Switcheroony
by alicorn
Chapter 22
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Finally Tara spoke, mostly to herself and almost in a whisper. "But I see their auras. They m-m-m match," she sighed. "How can I ignore t-t-t hat? Despite what people think... you can't ignore how you feel about someone just because ... others won't approve... others won't understand. Maybe they'll figure that out one day?" She shook her head and sighed sadly, "But it's not like either one of them has realized yet. They may never figure it out. I could be giving up everything for n-n-n no reason, couldn't I?" she questioned herself.
Riley's expression became strange as he realized she was talking about a relationship. His brow furrowed, as he appeared to be running back over the conversation, trying to spot clues that might indicate who she was talking about. He had never seen her with anyone but 'Buffy, Willow and that non-student guy... Oh, and the older English man...' His eyebrows shot up in concern at that last thought.
(Oh yeah, he's in the zone. I feel for the guy. Talk about being out of your depth,) Xander commented, not realizing the actual object of Riley's concern.
(Shh) Giles hissed, torn and wracked with guilt for wanting Tara to voice her fears, to say it out loud so that he wouldn't have to do it himself. But also feeling for Tara as he had grown to like her quiet ways and understated intelligence. He wished her no discomfort or pain, and truly hoped that they were misjudging Riley's reaction.
Tara fell into another momentary silence before adding, "But I'd know. It would be like cheating; stealing happiness that should not be mine but should belong to another; keeping something I should never really have had; that was never really m-m-mine. But Goddess, their auras... They tell me all I really need to know. Any half decent reader of auras could recognize it. Goddess, almost anyone could see it if they only bothered! But people just seem to close their eyes to this kind of love," she exclaimed, her anger and frustration evident.
Riley stared at her for what seemed like an eternity before he bit the bullet and responded, "I'm not quite sure that you feeling that you know something is going to happen means it's actually going to happen. Maybe this is more about your fear of it happening."
"No it isn't. I m-m-mean... okay... I'm scared... of c-c-course I am. I mean I could lose h... Loving someone is about wanting h-h-h happ-happiness, right?" she asked, staring at her glass of water. "And I'm m-m mostly happy. I know I am and I know I could go on being... m-m-mostly happy. It's just that I know I'm not the Ying and that's what I w-w-want to be, what I n-n-need to be. I want more." She looked up at Riley briefly before dropping her eyes again. "You know... Ying and Yang, the natural blending of two souls, two opposites? Well, I know I'm not the Ying and I think I kn-kn-know who is. We... we're like t-t-t two mostly Yangs. Oh, and it's knowing who her Ying should be, who it is, who it h-h-has to b-b-be."
Riley's expressions showed that he was amused by her ramblings but his expression quickly changed as he picked up on the gender that had been mentioned in that last comment. As a thousand thoughts seemed to cross his face, his eyebrows became more mobile than Roger Moore's during his entire incarnation as Bond. Finally his face froze as the pieces fell clearly into place — his eyes grew wide and a slight red tinge grew under his skin. He suddenly sat upright, his relaxed and welcoming posture gone. He simply nodded blankly in response to Tara's last comment, unaware that she wasn't even looking at him.
"I mean I was the foolish one who thought... you know, being the first meant... well, being the first. How stupid was that?" Tara said her anger rising at the unfairness of the situation.
"You... you're... Her? So you think... your..." Riley grappled for the right thing to say, "partner" almost whispering the word in case he had misheard her previous comment, "is cheating?" Seeing the look of anger that suddenly flashed across Tara's face, he quickly retracted "NO... you think ..." His face desperately trying to remember what she had said "You think your... partner could have feelings... for someone else!" he finished, as he finally understood.
Tara nodded, as an unhappy mix of the anger and sadness fought for control of her.
"And you think you know who ... your partner has feelings for? But you're not sure if it's real?" Riley faltered.
Tara again nodded.
"If it isn't ..." he said moving on hesitantly, like a barefoot man walking on broken glass.
"Why can't I be her Ying?" Tara pleaded plaintively, ignoring Riley, talking mostly to herself and the glass of water, dropping all gender avoidance and transposition, seemingly forgetting Riley was even there.
Riley stared intently at Tara as she continued to talk to herself and the glass. His expression partially bemused, he seemed to be fighting some inner confusion. He shook his head slightly, then squinting he stared at Tara again before allowing a slight small stupid smile to cross his face.
(Oh boy, he's just hit oil,) Xander observed, complete understanding in his tone.
(Xander) Giles hissed again.
The smile turned to a smirk leaving no doubt in anyone's mind that Xander was right.
(Oh no!) Buffy exclaimed as all her own fears threatened to engulf her. She wanted to close her eyes, she wanted to spare herself, to spare Willow from seeing some sexuality- challenged Neanderthal use his size twenty-five homophobic feet to stomp on Tara's life choice. To subject her to his fantasy-riddled concepts of what two women together meant. She wanted to stop seeing herself as Tara; to stop hearing the words she knew would come her way from a thousand unsought advisors hell-bent on helping her to be normal. If only they knew.
