The Spaces In Between
by Red Willow
3
[reviews]
I fled to my room. I didn't know what else to do after seeing the look on her face. I was angry, scared, embarrassed, and so much more. I felt flooded with absurdity. I locked myself away, throwing on a mixed cd I had burned recently and cranking up the volume. I didn't care how loud it was, so long as I could drown everything beyond my bedroom door out. As long as I could drown out my own torment.
I sat on my bed, clutching my reliable pillow to my chest, and rocked myself back and forth, trying to sooth away the torrent of emotions boiling within me. I couldn't help the tears that freely flowed down my red cheeks and dropped onto the pillow, spreading and soaking into the smooth cool fabric.
How could I blow up at Buffy like that? How could I be so angry and then say those things? I was supposed to be the best friend, logic girl; the one person she could trust to forgive all of her wrongs, and I always had. People make mistakes; I was a walking testament to that, and Buffy had definitely made some mistakes in the past. Sure, maybe sometimes I had been mad at her, but I've always forgiven her. That's part of the best friend job description. It's in the manual!
Forgiveness was not the only issue I needed to deal with though. My stupidity would be a nice start. How could I tell Buffy my secret feelings for her? Not that I had come out and told her that I had been in love with her since we met or that I fantasized about her, had dreams about her, thought about her when I... No, I hadn't said all that, but I was pretty sure she got the idea from what I did say, especially given her reaction. Stupid. Very Stupid Rosenberg. As if things weren't already tense around here, I just had to throw more fuel on the fire.
I don't know how long I sat there, staring at the floor, rocking back and forth and holding a tear-stained pillow against my sobs, letting music create a barrier between me and everyone else.
why must I feel this way
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day
I was startled by Buffy's knock and faint voice at my door.
"Willow?"
I didn't respond. I was petrified, thinking there would never be a good way to handle all of this, the humiliation, the anger, the loneliness, and the rejection. And that was the reason why I never let my feelings show, never told her how much she really meant to me beyond all forms of friendship, why I clung so tightly to Oz and Tara. It was her ultimate rejection that scared me into silence, into shoving the need for her deep down inside where no one could touch it, where I could almost ignore it. Denial was a job I was good at. I could sit in class and not look at her, not stare at her smooth toned legs or the way the sun lit her highlights into a dance that would mesmerize. I became real good at ignoring all the things about her that made my blood boil, sent shivers down my spine, captured my heart, squeezing until I was out of breath.
"Hey Will!" Buffy shouted louder, banging on the door.
Ignore. Ignore.
"Come on Will, we need to talk!"
She was right, but that didn't mean I wanted to. It didn't mean I would like myself any better for messing everything up. For acting the way I did tonight, for adding to the tension between me and Buffy. And it certainly didn't mean that I would ever forgive myself for doing magicks on Tara to keep her beside me, keep her close as a distraction against my feelings for Buffy, or my guilt I saw reflected in her own eyes when she looked at Buffy in a way I was all too familiar with. Talking wouldn't erase the shame, or erase the guilt, and heartache.
I got up, leaving my damp pillow behind, and walked to the door. I thought maybe I would just give in and open it, confront her, confront all our problems, and confront my own hidden passion for her. Talking would definitely be a step in the right direction, thank you logic girl, but that still didn't mean I wanted to.
it's been awhile
since I could hold my head up high
and it's been awhile
since I said I'm sorry...
I pressed my forehead up against the door with my eyes closed, my right hand flat near my head.
"Willow!" I heard her shout just as the song ended, shattering the precious ability to ignore with silence.
"Please Will! Don't shut me out!"
And in the end, could I ever really shut her out? Buffy was my lifeline. Ironic that she was dead for nearly 6 months and yet she above all else still kept me going. She was right, we needed to talk and I needed to finally tell her everything, finally get all of this out of my system, finally come clean to the one person that had caused me to hide all these years. I just couldn't do it now. I needed time to think, to breath, to get myself under control.
"Go away Buffy." I said, trying to contain my sobs, my voice flat and cold.
The next track came on, breaking the silence once again, and if Buffy had a response I didn't hear it, but she didn't knock on my door any more.
Time passed and I took no notice. Songs by the likes of K's Choice, Ani Difranco, Ferron, and an assortment of others started and ended with little thought from me. These were my favorite, and generally I would be really into the rhythm of the music, singing along, every word memorized. But instead I felt lost, only faintly aware of the tunes as they filled the empty void for minutes at a time. I sat against the wall, knees drawn up to my chest and my eyes closed.
