Switcheroony
by alicorn
Chapter 23
[reviews]
After closing the door to the training room, Xander turned to Giles and said, "I didn't see that coming." Although part of him wanted to listen in on the conversation that would soon occur behind this very door, he resisted and returned his attention to the older man.
"Indeed," Giles commented, recalling the shock, guilt and fear that had crossed Buffy's... no Willow's... what had Xander and Anya called her earlier... Ahh yes... Wiffy's face. "Willow seemed... Hurt?" he questioned, a sadness filling him as he accepted his own guilt at wishing for someone else, anyone but him, to open this subject... to say the words. And Buffy... Bullow?... seemed so lost... upset... helpless... scared.
"Poor Tara. Seems once you fall for Willow, you stay fallen," Xander reflected, briefly remembering his own lapse with the red-haired witch. "Oh boy, is Willow gonna go big on the guilt. She's not good with even thinking she could hurt others. There was a whole six months of remorse and fasting when she found out about what happened to the cute dolphins, tunas and seals when they were caught. Even though she never liked eating fish to begin with," he recalled.
Giles nodded ignoring Xander's attempt at a little [very little] comic relief but accepting the truth of his earlier observation. He moved towards the study table and sat, resting his arms on its surface and losing himself in thought. Past images of Tara, smiling quietly in the corner as the group discussed and planned, filled his mind. He recalled how happy he had been that he never had to engage in post-teen polite conversation with the girl. She always seemed happy just to listen, something he wished the rest of his charges did more often, or even at all.
Xander sat opposite him and waited. He knew that the series of visions they had just endured were going to take more than a nano second to sort out. He watched as Giles took his glasses off, tapped them against the back of his hand and revisited the disturbing succession of visions that they had just witnessed. A half-smile crossed Giles' face as he realized that once again he was taken aback by the intimacies of their lives and how events often led them to share these with each other.
"It would seem that we have an outside party who appears more than a little intent on affecting the natural order of events by distressing the Slayer and those closest to her. However, why is as yet to be determined," Giles absentmindedly commented to no one in particular.
"Kinda got that. The whole lawyer and 'curse within a curse' thing, right? So we're looking for a lawyer. Maybe some old pal of the Mayor's with a grudge?" Xander suggested. "Great! All we want to do is move on but oh nooo - here comes another big snake."
"I'm not sure that anything we have seen would infer another serpentine manifestation. However, there does appear to be a maleficent power at work. So the possibility of a connection to the Mayor should be investigated. Faith appears to have been central to their plan," Giles commented recalling Faith's visit to the law firm and the reappearance of that same lawyer with the shopkeeper that had provided the spell to the dark-haired slayer.
"I hate to be the one to point this out but it doesn't seem that Faith is really part of the whole 'curse within a curse' thingy. I get the feeling there's a mega evil subplot here that has nothing to do with her. And if every B-movie I've ever seen is anything to go by, it means that they are about to attack the intelligent but charming sidekick who figures out what's going on," Xander predicted nervously. "I think we need to call in reinforcements."
"Xander? Indeed, it would seem that Faith might not be responsible for the 'curse within a curse'. The events we have witnessed would lead me to believe that possibly Faith was duped. Merely used as a delivery system. As a way of assuring that the curse, that is their hidden curse, would reach Buffy and Willow. It would seem we have two agendas in play, neither of which I am completely sure we understand," Giles pointed out, as Anya joined them after the last customer had left the shop. "Perhaps we should consider the possibility that when Faith stated that she was sent here by Cordelia and Angel, there may actually have been some grain of truth to her statement."
"You mean you think she was telling the truth?" Xander asked, raising his eyebrows in disbelief. "Oh boy, is that gonna suck."
"Indeed. However I wouldn't go that far just yet. It may be prudent to call LA again," Giles pointed out.
"Great another expensive long-distance phone call," Anya grumbled.
Acknowledging Giles' reservations and ignoring Anya's comment, Xander agreed that the ex-Watcher should call LA, even though his instincts [as well as Faith's earlier secret visit] told him that Giles was probably correct about the dark-haired Slayer. "Cordy did seem... well... close to Faith," Xander affirmed unable to stop his mind from wandering back to the tanning scene.
Anya looked at him oddly.
"Yes, she did. But what really concerns me was Cordelia's reference to a future event that they had to prevent. Angel seemed angered by the vision to which Cordelia referred but he also seemed strangely loathed to become involved, which did concern me. I now believe that was mainly because of his feelings for Buffy. We have to seriously consider that Faith was, indeed, sent in his place. Cordelia seemed to infer it was... woman's work?" Giles pointed out, somewhat relieved that he was talking to Xander and not the girls, who were sure to take offence at this interpretation of events. "And if, as I believe, the purpose of Faith's curse was to assure that Buffy and Willow admit... how they feel, then that would explain Angel's reluctance to be the messenger. However, the choice of Faith as the messenger somewhat puzzles me."
