Red Skies at Morning
by TheBear
Chapter 6
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Part 6
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Buffy agreed with Xander. She could never hate Willow. Not even if she tried. "Not that I've actually ever tried," she thought. "I mean, why would I try..." She recognized her subconscious desire to postpone this confrontation by having a silly argument with herself. "I need to get this done!" she shouted at herself.
With a big sigh, and another silent agreement with Xander- "I certainly was confused," she admitted- she knocked on the door.
She heard Willow's worried whisper, "Oh, God! What if that's her?" Xander answered, "Calm down Wills. If it's her, she's obviously here to talk to you. Now- you stand right there, and I'll get the door."
Buffy heard him walk to the door and open it. He stood there for a moment, not speaking.
Buffy nervously shifted from foot to foot before saying, "Hi."
Xander smiled ever so slightly at Buffy's anxious expression. He figured Willow was about to be a very happy girl. He stepped out the door, pulling it half-shut behind him and forcing Buffy back a step. At her confused expression he said, "I love you Buffy. I think you know that... But, if you hurt her, I'll never forgive you."
Buffy was stunned for a moment at the seeming non sequitor, but then the full meaning of his statement, and the question contained therein hit her. She smiled and pulled him into a hug.
Releasing a somewhat stunned-looking Xander, she assured him, "You are a great friend, Xan; Thank you. And, I don't plan on ever hurting her."
Xander smiled in both relief and happiness for his two best friends in the world. As he went to walk away, he added with a sly smile, "If you really want to thank me, invest in a video camera,"
Buffy glared as he danced out of the way of her smack on the arm, "God! Xander! You just can't resist, can you?" At his laugh she threatened, "If you're not careful, I'm gonna tell Cordelia you said that." She laughed outright at his stunned look of horror.
"You wouldn't," he pleaded, his face ashen.
Buffy struck a pose, arms crossed, weight on one foot, the other slightly forward and tapping on the porch. Her face had a serious expression on it and she had one eyebrow raised, as though she were considering some lower life form that she would normally not deign to speak to, "Xander, I'm the slayer. I don't make idle threats."
"Uh, nevermind. I'm leaving now. You go talk to Willow," he said as he took off running- visions of a pissed off Cordelia scurrying across his thoughts.
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Willow was nearly hyperventilating as she paced back and forth frantically. "OhGod!OhGod!OhGod!" kept running through her mind over and over. When Buffy's head peaked around the corner from the living room, followed rapidly by the rest of her, Willow panicked. She took a step toward her, then froze. She started to reach out to her but then drew her hand back swiftly to her side. Her mouth opened, but no sound came out.
Buffy was very nervous herself, after all she had essentially gotten her jollies off of Willow and then bailed on her. She kinda thought Willow might be a little pissed off about that. But, she knew that Willow thought that she hated her, or at least she was afraid of it. Willow must have felt that she had done something bad to Buffy. And, while one might make a case for inappropriate, or even poor timing- there was no badness there. She waited for Willow to say something. When nothing was forthcoming, she started off with, "Hi Willow."
She meant to say a bunch more, but her brief words seemed to have opened a floodgate on Willow's insecurities.
"Oh, Buffy!" she cried out, "I'm so sorry! You must hate me, what I did was so terrible, and, well, ok I was sleeping but I should have known, and then for you to find out I lo... like you like that and I know you're not- I mean; you like boys, and..." she paused to take a deep, ragged breath.
Buffy was too startled by her outburst to say anything for a moment.
Assuming the worst from Buffy's silence, Willow started to cry- her nightmare of Buffy rejecting her and reviling her rose to the surface of her mind. "I'm so sorry!" she sobbed out. "I promise I'll never do any or say anything again, just please don't hate me Buffy!" The pain of assumed rejection was like a physical weight pressing on her chest. She hated herself for breaking down like this. She berated herself, "Why would she even want to be your friend!? You molest her in her sleep and then cry like a baby the moment you see her!!!"
Willow slowly started to collapse, sliding down the face of the cupboards until she was on her knees, hunched over, her arms wrapped around her stomach. She felt absolutely beat-down by the emotional pain of rejection and the abject humiliation of breaking down in front of the girl she loved.
Buffy felt horrible- She knew Willow was a very sensitive and insecure person. Despite the fact that Buffy thought she was so wonderful, and smart and beautiful; Willow still had a self image of the shy little nerd that no one loved or would ever love. "And I fed right into that when I ran this morning. I knew she had abandonment issues, and what did I do but abandon her?" Buffy mentally castigated herself.