"She doesn't know... she can't. She'd never do anything that cruel. No, no..." the blonde witch shook her head as she mumbled for a while, her voice below a whisper. "Oh goddess, please don't let her have chosen me knowing... I don't deserve this." The tears flowed again.
In a moment of apparent maturity, more than welcomed by the group observing this vision, Riley wiped the silly grin from his face, as he observed the tear stained face of the woman before him, allowing the gravity of what he had been talking about to sink in.
"After everything... all her... am I... aren't I... c-c-c could I be? S-s-s so left out of her life... the strange looks... awkward silences... unasked questions... chased by a werewolf... " Words failed her.
Riley's face became unreadable until his expression slowly evolved into something akin to a deer caught in the headlights of an eighteen-wheeler.
"Tara?" Riley called, "I have the feeling that I'm... well, I'm... Look, I don't exactly have a great relationship record myself," he pointed out; still sitting well back from the table he had previously been leaning across. He looked like he was ready to cut and run.
(Oh thank heavens,) Buffy said as she realized he'd got over the idiot smirk and mental fantasy attack that seemed to overcome any man the minute you mentioned two women.
"I love her. She w-w-w-would never... no... She c-c-can't know. Because if she knew... that would be evil. I could never forgive...," she declared, falling into silence. "What did you say?" Tara asked foggily as she suddenly realized that Riley had spoken.
"Look it's not like I have anything against... it's just I don't really know how... well I could guess ho..." He shook his head to remove the rest of that sentence. "Not that I've avoided or have any hang ups about... what two people choose to do in the privacy of their own..." he continued to ramble.
(Oh yeah, he's gonna say it,) Xander stated, sadly shaking his head.
"Look, some of the guys I tutor are gay... and that's fine by me. But I don't... I mean... If you thought I was being nice because... not that it would be bad to be... but I'm... I'm straight," Riley explained, his skin becoming paler and paler not to mention sweatier, as he spoke.
(Oh Jeese, he said it!) Xander exclaimed.
Tara looked at him as if he had grown a second head.
"I just think that maybe you need to find someone who... maybe has some experience in this field. You know..."
Tara's face showed that she was unraveling his comments, momentarily leaving her own thoughts. As she stared at him the recognition flew across her face... "Oh!"
"You seem a really nice girl... I mean I like you... I'm just not sure that... if you just think about it... you probably have plenty of friends who could... help. You know, be more understanding. Do a better job than... me," Riley offered.
"Sure. I'm sorry. I just n-n-n needed to unload a little," she responded, her cheeks reddening. "You seemed kind... I mean you w-w-w were kind... to listen. Sorry," Tara said, her shoulders sagging.
"You didn't do anything wrong. I just... I don't think I'm the right person to help you with this. If I was any help at all, but..." he responded apologetically. Standing, the relief at being let off the hook evident in his expression, he smiled at her, "You'll be okay?" he asked, his shoulders stiff and his posture rigid. It was obvious he didn't want to be told that he should stay.
"Yeah. It's okay," Tara replied, her tone flat and her eyes glazed.
Before turning and leaving her alone, Riley offered her another apologetic smile.
(Poor stupid schmuck,) Xander accused, understanding mixing with annoyance at the failure of a fellow male.
(How could he leave her like that?) Willow asked, hardly able to contain her anger.
(I think it's probably best he did. I don't believe that he was helping,) Giles commented sadly.
Willow wanted to scream at the scene before her. Tara was now sitting alone. At a table in a now practically empty café. No one to talk to... because of something she had done.
Lightning seemed to strike the vision as white became all they could see. They all flinched.
(Who the...? What the...? Tara?) Willow questioned, her voice filled with concern.
Buffy struggled to keep her hold of the vision so that as it slowly returned they saw him standing before Tara; a tall man in floor-length robes. Well, at least he looked male. Two horns atop his bald head and a whispy beard appearing from his jaw line, with two Japanese drops, plus the blue demon skin, which left no one with the feeling that his appearance was a good thing.
(Oh no,) Xander exclaimed as he recognized Anya's ex-employer. (That's D'Hoffryn.)
(Who?) Buffy asked, warily studying the ugly-faced tall man as he moved towards Tara.
(Anya's ex-boss. She pointed him out in a book once,) Xander explained.
(Oh great. Just what we need,) Buffy observed.
Tara sat back abruptly in her chair as the demon moved to stand before her. "Wha... w-w-w-what do you want?" she asked nervously.
"You have much anger and pain. Your magic is strong, but your pain — it's like a scream that pierces dimensional walls. We heard your call," he answered.
"I didn't m-m-m mean to..." she apologized, inching away from him.
"Do not fear me, sister. Our intention is not to quash your demon potential — quite the contrary," D'Hoffryn assured her.