I don't know how long I sat there before I realized how quiet it was and that my butt was numb. I got up, rubbing my sore ass and decided to chance a bathroom trip.
I stared in the bathroom mirror at my swollen eyes, red lips, and messed hair. I made faces, trying to smile, trying to pretend that I could be something other than a coward. I wasn't convinced.
"Get over it girl. It's high hairy time you faced this." I said to my reflection. "Yep, darn tootin'."
I washed my face and brushed my hair back.
"Ok Buffy, just you and me." I declared, turning to open the door.
Before I had time to open it though there was a knock.
"Crap." I whispered, before saying, "Uh, just uh... just a minute." Oh God, oh God...
"Hurry up Willow, I got a pee!"
I closed my eyes. Ok, so much for just me and Buffy.
"Hold on Dawn."
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before opening the door.
"Hey Dawnie," I said sweetly, a strained smile on my face. "Where've you been?"
She rushed passed me and closed the door before yelling, "Movies! I'll tell you in a minute!"
I chuckled before starting to make my way down the hall.
"Okay!"
I decided that it would probably just make things worse if I went and locked myself in my room. I also figured that given more time, I would just become a much more cowardly lion. NO, I just needed to go downstairs and talk to Buffy. That's right Rosenberg, resolve face time.
"So it was good?"
"So good! You gotta see it! I-it was like so cool with all the people coming back to life and going after the government agent people! A-and they were like, all nasty monstery and some had like, skin hanging off them!"
"Okay..." I took another sip of my Coke. "Dawn don't you get enough of all that gross stuff living on the hellmouth?"
We were in the kitchen, sitting at the counter. Dawn was telling me of the movie her and a couple of her friends from school had gone to see and I was using this as a perfect opportunity to not think of the more pressing issues at hand. Buffy wasn't there, probably on patrol, and I can't say I was entirely unhappy, even if I did know we needed to have a major talk.
"Well yeah... but mostly it's funny ya know? 'Cause like we've seen real monsters and vampires and in the movie it's just, I know it's make believe. I-I mean, the movie stuff, not like, hellmouthy stuff. Ya know?"
"Uh..." I nodded, not sure if I followed her. "So tell me Dawnie," I leaned closer to her, "Just how much candy did you have tonight?"
She rolled her eyes and laughed lightly. "At the movies or before?"
"Nevermind."
"So Buffy still out on patrol huh?"
"Uh... yeah she must be..." I trailed off, looking at the clock.
It was getting late but I figured that she would probably stay out later than usual given our argument or rather, her confession and my explosion. I sighed heavily and drank more of my Coke.
"You okay Willow?"
I looked at her, registering concern on her face.
"O-Oh yeah, just uh... just lots of stuff on my mind."
"Tara?" She asks, eyeing me with her head to the side.
"Uh... well..." I smile at her. "Sort of. But not really."
"I miss her."
"I-I know. I miss her too but-"
"I miss you guys being together." She said sadly.
I smiled at her. Dawn must be the most pro-gay teenager in the world.
"I know. But... I... I don't think that that would be such a good idea... I mean... for us to... get back together."
"But you guys love each other!"
"Of course Dawnie. But... there are sometimes things two people can't fix... a-and sometimes love just isn't enough. Or sometimes, it's... it's not the right kind of love."
She looked at me quizzically for a few moments and I was sure I'd have to explain that more in depth.
"So... you guys love each other, but... because of like, the magic...?" She didn't finish, just looked at me for answers.
I was a little hurt that me and Tara's breakup, and all our problems could be blamed so easily on my use of magicks. Of course, I was fully aware that I did have a problem, was dealing with it, and could also admit that I did royally fuck up where that was concerned.
"Well... my magic use definitely had something to do with it... a-and yes... I wouldn't listen to her... but..."
I had to pause and choose my words. I knew Dawn and Tara were close and I didn't want Dawn to get the impression that I wanted to blame Tara or bad mouth her. I just wanted her to understand the whole situation better.
"Sometimes," I continued, "there are people that you are just better at being friends with. That's... that's kind of how it is with me and Tara. I-I do love her... a-and she means a lot to me. I owe her a lot and I want to be friends with her, I was sad when she left, but I know now that, that it's for the best. There were things in our relationship... other than the magicks... things before the magicks even became an issue that... that shouldn't have been..."
"Huh?"
I smiled, knowing I was making this more difficult than it should be.
"Okay. If I tell you something, you promise not to tell anyone?" I asked, knowing she would love to hear a "secret" but that it might be hard for her to keep it.