Her own face wet with tears she rushed to Willow's side. Crouching down she said, "How could I ever hate you Willow? You're my best friend." Deciding that she didn't want to have a conversation on the kitchen floor, Buffy scooped Willow up into her arms and carried her into the living room. She thought about taking her up to her bed, but didn't think Willow would be able to handle that at the moment. She set Willow down on the loveseat, her back against the arm, and then sat down against the other arm so they were facing each other, knees almost touching as Willow had her legs drawn up under her, and Buffy sat Indian-style.
"Willow, please look at me," Buffy said as Willow kept her tear stained face looking into her lap. When she didn't respond, Buffy reached over and took one hand from where it was busy wringing the other, and held it between her own. "Please, Willow?"
Willow forced herself to look up at Buffy's face, taking in the tear tracks and shiny, tear-filled eyes. Before she could begin apologizing again, Buffy spoke.
"Willow, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You are my best friend. You and Xander are the only friends I have, and I don't plan on losing you- not ever! Certainly not over this." The 'this' in question was obviously a reference to this morning.
Willow's guilt was too strong to be so easily allayed. "How can you be ok with this? I- I..." her eyes dropped to her lap once again and she pulled her hand back as she continued quietly, "I *raped* you Buffy!"
Buffy interjected, "No! No way, Willow! If anyone is to blame for that it's me."
Willow goggled at her as though she had grown a second head. She wouldn't have been more surprised at that moment if Buffy had told her that she caught Giles dressed in a pink Tutu and pirouetting to the music of swan lake. "How can you say that?" she asked, totally bewildered.
Buffy dropped her gaze now, embarrassed by her behavior that morning. She would rather not talk about this either, but there was no way she was going to let Willow blame herself for something that she wasn't even aware she was doing. "Especially when I should have stopped it!" she chastised herself.
A blush slowly crept up Buffy's face as she spoke, "I woke up this morning feeling really good." Buffy closed her eyes and leaned her head against the back of the couch, both because it was easier to remember the events and it allowed Willow to look at her as she spoke. "I felt your hand under my shirt, touching me and I pressed into it. Then I heard your voice, and you were talking sexy talk, and I realized you were dreaming." Buffy's breath hitched slightly, both in embarrassment, and also a little arousal as she relived the feelings.
Willow was amazed at how candid Buffy was being. In one way it hurt because she was reliving the events that she had slept through the first time, allowing her new thoughts to beat herself up about- especially because a part of her wished she could remember how it felt to touch Buffy that way, "It's not like I'll ever get another chance," she thought.
Buffy continued, "Then I felt your other hand on my tummy, sliding down toward..." she left off there, too embarrassed to say it out loud, even as she remembered the sudden heat and wetness that had sparked when she felt Willow's hand nearing the elastic of her panties.
Willow's breathing became shallow and she scolded herself for it, "how perverted am I?! I'm getting hot hearing Buffy describe how I molested her!"
Buffy kept her eyes closed, knowing that if she looked at Willow, she wouldn't be able to continue. "I was going to stop you then, even though it felt..." she couldn't yet say that out loud. She couldn't tell Willow how good it felt- not until she got the whole thing out. She was trying to ask for forgiveness, not seduce the redhead.
"Anyway. Then I heard you say my name, and I realized that you were dreaming about me! You were having a sex dream about me! And, I should have stopped you, but then your hand... and it felt so... a- and I should have stopped you, but... but I didn't." Buffy dropped her head into her hands, crying. "I should have done something Willow. I'm so sorry... I just let you go on and on until I..."
Willow's jaw dropped even farther as Buffy sobbed, "And then, when you wigged out and ran away, I just laid there, still... And then even when I recovered I didn't go and tell you it was ok, I could hear you crying and I knew I should have said something but I didn't!" Buffy finally opened her eyes and looked into Willow's, "I was so confused... I just ran and ran until I found a couple of Vamps and I just beat on them until I was exhausted. I'm so sorry Willow! I... I..."
Willow was still so stunned that she couldn't say anything. Her mind was whirling in circles, trying to figure out how it was that Buffy could be crying and apologizing for being molested to the person who did it to her!
Buffy took a moment to put herself back together mentally. She could see that Willow was floundering, and she thought that she would feel just like Willow did in her place, so she could understand how this was confusing to her. So, Buffy broke it down as simply as she could: "Willow. You were asleep. You didn't know what you were doing. I could have stopped you. I didn't. I'm sorry. You wigged and I didn't say anything to you. I should have. I'm sorry for that too. Then, to top it all off, I bailed on you, and left you there blaming yourself. I'm really sorry about that."