"I... p-p-p potential?"
"Come now my dear. You must be aware that all in your family line have the potential that would allow them to join the lower realms. I have noted the pains you take to hide your demon potential; to fit into this realm," he stated, sounding irritated at having to even mention the subject.
"But... I'm g-g-g good... I'm not... you're wrong. I keep t-t-t that in check. No one knows... even she... I've n-n-n never... I would never... " Tara protested.
(She what? She's what?) Willow jumped in.
(Will, calm down. I'm sure it's not the way it sounds,) Buffy offered
"The pain and suffering you wish upon those you love, who have betrayed you, is inspiring. You have the potential to join us in Arash Ma'har," he stated with quiet confidence.
"No! No wishing! T-t-t-there has been no wishing," Tara assured him, a small amount of guilt and fear tarnishing the conviction of her words. "Oh, Goddess. But I didn't mean to! I didn't... I only thought it once," she admitted in a very small voice.
(Noooo!) Willow yelped in anguish. How could she have made sweet, caring Tara think..., let alone wish...? Bad Willow, she chastised herself internally.
"Indeed, you did. And your power brought that one painful thought to my ears. Quite a feat for one so young," D'Hoffryn praised. "You will make a fine vengeance demon. I feel sure that your first act of vengeance will prove very... enlightening. It will be a pleasure to assist you in vanquishing the two who cause you such pain."
"No, please!" Tara begged. "You can't... you d-d-d don't understand... "
"It is not my concern. You are my interest in this matter," he stated dismissively.
"I-I-I don't wish to... offend you. I mean, your offer is v-v-v very kind, but... I do not want you to hurt them," Tara explained emphatically, steeling herself to look at him as he towered above her.
"My dear girl, I heard your thoughts," he said, a patient tone entering his voice.
"That was just a moment's m-m-m madness; a loss of the spatial awareness. But to h-h-h-harm them — NO! They don't know," Tara explained.
"Do you truly expect me to believe that these two souls, so perfectly matched, are ignorant of their linked karmas; of their natural attraction? I have not kept my position for over 200 years by believing that such innocence exists. Mankind is by nature duplicitous," he protested. "If they have fooled you, then perhaps you are not the one I seek."
"But they honestly don't know. They may never know. They're not trying to fool me. If anyone, they're fooling themselves. I see the way they f-f-f fit, the lengths they go to, the things they risk, their choices, their commitment. The unspoken conversations," her eyes saddened as she spoke, "the unconscious looks and glances, the joy at meeting, the d-d-d- discomfort at parting. I've accepted it, but she doesn't know. Neither of them know," Tara finished.
"But she shares your tastes, my dear. Do you believe her so honest that she would not be with another woman?" he asked.
(I didn't, baby,) Willow whispered.
"Not in that way. N-n-n no. She would never... Willow... my Willow would never do that. I know her. I love her. I could never feel this way about her if I didn't believe... if I didn't know that," Tara insisted, fighting back the tears.
"And the other? Do you know her that well also?" he questioned.
"I know her aura, her calling. I know her. I... like her. She's... a... g-g-g good soul. And I know... she hasn't realized... it escapes her. And if she knew..." Tara floundered momentarily, "her own fears and her sense of honor would prevent her..."
"I see," D'Hoffryn said his tone somewhat disappointed. "It seems I have wasted my time."
"I'm sorry... truly... I am. But I only want her to be happy... a-a-a and if that means I have to let her go... if t-t-t that means I have to feel like this..."
"It will, my dear. Be assured of that. Every great sacrifice is painful. To waste such pain... oh well. Here is my talisman, if you ever change your mind." He held the talisman out to Tara who accepted it. "You can just give me a call. "
"Thanks," she said nervously.
D'Hoffryn started to leave but paused and turned to ask, "Are you sure?"
"Willow's in love with B-B-B Buffy... and I c-c-c can't fight that," Tara stated, in a hollow voice.
(Well finally...) Xander exclaimed, losing control of his thoughts.
(Xander) Giles hissed, lashing out to hit him across the top of his head.
(Ha...) Xander protested before realizing his faux pas and shutting up.
(Huh?) was all that Buffy managed, as her mind seemed to explode.
"As I said, the offer will remain open my dear," he offered, his tone sympathetic, as he turned and vanished into the pillar of smoke that had appeared to greet his exit. Leaving Tara alone again...
Willow released the vision rod as if it was a poisonous snake, jumping back from the group. Buffy had lost her already tenuous grip on the vision and, in her numbed state, made no attempt to regain it.
Xander gently removed the rod from Buffy loose grasp, placed it on the floor and turned to Giles. With the slight movement of his head, he indicated that they should leave.
Giles stared momentarily, still annoyed at Xander's outburst, before he realized the wisdom of the young man's suggestion. He nodded and stood to follow, the for once quiet and tactful, Xander back into the shop.
Thanks to Lilly a beta treasure