Reactions and Admissions
by DawnBTVS
Chapter 15
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It had been two weeks since Jenny was attacked. She was out of the hospital now. She had suffered a broken leg, and a fractured forearm. We were quiet about it, but I could tell that it was festering in all of us. I never saw her in the hospital. I couldn't handle being there, seeing all the patients dying or maimed. I have seen enough of that amongst my friends and family to last a lifetime. I didn't see the need to remind myself that there were other families suffering like me. That and I don't think I could've handled the jealousy if I saw a kid reunited with their parents. I spent a full week grieving. By the end of the week, I had begun to start envisioning the happier memories. It was a nice change of pace from the hate that I hadn't realized had been festering inside all those years. The nightmares still remained though, and they weren't going to leave anytime soon. They revolved around Angel killing my friends and the ones I loved. I never saw him kill Buffy though. He'd always be on the verge, Buffy staring at me, the loss, begging of forgiveness, and love in her eyes. I always woke up when Angel lowered his head. I like to think I wake up because of hope. Knowing that Buffy doesn't give in and manages to kill Angel. I know why I wake up though. Seeing her taken away from...Angel wouldn't do that. He wouldn't just let her die. He'd change her. That's a greater torture for both of us than either of us dying.
"You ready Will?" Buffy asked, as she peeked her head into the room. I nodded my head. I was going to go on patrol with her. I wanted to start bonding with her again. She let me grieve, which I was grateful for. Sometimes she'd be there when I woke up from a nightmare, other times she'd be sleeping downstairs. I know she's trying to be strong for me. I can tell she doesn't want to show her fear, because she's the Slayer, and Slayers are supposed to be tough and not emotional. I wish she'd let go though. Give me some hope that I wasn't alone in all this. I sighed, and followed my lover out the door.
~~~BTVS~~~
Nothing had popped up yet. Well, a couple vampires had shown up, but they were staked quickly. Buffy wasn't really in the mood to have a lengthy fight it seemed. She was quiet though, as was I. I knew she wanted to talk and I wanted to talk. I was in pain, and I needed to confide in her. I just didn't know how though. How could I tell her what I was going through when she's never gone through something this bad? Okay, that was a selfish shot and I admonish myself. Buffy looked over at me and I just watched her. Finally I gave in, starting the conversation first.
"How's Jenny?" I asked. I hadn't seen her for a while. I think I'd flee if I did see her. The guilt would be too much for me to handle you know? Buffy gave me a smile, but it seemed forced, and not genuine.
"She's healing. Giles has been taking care of her. I think they like each other, though Giles would never admit it to me," Buffy replied. Her smile turned sad. I could tell she was blaming herself. That's it! We can't be grieving, guilt ridden, mopey people. Sunnydale depends on us, even if we aren't known. I grabbed Buffy by the shoulders.
"I'm trying to be strong here, you know? I-I want to help. I'm sick of sitting around, wallowing in pity. I have just cause to, I know. It's a pretty darn big just cause. I can't handle it anymore, Buffy. I feel like I'm dying. Every time I think of them, it all revolves back to Angel, and what he did. I'm becoming depressed, Buffy, and I don't want to be depressed anymore. I know that the pain won't ever go away, and I'm glad it won't because it means I'll always care. I miss being able to laugh and be happy. I feel all alone, Buffy," I said, finally stopping to breathe. I can feel the tears coursing down my cheeks. Buffy just looks at me. I can see her trying to steel herself, stay strong. That just sends me over the edge though. "Stop being strong for me, Buffy! I know you think it's the right thing to do, and I appreciate you trying, but I need to know that there's somebody else that is suffering too. Everybody's being strong, and I feel like I'm the only one who's dying inside. Xander, Cordelia, Jenny, Giles, Joyce, and you are all being strong. I don't need strong! I'm not asking for depressed, mopey people, but I am asking to see pain. When I look at you guys, it's like you've moved on. Like you guys are focused on the future while I'm stuck at the fork, still hurting. I don't want to be left behind," I whispered, my anger turning to sadness. I felt myself crumple to the ground, as sobs wracked my body. I sense Buffy kneel down next to me. She embraced me.
"I'm sorry Willow. I wanted to be strong, you know, because I thought that's what you needed. I didn't mean to hurt you, or make you think I didn't care about your loss. I do care, deeply. If I had known you thought I was diminishing your parents..." Buffy said, and trailed off. I nodded my head, understanding. I don't want her to hurt like me, but it's nice to see that I'm not the only one affected by this.
"I shouldn't have gone off on you Buffy. It's just that, I'm harboring all this pain you know? I don't know how to handle it anymore. I've cried, I've become depressed, and the pain isn't lessening. Why isn't it lessening Buffy? Why can't I move on like everybody else?" I sob. Buffy whispered soothings into my ear as my tears stopped. I looked up at her.
"It hasn't lessened, because you won't let it," called a voice behind me. My veins turn to ice. Buffy glared at the figure behind my back and instantly shot to her feet. I stood up slowly and turned. "You're afraid that if you move on, you'll forget all about your parents. You'll forget all the minor things they did. You'll forget what they looked like, how their voices sounded, and maybe even where they lived. I wasn't so fortunate though. No...I remembered every little fucking detail of my kills. I really wasn't given much choice in the matter though," Angel said. He leaned against a tree, arms crossed over his chest. He'd been watching us. I felt anger, then terror. He's here to taunt us, not fight, and that scares me more than anything. He did something; I can feel it in my bones.
"You want to fight?" Buffy asked. She's thinking with her Slayer side, not with her Buffy side, though really they are one and the same. Angel just smirked. I wanted to slap his smirk off his face.
"You don't get it, Buffy. I'm not here to fight at all. If I were here to fight, I would've attacked when Willow was babbling on about your being strong for her. You always were too strong, Buffy. You never could just let your walls go down. You had to be the strong one, for everybody. You couldn't cry, for fear that your friends would look down on you. I have to leave, unfortunately. Business to attend to and all that, but you might want to check up on Xander. How's Jenny doing by the way? Last I heard, she was somewhat wheelchair bound. Oh, don't worry Buffy. I'm planning on making a visit soon enough. This is fun, really fun, actually but I think it's time we went full tilt now," Angel said, a giggle escaped from his lips. My mind is full of my parents dying again. I feel like I'm cursed now, and I'll never be free of this torment. Angel walked away, not waiting for an answer. Buffy turned her face to me, and I suppose I'm mirroring her reaction. Then again, maybe I'm not, seeing as how my mind is full of dead parents.
"Xander," I whispered. I couldn't take this anymore. My parents, Jenny, and now Xander were all getting hurt. I couldn't stop it either. None of us could. Angel was toying with us, and we can't do a thing.