Reactions and Admissions
by DawnBTVS
Chapter 14
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I was seated in the living room, on the couch, just grieving. I was completely ignoring the world around me. Angel, Buffy, Giles, they all didn't exist in my world that I was lost in. There were no vampires or demons or apocalyptic prophecies. It was just my mother, my father, and I. I smiled to myself; the memories play in my head like a tape deck. Reel after reel, image after image, story after story fulfills my mind of what once was. I had watched Buffy fall asleep. I watched her for a few minutes. She was tossing and turning. I couldn't deal with her guilt though. I still had my guilt and my pain to focus on. I sighed, wondering what went wrong. My happy memories are turning to stone, filled by memories of ignorance. I see another postcard on the fridge door. It reads from Russia, but they are all a blur by then. I never realized how neglectful they were. I shouldn't hate them. This is time to love them, and cherish them right? That's what the movies and the books say. That when you grieve, you remember the deceased for the good but now, all I can remember is the bad. I close my eyes, pretending that my mother cared about my extra curricular activities and that my father was always there to help me with my homework. There's my mother helping me bake cookies for my history class, hugging me, and kissing me. She's full of adoration and love. My father's looking over my awards in Science, proud of my accomplishments. It's gone in an instant though. Angel's now standing next to my father, an evil grin on his face, and I can feel my body turn to stone. My father's dead now, and my mother goes to check on him. I charge at Angel but it's futile, my hand goes right through him. He kills my mother next. I felt myself jerk awake then, not aware that I had even fallen asleep. Joyce is seated across from me. I assume Buffy's still asleep but I have no idea.
"Will I ever be able to love them, Joyce?" I asked, my voice tiny. Joyce sat next to me, and just held me, like my mother never had the time to do. That one gesture made me feel even worse.
"You'll always love your parents, Willow. Although it may not seem that way now, you wouldn't be in this much pain if you didn't," Joyce replied, soothingly. I just rested my head on her shoulder. I wonder if the pain I'm feeling is for them...or for myself. That scares me. What if I don't feel pain for them? What if it's just me being selfish, going all woe is me?
"How did you deal?" I asked. It was a stupid question, since I didn't even know if Joyce had lost anybody, but I needed to feel like I could get over this. Joyce sighed softly, and kissed my head.
"I grieved, for a month. I still went to school, and work, but it was tough. Having Buffy and Hank around made the grieving process a little easier. It never goes away though Willow. We all grieve in our own ways. Some focus completely on it, while others push it away, and focus on life," Joyce said. I lifted my head slightly, trying to make eye contact.
"I want to live life. I want to be strong Willow, go to school, help save the world again, but what if I can't? I-I'll let down Buffy. I don't want to be sullen, mopey Willow. I-I want to be happy, carefree Willow," I whispered, trying to get Joyce to wave a wand and fix me. Joyce smiled sadly.
"You are strong, Willow. Strong is being able to live, after whatever obstacles cross your path. You'll always be strong, even when you're grieving," Joyce answered. I sighed and rested my head on her shoulder again.
"Does it ever get easier?" I asked. I hate feeling this hurt. It's like a tornado went through my body and took everything out.
"It lessens over time. It never disappears though. Strong people make sure it never disappears," Joyce replied. I closed my eyes again. I focused on my childhood, and the way my mother and father showered me with attention that was since forgotten when I reached junior high.