Buffy reached out and cupped the slack-jawed redhead's face in her right hand and added, "Can... Will you forgive me? I forgive you for anything you think you did wrong... even though I think it's my fault, I know I'd feel the same way as you if it was the other way around, so..."
Willow's mind was still in the 'fire bad, tree pretty' stage and all she could get out was, "I... you... but..."
Buffy smiled a little at her friend's impression of a fish-out-of-water. "Is that a yes?" she asked, "'Cause I can't tell," she teased.
Willow snapped out of her confusion. "Grrr!" she growled, smiling at being teased. Immediately after, her smile disappeared and she was very serious as she asked, "Are you really ok with this Buffy? 'Cause, I couldn't stand it if I lost you as a friend. That's the most important thing. Way more important than..."
Buffy interrupted her with a finger on her lips. "You are so *not* going to lose me as a friend. I will be your friend for as long as you will let me. And even after that I'll be your friend if you ever want me back..."
It was Willow's turn to interrupt, taking Buffy's hand off of her lips and into her own hands, she said, "Never happen. The second part I mean. I mean the needing to take you back part, 'cause that would mean getting rid of you and..."
"I get it Will," Buffy said, smiling. Babbling Willow was a back-to-normal Willow. "Friends forever."
"You better believe it!" she said with a sparkle in her eye. She was so relieved that this didn't ruin their friendship! "I'll never bring up my more-than-friends feelings for her again!" she promised herself. "I lived with it for years with Xander, I can handle it," she told herself.
Which is why she was shocked when the next thing out of Buffy's mouth was, "How long have you had... more than friends feelings for me?"
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Xander stopped running after about a block. His mind was whirling with Buffy/Willow thoughts. Some were of the naked kind, of course, but mostly he thought about how happy those two would be if they really tried. He knew Willow adored Buffy- and he wasn't kidding when he told Willow she would be the perfect girlfriend. No one Xander had ever met was more loyal, more caring and loving than Willow. She wasn't a pushover though- she would go to great lengths for someone, she'd bend over backwards to help, but she wouldn't let them run her over.
Spring fling was a perfect example of that. When Buffy had crushed his heart like a bug, "Ok maybe that's a bit harsh," he thought. When she'd rejected his dating proposition, he had thought Willow would be his fallback. He knew she wanted to be the one he asked to the dance. She had turned him down cold, though. "And, rightly so," he admitted. She had called it perfectly- he would have been pining after Buffy the whole time. He was ashamed afterwards that he had even considered treating her so badly.
And yet, she forgave him, didn't get angry, or yell or scream at him; even though he deserved it. She just kept on being his friend.
Buffy was miserable the entire time she dated Angel. She'd never admit it, but it was true. It just wasn't right- they were too different, and Xander could see how it was eating her up all of the time. "The king of brood is not what Buffy needs. She broods plenty all by herself," he thought with certainty. Willow would be very good for Buffy.
And, if Buffy would invest even half of the love and commitment that she had with Angel, into a relationship with Willow... "Someone who could actually appreciate it," he thought with just a little bitterness. He just knew that Willow would thrive under such attention. Buffy would invest a great deal of herself into the person she loved- irregardless of what anyone else said or did.
Of course, in a perfect world- as defined by Xander Harris- Buffy would love him like that, and Willow would have someone else who would love and care for her.
"But I don't live in a perfect world. Buffy's never going to feel that way about me," he thought. Neither Buffy nor Willow really knew how much that hurt him. "And they never will!" he silently vowed. It had taken him a long time to convince himself that Buffy would never, never love him like he wanted her to. He had to admit that it would be much easier to cope with Buffy and Willow together than to see her with another guy. He loved Willow, and seeing her happy made him happy. He had Buffy's friendship, and Willow wouldn't ever feel threatened and try to interfere with that friendship the way another guy would. Plus, if Buffy was with a woman, he wouldn't have to feel like he didn't measure up to some other man. He had hated the feeling like she had compared him to Angel, and he had come up short. "No need to compete against a girl," he thought. "It's a whole different league."
Now, the question became, "where do I go on the Buffyless road ahead?"
The real question was whether or not to really invest himself in his relationship with Cordelia. That she had chosen him over her friends, especially after his screw-up with the spell and the resulting 'Post-Valentine's-Day-Near-Massacre,' spoke of a chance at something real. He was ashamed to admit to himself that he had really only been using Cordelia. It had started out as nothing more than teen lust.
She'd been right when she called him on it that night in her car- he spent too much time obsessing over Buffy and Willow when he should have been focused on her.
He needed to decide if he wanted Cordy for Cordy. No more marking time until the day he could have a shot with Buffy. That day was never coming and it was time to face up to it.
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