"Yeah, she's not exactly a cupid stereotype." He recalled sensing a brief softness in Faith only once but his own lack of confidence and insecurity had given him no clue as to how to deal with the high walls she put up. He'd watched her defenses go up like lightning at his fumbling, youthful approach the morning-after. He had been unable to bring down her walls and clearly remembered his embarrassing exit. "I mean, I never really saw her as big on the whole true love thing, you know," Xander explained. He could feel the sense of having missed a moment that morning when maybe he could have said something... done something to make a difference with Faith. Maybe if he had ...
Out of the corner of his eye he caught Anya staring at him and a cold splash of reality shook his mind into the here and now.
"Agreed. Faith's past would not lead any of us to believe that her true calling was that of a matchmaker. I believe that there is far more to her motive than meets the eye," Giles stated, replacing his glasses and fixing Xander with a determined stare. "Before Buffy and Willow emerge, we must consider what our next move should be."
"Where are they?" Anya asked, having had enough of quietly listening.
"They had to talk. Something sorta came up during the visions. It's... well... a personal thing that needs discussing. You know, the kind of thing we talk about when we're alone," Xander explained.
"Oh, you mean they're talking about sex," Anya commented with a gleeful grin.
Xander sighed. "No. It's a personal talky thing. About their feelings."
"About time!" Anya exclaimed. "So how did it come up? What did they say? Who said it first? I bet it was Willow."
Ignoring her questions he turned to Giles and agreed, "I'm thinking a call to LA while they're still busy in there is the best way to go."
"Agreed then." Standing Giles moved towards the counter, only to find Xander following him. He halted and placed a hand on Xander's shoulder. "While I do this," he said indicating the phone, "I think you need to talk to Anya before... they emerge." He gave Xander a stern warning look over his glasses.
"Gee thanks," Xander grimaced, turning back to see Anya's eagerly questioning face. Xander prepared himself to tell Anya about the vision quest and what she shouldn't say to the two when they came out of the back room.
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Buffy stared at the floor before her as a strange jelly belly thing seemed to come over her. She shivered as the feeling seemed to be spreading from the pit of her stomach to her extremities and goose bumps climbed up her arms in response. Her mind was numb with shock as she tried to formulate thoughts but none came. Fear stopped her from raising her head to look at Willow. If someone was to ask her how she felt — she would have no response — just a blank stare. She wanted to ask someone else to explain, someone else to order her thoughts, she wanted help but the one person she would normally ask was the one person she couldn't.
'Willow? Tara? Something important was said.' She struggled to reclaim reality; regain control. Her hands lay palms up in her lap. She stared at them, willing movement but even blinking and concentrating didn't help her. Her hands stayed as they were. She had felt like this once before - after that beer episode when she had found small insignificant things distracting.
Willow stared at the brick wall as yet another tear joined the now saturated route down her cheek. 'She knew... Oh god I'm such a bad, bad person. Evil... to do that... But I didn't know... I mean I cared but I didn't know that I CARED. Oh Tara, my dear sweet Tara... I'm so s-sorry,' Willow offered her thoughts up to the world, hoping that someone somewhere would interrupt or take over. She felt as if the whole world knew.
She could feel the eyes of the world looking at her, their expressions saying that they didn't believe her. 'But I didn't know. Not then... not for ages. I mean I cared, but there are many levels to caring. You can easily fool yourself... that it's best friend love but you don't know you're fooling yourself. I can lie to myself quite convincingly. I've done it for years... and I've done it really well... not to say I knew I was doing it. Hello, I had a boyfriend. Oh I'm so bad... bad, bad, bad.' She saw her grandmother, staring over those tortoise shell half-rim reading glasses that she seemed to have glued to her face whenever she used to visit, with that all too familiar look that said "I know you've been up to no good". 'B-b-b-b... but I... '. She had no comeback.
'Tara said that Willow's in love with me!' The memory slammed into Buffy, roughly knocking her back into reality. Her jaw dropped and she finally turned to stare at her Willow. What she saw tore at her heart --- the tear-stained face, the guilt-wracked eyes, and the sorrow. And the thousand and one questions she had ready to ask suddenly dried up in Buffy's mouth.
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Giles dialed LA slowly still formulating what he was going to ask. Hitting the last digit, he turned to see Xander sit down next to Anya. 'Now there's a conversation I'm pleased to be missing,' he thought.
The ring tone began and he waited. After four rings he heard a click and the unmistakable background noise of an answer machine recording. "You have reached Angel Investigations. We help the helpless. No one is available to take your call at the moment. But if you leave your name and number, we will get back to you as soon as possible," Cordelia's recorded voice advised him. He sighed in frustration and waited for the inevitable beep.
"Hello. This is Giles. Cordelia, I need you to ring me as soon as you get this message either at the Magic box or at home. I need to talk to you about Faith. Urgently! Thank you." And with that he replaced the receiver. "I hate those damn things."
