The Spaces In Between
by Red Willow
4
[reviews]
We left the porch and returned to the soft glows of our house, moving into the living room, the scene of our previous battle. There was no sound, save for an occasional car passing on the street. We sat on the couch, both of us firmly against an arm, facing each other, but not looking.
I drew my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them and placed my chin on my knee. Buffy sat Indian style, fiddling with her house key.
Neither of us knew where to begin I think. I could see the sadness, doubt, and regret play across her features just as surely as I knew she could see my own emotions on mine. After all the time we had spent as friends, after all we had shared, all the disagreements and make-ups, after all the things we had been through, still, here we were unable to face each other and draw enough courage to simply talk honestly with each other.
But honesty is a tricky thing. I had always thought of myself as an honest person, and I would never lie to Buffy, but in truth, I had been hiding my real feelings, and essentially, not only lying to myself, but to her as well all these years. I had to find my courage to be honest now for all the times I hadn't in the past.
"Buffy." I spoke softly, bringing her troubled eyes to focus on me.
I took a deep breath and said a short prayer that this thing between us would be ok, that everything would work out.
"I guess... well, there are some things I have to tell you, but-"
"I know Will, I-"
"Wait." I said, cutting her off. "Let me just say this first, ok?"
"Sure Wills."
I took another deep breath, as if I the oxygen in the room had gotten mysteriously thin since we settled on the couch.
"Ok. First off... I'm sorry. Sorry that I said all those things to you and went all kablooy over you... uh... sleeping with Spike. I... uh, it wasn't my place... and I realize that now... A-and I uh... well I was a real bitch and could have been more understanding and instead I just went off at you and Buffy I'm really, really sorry I acted that way!" I finally got out in one long breath.
"It's okay Will..."
"I know, I know you're mad-"
"Willow. I said it was okay." She said, cutting me off in mid pre-babble.
I looked at her, trying to figure out what was going on behind those eyes.
"I'm not mad at you. God knows I probably would've acted the same way in your position. NO, I know I would've."
"A-are you... sure?" I asked, feeling guilty still. Where was my punishment? I was sure I was going to get a lecture on how it was none of my business and she could have sex with anyone she wanted. Eww, sex with Spike. I don't even want to think about it.
"I'm sure. I'm not mad at you. I'm... sorry."
"Sorry?"
"Yeah, sorry. For... for a lot of things. The whole thing with Spike, not telling you what was going on. For not... ya know... being the best friend, or even a good roommate."
She smiled at her last remark, but it didn't last long.
"But Buffy, I mean... a lot of that... I mean, some of it's my fault too, especially since I..."
"Willow..." She shook her head, not wanting me to go on.
"Will, I shut you guys out. You and Xander are my best friends and once upon a time you knew about everything. Yes, it's been hard being back, but I know why you guys did it and I don't blame you for anything. It hurts to be here sometimes, but I'm dealing with it, I'm getting over it... and Willow... maybe... maybe this gives me a second chance. Maybe you've given me a second chance."
"A second chance?" I asked with confusion showing in my voice.
What second chance could she mean? She had already saved the world more times than I'd wish to remember, sacrificed herself for Dawn, for all of us, been the best Slayer.
"Yes." She said simply, and then looked down at her hands where she continued to flip the silver key between her index and middle fingers and thumb.
"For what?"
"Will, what did you mean before when you said I'd rather be with Spike than you?"
And there it was at last. I knew we were getting close. I could feel it. Tell her the truth I screamed at myself. And of course I would, I had to, but surely she knew what I meant by that statement. She's been out of it for the last couple of months, but she didn't come back stupid.
I sat there with arms wrapped up around my legs as if in protection, eyeing her, trying to figure out what she wanted to hear, where she was going with this. But I knew that regardless what was on her mind, there was a question there that I had opened up in a fit of anger and confusion and the only thing I could do was answer it.
After another long pause, I softly said, "I meant... Exactly what I said Buffy."
She looked at me, a crease forming in her forehead; she was heavy in thought.
"I-I..." Another deep breathe, letting it out slowly. I seemed to be doing that all day. "A-Ok, I'm going to say this because it's long overdue, a-and because I told myself upstairs that it was time to be brave and get it off my chest... a-and this is really hard and I'm scared you'll be mad or hate me... but I-I..."
"It's okay Will, I couldn't ever hate you."
She leaned forward, touching her fingertips to my trembling hand, forcing me to meet her eyes briefly before I shot my gaze to the space between us on the couch.
"Just tell me." She said with an encouraging and soft voice that I hadn't heard in a long time.
"I love you."
