told you about all the crap I had to put up with w-when I was with W-willow and I won't use magicks on Buffy."
Casey looked hurt and a bit shocked that I had been so vehement. Neither of them had really seen me mad. That was the only time I seemed to be able to throw off my shy demeanor.
"Sorry Tara... I just thought..." Casey shook her head. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean..."
"Let's just leave it alone guys." I told them, leaning back again.
"Listen Tara, Casey isn't very smart sometimes-"
"Hey!" shouted Casey, offended.
Claire chuckled and patted Casey on the shoulder.
"But she means well... don'tcha?"
"Bite me..." growled Casey, trying to hide a smile from creeping around the corners of her mouth.
"I-I know..." I said smiling. "But I can't use magick like that..."
"Well, maybe you don't have to use magick."
I just looked at her questioningly. I knew she might be developing some sort of a plan. She smiled, winked, and turned back around to face front. I wondered what she could possibly mean. I did want Buffy. Badly, in fact. Part of the reason I left Willow was because of my increasing feelings for Buffy after we brought her back. I was lusting after her in ways that made me blush, and on more than one occasion I caught myself openly watching her, my eyes roaming over those strong smooth legs, her chest rising and falling, her lips moving as she spoke. Living in the same house with my girlfriend, who I cared for immensely, still do, and lusting after her best friend, who's house it was we were actually living in... the whole situation did not make for anything of the good.
I lay my head on the headrest and looked out the window, knowing the ride to Casey's, where we had planned on hanging out for the night, would be awhile since she didn't live in Sunnydale. Claire popped in a Bjork Cd and turned up the volume. Good choice, I loved this cd.
"Ooh... gotta listen to my fave first." stated Casey, hitting the seek button for the proper track.
"Ooh yeah!" Agreed Claire, "this song makes me horny!" She laughed and looked back at me, winking as the song began.
I grinned back before closing my eyes and grooving to the tunes.
I wish I'd only look
a-and didn't have to touch
I wish I'd only smell this
a-and didn't have to taste
how can I ignore
this is sex without touching
I'm going to explore
I'm only into this to
enjoy... enjoy... ohh... enjoy... enjoy...
The song made me think of my latest fantasy with Buffy. Not so much the lyrics, but the beat. The drums, rhythm, almost like having sex, when I got into it, my heart would start to pound just a bit harder, by breath would quicken. This was one of the Cds Willow and I would listen to during our lovemaking sessions that often stretched out the entire night. I have to admit, when it came to sex, Willow and I sure connected. It was Buffy I often thought of these days though. Buffy, naked in my arms, under me, on top of me, Buffy's golden locks, tanned skin, Buffy, her body stretched out in front of me, against the wall, Buffy...
standing in front of me, moving slowly, swaying her hips to a silent tune, her arms stretching towards me, inviting me, welcoming me...
I go to her, shyly, as always, my feet deep in wet grass and I realize we're outside at dawn, the sun just under the horizon, throwing light into the deep blue of the night sky. Her arms are warm, soft, and there's the sweet smell of vanilla and spices and something else, something Buffy... I find myself sliding my hands down her sides; our faces close, sharing the air we breathe. Our lips touch gently, break away and go back for another swift brush of softness before breaking away yet again. She presses her cheek against mine as our hands meet and we entwine our fingers.
We stand like this for a few moments, neither of us speaking, or moving, just close. Then, all of a sudden I feel her break away and I fear I've lost her until she slides her hands up the sides of my neck, her fingers tight under my ear, and my face close to her. She assaults my lips then, tasting them, opening them with her tongue before exploring my mouth. I open willingly to her, wrapping my arms around her waist and feeling my way up her back. We kiss deeply, passionately, tasting each other. Cherries and mango and mint combine to make the most luscious taste between us and I feel my knees go weak with want.
We fall to our knees, groping, clinging, kissing and sucking, melding into each other. Distantly I hear birds, feel the sun begin to warm the ground while our burning bodies lay out on the grass, clothes melting away to tingling hot flesh. Fingers on rosy erect nipples, grazing stomachs and thighs. Mouths and tongues exploring breasts, ears, and necks, searching and finding and searching again.
Her moans fill my ears, soft at first, then throaty, urging, wanting, demanding and surrounding as I descend the length of her body. The scent of her wet sex invading my nostrils, sending ripples of need to my own throbbing center. Her thigh is a sheet of muscle, yet soft, smooth and I lay my cheek against the inner most part, inhaling deeply as I eye the glistening drops of her juice clinging to soft her soft curls.
"I want you so bad Tara." she tells me, wrapping her fingers in my hair as I bring my face, my mouth, my tongue closer to those shiny wet curls, those swollen lips.
"Oh yes Tara... yes yes, Tara... oh Tara... Tara..."
"Tara..."
"Tara!"
"Huh?"
I sit up, opening my eyes, blinking at the bright lights flooding in through the car windows.
"Were ya sleeping?" asked Claire.
"Oh.. uh, yeah I-I uh, I guess I w-was."
"I'm going in, do you want anything?" asked Casey, leaning back into the car.
I looked out the window and realized we had stopped to get gas and Casey must have just finished pumping it.
"Oh... uh... um... No, I-I'll go in too." I said, opening my door. "I think I have to u-use the bathroom."