"Oh! A secret?!" She was excited, leaning forward and ready to receive whatever dastardly bit of information I was about to reveal.
"You are too cute Dawnie." I told her smiling.
"So...? What is it?"
"W-well... uh... besides some other things that... that I don't want to get into right now... um... we were both... attracted to um... well to other people."
"You weren't attracted to Tara?"
"No... no, no, no... We were very much attracted to each other. Believe me... but... I knew she was attracted to B... uh... to some uh... other girl. And I-I was uh... too... um, attracted to uh... someone else. So much so that it caused jealousy and accusations and arguments."
"I never heard you guys fight." She stated rather matter-of-factly.
"Well, we didn't air all our business for everyone. I-I would hope there were a lot of... uh... other things you didn't... hear... either..."
Dawn smiled widely and her face turned a bright red.
"Or did you?" I asked, peering at her with a raised eyebrow.
"W-w-well..." she stammered, "S-sometimes... But oh my God! You guys were like... so loud sometimes!"
I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. She was so cute and excited. It felt good to laugh. It felt like I hadn't laughed in so long. I really needed this release.
She grinned at me, trying to mock a glare.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." I said, holding up my hand in front of me. "Oh... that felt good." I said finally getting my laughing under control.
Dawn looked at me thoughtfully while I downed the last of my Coke.
"What?" I asked her.
"Is it Buffy?"
I shot a surprised look at her.
"Huh??!"
"The someone else that Tara's attracted to?"
"Uh..."
"'Cause sometimes I thought she was looking at her, like... like you guys looked at each other... before... I mean..."
"I know what you mean."
And she was right. Smart kid we had here. I always suspected Tara had a thing for Buffy. I had been there so long myself, I could pick up on it pretty easily. But after bringing Buffy back, and living in the same house with her, it had become extremely obvious that Tara was lusting after her. I thought it was just me who noticed. But I realize that Dawn sometimes gets shoved aside, forcing her to watch from the outside, and apparently she's become a really good observer.
"Yeah... she's got a... thing... for Buffy."
I guess I really have perfected hiding my own love and lust for Buffy since Dawn hadn't asked if she was the one I was attracted to.
"You too though, huh?"
Ok, so I spoke too soon.
"What?!"
"Come on Willow... I know my memories are supposed to be fake ones the monks created for me but... I've always known you loved my sister."
Can we say... what the hell? How did she know? I was sure I hid it so well. Who else knows? Oh of course, Buffy, because I basically told her and she hates me and I guess none of it matters now anyway!
"W-well... of course I love your sister... she... she's my best friend a-and I love Xander too but I don't want to uh... do stuff... I mean... not anymore... 'cause... um..."
But I saw the look in her eyes and I knew my babbling was a lost cause. I knew she knew and there was no denying anymore. And what was that I had just said about it not mattering anyway?
"Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes! Okay?"
She smiled victoriously at me, showing a lot of large white teeth. She was gloating!
"Think you're so smart huh?" I asked, leaning closer to her, mocking threat.
"Yup!" She shouted cheerily, jumping down from the stool and heading out the kitchen.
"Hey! Where are you going?"
I followed her into the living room, where she turned to me with a genuine smile on her face.
"Willow... I love you. And I love Tara. And I love Buffy. I just want all of you to be happy. If you and Tara are happy together then that's what I want. But if you can't be happy together, like you said, then I don't want you two to get back together because you guys won't be happy anymore..."
Maybe I could have brought a notebook and pen with me for taking notes.
"Ookay..."
"So, if you guys are happier not together then I'm good with that. I don't know if Tara loves Buffy. Do you think she does?"
I felt my heart start to sink. Did she want Buffy and Tara to get together? Of course, it wasn't like I had a chance anymore. But Buffy wasn't into girls, I think. Let me stress I think. There were a couple of times I wasn't sure.
I had to shake my head to clear my thoughts. Does Tara love Buffy? I honestly didn't know. I always simply assumed she just wanted her in a sex way.
"I don't know Dawn." My voice was weak.
"But you do, don't you?"
I looked at her and nodded. I could feel the fears that I had tried to ignore while in the kitchen with Dawn come shooting to the surface again. Yep, officially terrified again.
"Well, I'm just thinking that it makes so much sense for you guys to get together. You and Buffy, Tara and Buffy. I don't know..."
"Well Dawn, I don't think Buffy is exactly... ya know... into girls."
She said nothing else. Just smiled and glanced at the window.