"You love me?" She peered at me, sizing me up. "I love you too Will."
"No Buffy... I... I'm in love with you." I glanced at her, meeting her eyes briefly once more.
"I know what you meant. And... A-and I am... too."
"Huh?"
"I... I'm in love... with you... too."
Ok, hold up, wait a minute. I must be losing it. No, I'm dreaming. I'm still upstairs sleeping and any minute now large carrots will sprout from the carpet and frogs will attack.
"Will?"
I looked up at her again. Concern clearly displayed across her face, but there was a faint trace of a smile on her lips.
"Uhhh..." Is all I could get out because I was utterly speechless. Okay, one good pinch just to make sure. OUCH.
"Will?!"
"Uhhh..."
"Ok, well sound is good. I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... scare you."
I shake my head. I'm awake and this is real. Buffy just told me she loved me, was in fact in love with me. I should be all Woo's and Hoo's. So why am I all, Oh boy's and trembly?
"Willow... Please say something..." She pleaded, wrapping her own trembling hand around mine.
"Do you mean it?"
"Wha-? Of course! I wouldn't lie about that. I love you. I really do."
"It's just so... it's hard to..." I started, but I didn't know what to say.
I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, how long I had loved her, thought about her, wanted her, how long I had waited for some sign from her that she felt the same way, knowing that she never would. I wanted to reveal all my insecurities, my doubt, shame, and guilt that I had built up over the years, built up because of her and the overwhelming love I had for her.
She must have picked up on my doubt, my insecurities never too far from under my skin, because out of nowhere my best friend, the Slayer, the woman I adored above all else, was kneeling in front of me and pressed her lips to mine in the softest, sweetest kiss I had ever known.
Her lips pressed against mine, warm and tender, caring lips with no pressure or expectations behind them. A simple caress that I knew was her way of telling me she was serious, she meant every word she said, and that I only needed to trust her. And of course I trusted her. I trusted her with my life, and always had because she had always shown just how much she cared, risking her own life in order to save mine. Goddess, how much I loved her.
I opened my lips, inviting her to deepen the kiss. I felt the tip of her tongue on my bottom lip, as if testing, tasting and I met it with my own tongue, flicking it gently. We deepened the kiss further, inviting the stored passion to pour out between us, as our tongues slid over each other in my mouth. I squeezed her hand tighter, bringing my fingers between hers. I brought my other hand up to the back of her head, sliding it into that glorious soft hair, and pulled her closer to me as I pushed her tongue back into her mouth with mine, tasting her, roaming with a need to be inside her fully.
After a few long, intense moments we broke from the kiss, pressing our foreheads against each other, breathing heavily. My heart was pounding in my chest. Finally, after all these years, after everything and everyone we'd been through, finally we were doing what we wanted to do all along. Neither of us spoke for a few minutes, enjoying the closeness, the rhythm of each other's breathing.
***
I couldn't believe I had actually gotten up enough nerve to kiss her. I've wanted to do that forever, or well, since I met her. She has the sweetest taste, perfect lips, and God she's a good kisser. Really wish I could of found that out a long time ago, I wouldn't have had to deal with Riley. Ugh, what a bad kisser he was.
She's in love with me. She really is. What were the odds that two girls, two best friends, would be in love with each other for six years and never know? Not once did either of us confront the other, talk about it, or even slip up and say or do something embarrassing and revealing. Not once in six years could I, the mighty vampire slayer, get up enough courage to simply tell Willow how I felt.
I looked at her, our faces no more than a couple of inches apart. Her eyes were closed and we were both trying to get our breathing under control. Her heart was beating just as fast as mine. I wanted to kiss her again, take her in my arms and carry her upstairs, make love to her all night and maybe all of Saturday too. But I knew there was probably more we needed to talk about, and I wasn't too sure I wanted to rush right into things, even if it was evident that our love and passion for each other was true.
She opened her eyes and jumped when she realized I was looking at her.
"Oh... sorry." I said grinning, moving my head away from hers slightly.
"Its okay... just wasn't expecting you to be... staring at me."
She gave me a warm smile with those lips I had dreamt of kissing for years and now finally had. Oh what a lucky duck I was.
"I've wanted to kiss you for so long." She told me.
"Me too."
"Anything like you expected?" She asked grinning.
"Not even close." I said seriously.
Her face fell slightly and I knew I'd have to work on fixing all those insecurities she had about herself that seemed to resurface shortly after Tara left.
"Way better. By leaps and bounds better!" I said laughing gently. I cupped her cheek and leaned forward, giving her a soft kiss on her cheek. "You are so beautiful." I whispered pulling away from her again.
