Stupid Girl
by dawnm
Still Stupid
[reviews]
A/N: This started out as a one page piece of torture one night when I was in a very strange mood. I didn't plan on continuing, but the readers have insisted. I've been inspired to keep writing this fic. I hope you like it. I've never written first-person point of view before, let alone Buffy's POV.
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Still Stupid
Damn lousy slayer senses. Why didn't I hear her come in? I throw my arm over my face, trying to duck and cover before she notices the tears that I know I've been crying.
"Are you okay?" She asks. The concern in her voice makes it hard to breathe. "Are you crying?" Somewhere inside, a part of me is laughing at the fact that I can't seem to hide anything from her. I'm lost in my thoughts, wondering what she's doing here, when I feel her hand on my arm. The touch causes me to jump and she pulls her hand away. At some point, my arm moved and I can see by the worried look in her eyes that my face must be a mess.
"I'm okay. Just a hard day." I tell her, trying to smile. She's looking in my eyes, trying to see into me. Everything I feel is so close to the surface, all of my own personal misery that I've been wallowing in. I turn away, hoping she doesn't see.
"No, Buffy. You're not okay. You're really not." She says knowingly, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "What's wrong?" A million thoughts run through my mind but I can't make sense of any of them. I don't know what to say.
A minute later, I hear her gasp and she launches off the bed. I've been avoiding eye contact since she came in, but now I have to look. She's backing away with this scared look in her eyes, like maybe I just hit her. But I didn't. Now I'm scared. What happened?
"Will?" That's all I can say. Eloquent as ever. I'm off the bed and moving toward her, but she keeps shaking her head, backing up until she crashes into the wall. She sinks to the floor and I see the tears in her eyes. I made her cry.
I drop at her side and reach out to her. As soon as my hand touches her knee, she jerks it away and looks up at me. The pain in her eyes knocks the air out of my lungs. "Will, what's the matter?" I ask, my voice bordering on frantic.
"You..." She says and I know even from the one word that it's an accusation.
"What? What did I do?" I ask in a shaky voice.
"You lied. Earlier. You are freaked." She says between sobs. "We were best friends. I-I thought, at least I hoped, that you could accept. But you can't. Can you?"
And I finally get it.
"What?" I ask a bit too loudly. She looks up at me and I shake my head. "No, Will. No. A thousand times no." I try to make her understand that it's not what she thinks. I'm not upset that she's interested in a girl. It's the not me part that's hard to take.
But I can't tell her that. I'm thinking all of this when I realize she's up on her feet again and almost out the door. And she's crying even harder now if that's possible.
Slayer speed. I've got it and I used it, somehow managing to block the door just as her hand reached the knob. Then her words hit me like an instant replay.
'I-I thought, at least I hoped, that you could accept. But you can't. Can you?'
And then my response. 'No, Will. No. A thousand times no.'
GOD, I'm an IDIOT!
"I mean yes. YES, I can accept it. No, it doesn't bother me." I blurt out. She looks at me confused and I can see in her eyes that she doesn't believe me. She really thinks I'm abandoning her because she likes a girl? I take a deep breath, trying to think of a way to convince her. Then my mind registers the music still playing, the same song still repeating. I look over at the CD player in disbelief. It's taunting me I think.
You stupid girl.
You stupid girl.
Can't believe you fake it.
Can't believe you fake it.
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TBC??