I followed her gaze and saw a shadow of someone on the porch. I thought it was probably Buffy and felt relief. Relief bordering on outright fear.
I looked back at Dawn who, for the first time, I saw as a rapidly maturing young woman and was finally struck with the knowledge that she was the same age that I had been when I fell in love with Buffy. She yawned, stretching her arms up and behind her head, before passing me and heading for the stairs. She stopped at the door and looked through the peephole.
"Buffy's home. I'm going to bed. Night Willow."
"Night Dawn." I said just above a whisper, still looking at the shadow.
I wondered what she was doing. I wanted to open the door, make sure she was all right, that she wasn't hurt. But this panic that was rapidly spreading its wings over my entire body threatened to immobilize me, to force me into another retreat where I would hide and deny and force Buffy away. I had done that too long already. It was time for action girl and it was going to have to be now or never because in truth, if I waited any longer, I really would be back in my room, probably under the bed, and unwilling to come out for days forcing Buffy to finally break down the door where she would find my rotting dead hand sticking out from under the bed. Okay, bad bad thoughts. Clear head and focus. Come on feet, work.
I made my way over to the door, and although it a very short distance, It still felt like it took forever. I could imagine myself walking in thick mud, every step harder than the last. I looked through the peephole and saw that she was sitting on the porch, slumped against the post. Oh Goddess, she's hurt! Or, wait no. She wouldn't be on the porch, she'd be inside getting help, and I know this. No, she's scared to come inside. Oh, she's scared of me I bet. Scared I'll yell at her again. Or maybe she's not scared maybe she's angry. Oh boy...
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. This was it. I gripped the doorknob, turned, and opened the door as quietly as possible. She didn't know I was behind her. She must have been distracted because generally, with Slayer abilities and all, she would have heard the door open, or sensed someone there.
I stepped out onto the porch, pulling the door shut behind me. She straightened up when she heard the click, knowing now that she was not by herself.
"Buffy?" I said her name almost in a whisper, but I knew she could hear me. "A-are you... all right?"
"Willow..." She responded in her own whispered and sad voice.
"Buffy... we need to..."
"Talk." She finished for me. "Yeah, we need to talk."
I couldn't tell if this was going to be good or not. I did have a feeling though, that this was going to be an even longer night than it already was.
***
I walked down the street, my house in my sights. I slowed up, apprehensive about the facing off with Willow. I knew she was angry with me, knew she was disappointed. And now, I knew she had feelings for me. I wish I had known. I was feelings guilty for wishing I had known how she felt sooner because of all the great things I thought about her sexually. How sad is that? Fantasizing about your best friend in the most intimate ways? I shook my head with the thought of all the times I had orgasms with Riley or Spike, wishing it were Willow. Seeing her face, feeling her body, her hands, her tongue...
I needed to make everything okay with her.
Coming to the porch I couldn't help think briefly about Tara and our meeting earlier. Had she really come on to me? I had almost convinced myself that I had imaged it, but the look in her eye gave me doubts. I wondered as to what all that was about.
I could hear voices from inside the house as I neared the door. I paused, trying to listen. I knew it must be Dawn and Willow, but couldn't make out what they were saying. At least Willow wasn't locked in her room with the music blaring. I decided to sit a few minutes on the porch before heading inside. Just a few minutes to gather my thoughts, I promised myself. I sat on the top step, leaning the left side of my body against the post and eyeing the darkened street.
Clearing my head and gathering my thoughts wasn't as easy as I had hoped, however, as I found myself thinking of all the times I had over heard Willow and Tara making love. I was desperate to right things with Willow, the discussion ahead being the most important thing. My body had other ideas though, as I realized that as in as much turmoil over the whole situation I was in, I was frighteningly aroused, causing my brain to bring up all sorts of mental images, with the sounds of Willow and Tara's cries ringing in my ears. The memory of the first time I heard them taunted me and caused my heart to race just a little bit faster...
I'm in the shower, letting the hot water massage the tension out of my shoulders and wash the grime of a rather nasty night patrolling off of my skin.
A group of five vampires, mostly newbies, but some were pretty strong. The first three were quick and easy, it was the last two that gave me a run for my money. Nothing like a good ol' game of outrun the Slayer to get my blood pumping. After I staked the first three the others just up and ran. But I wasn't in a mood to play; I needed a good fight. I took off after them, catching up to one easily. I tackled his legs, bringing him down. He kicked at my chest, sending me sprawling, but I corrected myself before he had a chance to completely get on his feet. He whirled, one fist connecting with my stomach, the other my jaw. This one was quick. I staggered back only to see him about to run again. I sprinted, catching up and jumping on his shoulders, bringing him down for the last time. I dusted him easily, driving my stake through his back.