She blushed, giving me a half smile.
"No... you're the beautiful one, remember?"
"Hey... listen to me. Will you are so beautiful, I mean... come on, you're hot!" She blushed an even brighter shade of red.
"Willow... I haven't seen you act so shy since we were in high school..."
"Well... I-I'm kind of... nervous..."
"Oh... About... this? I mean... us... or?"
"Yeah, this. You and me... I-I've wanted this for so long and now I'm..." She laughed more out of embarrassment than anything else.
"Unsure?" I asked, fearing she was going to renounce everything.
"No! Oh God no... No way!"
It was her turn to give the reassurance.
"Buffy, ever since I met you, I've wanted to be... with you. I-I mean... not be... in the biblical... or um... well ok... like that too... but... I-I mean... I've wanted this for so long and we've both changed so much and I guess it's stupid really... I-it's just that, I-"
I put a finger to her lip, shushing her.
"I think I know what you mean."
"You do?"
"Sure. You're nervous, a little scared maybe, that we've been best friends for so long... and you're right we both have changed a lot... that... that you don't want to rush anything, you don't want to ruin a chance that we could have together... finally"
She simply looked at me, her eyebrows slightly raised.
"Am I kind of on track?" I asked.
"Yeah... yeah, that's... yeah."
"Don't worry Will, I don't want to rush anymore than you do. I want to be with you. I want to work all this out and spend my life with you. That's all I've ever wanted."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah..."
"How come... How come you never said anything?"
"Well, why didn't you?"
"Oh..." She concluded, knowing that we both had the same fears and doubts.
"But Buffy... why didn't you... I mean, when I told you about Tara and me... why... why didn't you then?"
"I was stupid. I was so wrapped up in Riley... wrapped up in him to escape and bury my desire for you, I might add, that I was totally blind to the pain you were going through when Oz left. When you told me about Tara... I don't know... part of me just figured I'd missed another chance. While the other part of me just freaked out because you liked girls when I always thought I never had a chance because you were... ya know... always straight. I was blown, actually."
I sighed, looking into those deep green eyes I loved so very much.
"Then it hit me that, hey! you really did like girls," I continued, "and that you really liked Tara... a lot, and I knew I couldn't mess with that. I knew that even if I just told you I liked girls too, which I admit, would've saved a lot of confusion as to whether I was ok with your new choice in date material, but... but I knew that if I told you that, even out of friendly reassurance, that I would spill the rest, and I didn't want to complicate things. I didn't want you to think that I expected anything from you because I knew you liked girls now. Does that make any sense?"
She looked at me for a few silent moments, peering at me with those round dark eyes, a smile growing around the corners of her mouth.
"Yeah... guess I can understand that. I still wish you had told me."
"I know... I've wanted to ever since you came out. There were so many times I wanted to... I don't know... just let you know... let you know you weren't the only gay one around here." I finished with a chuckle.
She gave me a warm smile before asking, "How long have you...?"
"A long time Wills. Eighth grade, I think."
"Really?" She asked surprised, her eyebrows shooting up.
I laughed softly, nodding my head. I clasped my other hand over hers and wondered if I should tell her everything.
"Wow... Buffy... have you... I mean... have you ever... like..."
"Not... like... No, not... um... all the way?" I laughed, feeling ridiculous.
"So... you never... with a girl?"
"Do you really want to hear all my deep dark secrets Will?"
"Of course!" She grinned.
"I figured." I responded with a similar grin. "Well, simple story. I was always kind of interested in girls. There was this girl that lived down the street from me and we hung out after school, watching TV... ya know, stuff like that." She nodded, urging me to go on. "Well, she told me that her parents wanted to move to Kansas, or something like that. I think her Dad's company wanted to transfer him or something." I shrugged, not really able to remember. "Well, anyway, the day before they were supposed to leave she was at my house, per usual, and well... she kissed me. It wasn't anything big... not very good... but it was... nice, soft. First time I kissed a girl. I wanted to do it again and again, but she had to go and I never could figure out exactly what all that meant."
"Wow, she just like... kissed you?"
"Yeah, like... one minute we're saying our goodbyes and I'm telling her to write and the next we're lip locked. It was really very confusing."
"So then what happened?"
She was really getting into this... little vixen.
"Well," I continued, "Nothing. I realized I liked girls and felt really bad about it all summer, and then I dated a few boys at Hemery and I... I mean I was interested in some girls... but come on... you know how high school is..."
She rolled her eyes before she said, "Oh please, I was like poster child for awkward nerd... Ooh... with a sign that said 'pick on me'"
"Oh, Will... they were just stupid and didn't know you."
"Whatever Summers... now get on with your story!"
"Oh! Okay, okay...! So where was I? Oh yeah! Then I met this beautiful redhead and fell madly in love and thought that she was as straight as they came, not to mention she was head over heels in love with her best friend who was just as blind as the rest of them." I beamed at her, seeing the blush rise in her cheeks again.
She shook her head.
"You know why I thought I was so in love with him don'tcha?"
I shrugged.
"Because he was my only friend. I loved him like a brother, and I thought he would be the boy I married and had babies with. I just thought we were supposed to be together."
"Mmm hmm... and all that kissing?" I arched my eyebrow at her, daring her to explain all that.
"Hmm... well, lets just say a mix of emotion, unrequited love, and a dash of lust... Hey! We're talking about you here Missy, not me!"
She pursed her lips and brought her hands away from mine, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Okay, okay..." I caved, bringing her arms back to me so I could hold her hands again.
"Are you sure you want to hear the rest?"
"Why? Is there something I'm not going to like?"
"Mmm... maybe." I said, glancing down at our entwined hands.
"Did you sleep with Faith?!"
My head shot up and my eyes must have been as wide as silver dollars. How the hell did she get to that conclusion?
"Wha- What?! Willow... how did... Uh... I mean... why would you...?"
Her mouth fell open in disbelief, although she must have always suspected. Okay action girl, jump in and explain any minute now.
"I thought you said you never-?" She started.
"No, wait! Will... I didn't! Not... no... no not..."
"I'm listening." She said calmly crossing her arms over her chest again.
I sighed deeply. Oh boy.
"First off, I really didn't sleep with her... I've never had sex with a woman, period. okay?"
She nodded.
"Okay. We um... did stuff though. Ya know... one night..." I chanced a glance at her before returning my eyes to my empty hands. "Okay, well, more than one night." I finally said in defeat.
"And?" She asked, probing.
She really wanted to know all about me. But I couldn't blame her. She thought she knew everything about me, and now all of a sudden there was a whole past she didn't have a clue about.
"Well, ya know... we kissed, we... um... felt... ahh... this is weird..."
"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to push. I guess I feel a little overwhelmed. There really are a lot of things I don't know about you, huh?"
"No... not a lot... Just this kind of stuff. Faith and I... there was never anything there. You remember when she made that comment about slaying making her hungry and horny?"
"Oh yeah... how could I forget. You said you usually would eat a yogurt... or um... something like that."
"Well... you know how I usually go right for the refrigerator right after patrol, or any fight...?"
"Yeah...? Oh."
"Yeah. So there were a few nights after we were done patrolling that we uh... ya know... made out and um... well she wanted to have sex... and I couldn't, not with her. Hell, I had only slept with Angel... and you know how that turned out. Not a great ego boost. So, you know... boyfriend losing soul, combined with Faith not being the girl I wanted to uh... do the wacky with... well... I just couldn't. Finally I just stopped going back to her place with her because I knew where it was leading and I knew I didn't want to go there."
I never told anyone that before and I wasn't sure how Willow would take it. But instead of getting mad and leaving, or sulking, or doing anything that I feared she would, she simply shrugged and wrapped her hand up in mine again.
"You're not mad?" I asked.
"Of course not, silly. That was then and this is now. You didn't know she was going to go all psycho and try to kill us."
"You know why she wanted to hurt you so much don't you?"
Willow just looked at me, waiting for an answer.
"Because she knew, she knew I loved you and I wouldn't be with her like she wanted."
"You think so?"
"I know so."
Willow put her legs down, stretching her left one out beside me on couch, and pulled me into a hug.
"I love you, Buffy." She whispered, gently brushing her lips over my ear, sending shivers through my body.
"It feels so good to hear you say that."
"I always tell you I love you."
"Yes, but now I know you feel the same way I do." I finished with a wide smile, pulling her into my arms tighter, never wanting to let her go.
"I love you being in my arms."
"Especially when you're not saving my life for the umpteenth time, huh?"
I gently released her from the hug, and held her by the shoulders, staring into those deep green pools.
"Willow, you know I never count. I never even think about it. It's instinct, protect and defend the ones I love. Kill the things that threaten or harm them."
"I know... you're the Slayer and it's part of your job."
"No Will. Slaying isn't just my job. Giles always points out that it's my destiny, and that's true. But, I slay because of you. I slay to protect you and keep you safe. You and everyone else I care about. You're my life Will, even if I never told you how I really feel before tonight. Slaying is my life, because you're my life."