I saw the last one disappear behind a mausoleum and I took off after him, jumping over several smaller tombstones. I rounded the corner only to have him lunge at me, knocking me on my ass, my stake lost from the blow. We struggled, throwing punches, pushing and pulling. I finally managed to break free of his strong hands on my shoulders, and drove the heel of my palm up into his jaw before hitting him again with a swift swing to the side of his face. He toppled over, holding his head. I got up quickly, kicking him in the stomach before swiftly surveying the area for my stake. I spotted it by one of the nearby tombstones and dashed for it. The vampire had gotten up and growled before dashing for me. Either he was really stupid or didn't realize I had regained my stake, because he ran right into it, dusting himself.
I recalled Faith's remark about slaying making her hungry and horny and I couldn't help but agree wholeheartedly, especially nights like these.
I step out of the shower, the thick steam swirling around me and the cool air creeping up my bare legs, working it's way over my body, making my nipples hard. I towel off, brush my teeth and then my hair. I slide my robe back on, the plush fabric feeling soft and inviting against my warm worn skin.
That's when I hear them. Soft whimpers from behind the bathroom door, the one connecting to Willow and Tara's room. I glance at the door, uncertain of what to do. My brain screams to ignore, to go to my room and sleep. But the sudden jolt of arousal through my body has me frozen in place, unable to make a decision.
I step closer to the door, turning my head slightly and listening to the sounds of their lovemaking. Soft whispers and moans overlapping in a symphony of desire and pleasure. It's all I can do not to open their door and watch. I turn instead, my back pressed firmly against the door, fully aware of the sweat that has broken out all over my skin, in part from the steam still heavy in the hot air, but mostly due to the growing heat between my legs and the knowledge that what I'm doing is wrong, it's not right, it's... it's so turning me on.
My breath quickens, my heart rate increases, and the familiar throbbing of my sex sends a low gasp from my lips. Quickly, my hand flies to my mouth where I clamp down, keeping my own noises out of this. Their moans grow slightly louder, interjected with loud gasps. God bless Slayer hearing. I hear whispered names and pleas for release, sending waves of desire over my own flushed flesh. Not able to stand it any longer, I slide a shaky hand into my robe, grasping one of my breasts, my fingers teasingly sliding over the stiff peak. I close my eyes and clench my jaw muscles, willing no sound to escape.
I massage my breast and pinch my nipple harshly with my back against their door; their moans grow steadily louder with the passing of pleasure's time. Almost before I realize it, I've moved my other hand into my robe as well, gripping my closely shaven mound.
"Oh God please! Fuck me!" I hear Willow scream out and that's all I need.
I plunge two fingers between my slick swollen lips bringing my hot liquid up and over my hard button, and commence to assault it with short hard strokes.
"...like that baby?" Tara asks teasingly.
"Yesss...!" Willow gasps as I nod vigorously, my eyes closed tight, caught up in my own intense pleasure.
This is far more erotic than anything else I've experienced which only fuels the fire burning under my hand that much more. I feel the tension in my stomach swell and am forced to bring my other hand away from my sore breasts and hold it tightly over my mouth to hold back the gasps. I arch forward a little, my butt pressing hard against the door still, bracing myself as my legs begin to shake.
Their moans are much more intense now, I can tell Willow must be close. The thought of what she must look like causes a searing ache to race up my body from my center, almost pushing myself over the edge. I slow myself, prolonging it. I want to wait for Willow. I want to hear her, come with her. Momentarily I'm struck with the thought that I must be one sick puppy. The thought fades quickly however as I hear Willow's moans become loud, erratic, and demanding until she shouts out again.
"Oh yes yes!! Don't stop!"
I can't help but speed my own fingers up, sliding up and around my throbbing knot.
"Come for me baby." I hear Tara say encouragingly.
I know I'm about to and I think the same thing as Tara: Come for me Willow...
I was snapped out of my memory by the sound of the front door closing. I knew who it was. My senses were on overload due to Slayer mode and extreme arousal. I could smell her herbal shampoo and that expensive cream she wears.
"Buffy?" Came her voice in a whisper. "A-are you... all right?"
"Willow..." I whisper back. There's so much I want to say all at once, yet all I can manage is to whisper her name.
"Buffy... we need to..."
"Talk. Yeah, we need to talk." I say, knowing that this night would probably change both of our lives, whether for good or bad.