She continued to look at me without speaking, as if lost in my gaze. Then I saw it. Her bottom lip started to quiver and her cheeks flushed a soft red before the tears began to fall.
"Oh Willow..." I said, pulling her into a tight embrace.
"I-I'm sorry..." She whispered, "It's just that... what you said... that was so... Geeze Buffy... that was so sweet."
I stroked back, letting her gently cry on my shoulder. I didn't want her sad, and I certainly hadn't meant to make her cry.
"Not sweet Will. I was just being honest."
"Ooh... that was sweet too!"
I rocked her in my arms gently, loving every second of the contact, and kissed her head softly.
"Don't cry Willow, I want something good to come out of today."
She pulled away from me and smiled, wiping a few stray tears from her cheeks.
"This is a great day Buffy. Regardless of anything else that happened today, this is the best day ever!"
And with that she threw her arms around my neck and pulled me into another passionate kiss, our bodies pressed hard against each other, our lips crushing and sucking for all we were worth.
***
She can't do this to me. I'm a bloody animal! A Goddamned monster and I demand a little respect! I'm not some poor little puppy dog she can kick around. I'm not a free ride she can pump for information and a good time!
I opened the door, not even bothering to knock. I heard voices in the living room and only had one guess as to whose they were. I closed the door and walked into the foyer, turning to see her and Red on the couch.
"This is a great day Buffy. Regardless of anything else that happened today, this is the best day ever!" Shouted Red, and pulled the Slayer into a tight embrace, which interestingly included a very heated kiss. Ooh, with tongue. What in bloody hell was going on? They didn't even hear me come in, so wrapped up in their own little... whatever they were doing.
"Bloody hell!" I growled. That should get their attention. The Slayer and me had some unfinished business.
"Spike?!" The two twits yelled at once, breaking off from their kiss.
Before I could even get in any good jabs the Slayer was on me in seconds.
"Spike! I thought I told you to leave me alone?! Now leave!"
"Come on now, luv, don't you think we need to finish what we-?"
Her hand flew up and punched me in the nose, sending me a few steps back. I knew she liked it rough, but in front of the witch?
I shrugged, "You always like to start with the fighting. Maybe it's you that gets off on the pain, eh Slayer?" I grinned at her, trying to cover my bleeding nose.
"You're a pig Spike. Now get out of my house before I throw you out."
She was being a real bitch tonight. I decided that I would just have to try harder.
"You sure you wouldn't rather me stay?" I said slyly, glancing up the stairs. "Red can join... if that's what you want."
Again with the fist, only that time I caught it in my hand. I smiled at her, daring her to make another move.
She kicked me in my shin and I howled out in pain. I released her hand, fumbled back, and grabbed my leg. I looked up and saw that Red had come up behind Buffy, scowling at me.
Anger burned in my undead heart. Did she really think she was just going to use me and toss me out with the dogs while she played little miss homemaker with the lesbo?
I reached out and grabbed Buffy around the waist, pulling her to me in an angry, hungry kiss. Of course she fought, she always fought at first.
"Ugh! Spmmmphf-!" She tried, pushing against my chest.
"Hey!" I heard the witch shout before she brained me with some bleedin heavy book.
I released the Slayer from my grasp and on instinct I swung my arm around, slamming it into Red's stomach, sending her flying into a small table. Instantly my head seared with red-hot pain. I grabbed my head and sank to my knees, yelling in agony.
"Willow!" Buffy shouted, leaving my side and running after her.
I was angry but I hoped I didn't hurt her too much. I did kind of like the little firecracker.
"You son of a bitch!"
I looked up just in time to see Red pull a bloody hand from the back of her head before the Slayer pulled me up by my neck, squeezing tight.
"Ssslayer..." I tried. She only squeezed harder.
I wrapped my own hand around her small hot neck, forcing my grip on her. I wasn't going to be taken so easily in this round.
"Ssspike..." She managed, "a-aabout tthat pr..ahhh..mise..."
Promise?
I heard someone shout, but couldn't focus on it.
Her hold was so tight I didn't think I could speak at all, and that's when I saw the long piece of wood in her other hand. My eyes went wide and I eased my grip on her neck considerably, but I didn't let go.
"Goodbye Spike..." She said sadly.
I scrambled, trying to break from her grasp, I made terribly gurgling noises in protest. I released my grip on her neck completely, thinking she would let me go then. I guess I pushed her too far for the last time.
"Buffy...?" I heard the little bit say before the flash of wood entered my chest.
"Sorry Spike, but I should have done that a long time ago."
And that's the last thing I remember the woman I loved telling me before I exploded into a cloud of dust. Bloody shame, that was.