Frustrated he turned back to Xander and Anya, only to be confronted by a customer with his purchase in hand. "Is this third or fourth dynasty?" the man asked, pushing a Takani figurine before him.
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Buffy moved slowly towards Willow. She had to know - was Tara right? Fear gripped her and her stomach turned. Her mind raced as she inched towards Willow. Suddenly, the witch glanced towards her. Willow's eyes filled with such sadness that Buffy was immediately lost in the need to ease her pain.
"Will?" she asked with concern.
"Buffy... Oh Goddess... I didn't know," she responded, lost in her thoughts of the pain she had inadvertently caused Tara.
"I know," Buffy responded, reaching out and gently touching Willow's arm. "I know," she said, knowing that she herself had had no clear idea then. She hadn't figured it all out back then. Suddenly feeling as if somehow she was to blame, she withdrew her hand from Willow's arm. She had no right to expect anything. She was partly to blame for the pain Willow now felt... and for the pain Tara had felt then and might still be feeling. If she had only hidden her growing feelings better, Tara would never have known.
"I drove her away, just — just like Oz," Willow stated. "We..."
"No, Will. I don't believe that's true. This wasn't about... pushing her... or him... out. This was about..." Buffy tried to complete the statement but words escaped her.
"But we... we always drive them away. Didn't you see?" Willow questioned, referring to the earlier vision of Cordy and Oz. She desperately wanted to move the conversation away from Tara's last comment.
"Maybe we do... but unintentionally. We're so caught up in each other and what we do. What I do...," she said the last guiltily, angry at herself for once again being the cause of Willow's pain, "We always have been. But I can't believe Tara left just because she... felt that way," she added.
"B-b-b but she said she never felt part of... the gang," Willow said lamely. "I tried. I know I did. But I kept us to myself for so long. I so wanted her to be something that was separate... from... you know... all the badness, the danger. Was I wrong? Did I keep her from it for too long? Did she get the idea that I was... hiding you...us... the scoobies... that part of my life from her?" she babbled.
"No, Will. It's only natural to want to protect those you care for," Buffy stated, knowing that she had done that herself. "I try to do it all the time and you guys rag on me every time I try." she observed.
"I didn't know... I honestly didn't feel... She was wrong... I would never have....Oh Goddess," Willow turned to look away.
"Will... was s-s-s she righ... did you f-feel... do y-you feel... that way about...?" Buffy stumbled and stammered (suddenly somewhat like Tara used to do when the blonde witch was very nervous) but she could wait no longer. 'Why the hell is this so damn hard. What am I afraid of?' she questioned herself, knowing damn well what frightened her. Either possible answer - 'if she says Tara was right, you'll have no idea what to do and if she says Tara was wrong, you'll still have no idea what to do. You're such a mess,' she told herself.
Buffy remembered the day that Willow told her that she was gay and with Tara. She had been totally surprised and happily stunned for a moment until she realized that her secret love was in love with someone else and lost to her. She had lost her façade for a moment but regrouped when Willow became upset.
Willow remembered how freaked out Buffy had been the day she told her that she was gay and with Tara. She had never seen the Slayer so stunned and almost speechless. She had thought that nothing would ever surprise Buffy; that Buffy would always support her no matter what. She suddenly feared that the revelation had been too much for her best friend; that she would pull away from her and that thought hurt terribly. Then Buffy had taken a deep breath and the best friend was back supporting her. But Willow had never forgotten...
Willow became very still. 'Oh Goddess, I can't tell her. Not now... not after... she'll think that was why we... Oh Faith, why now? I could have been honest with her if we hadn't ... But now she'll think... Oh Goddess, what will she think? That I'm some love sick, sex crazed stalker who took advantage of the situation to sleep with her. She'll never believe how hard it was... how painful to love her just that once knowing that it would never happen again.' As she slowly turned to face Buffy, she made a critical decision that pulled at her insides, tearing them from within. "I've always loved you guys. I always will, but... I would never have cheated on her. Never," she responded sidestepping the issue.
"Of course you would never... I... I wasn't suggesting that you would. I ... well, I just wondered why... why Tara would say... ?" Buffy questioned, feeling really stupid for asking.
"I don't know. She probably felt excluded from the Scoobies and... from... from our friendship. You know, we've known each other... umm... so well... long... aah... been through... so much... so close... we... ," Willow responded casting her eyes down, in a glance that Buffy mistook for embarrassment.
"So you've never thought of me... as a possible... like that?" she mumbled.
"You're straight!" Willow exclaimed but seeing the hurt look on Buffy's face she quickly added, "I mean you're gorgeous and sexy and all that... not blind, you know, and if you weren't... you know... and I was looking... I'd totally be checking out your bod... Oh great, now I sound like Xander." Realizing what she had just said Willow blushed, "But you... you're Buffy," she offered as if that statement explained everything. 'Tara, I'm so sorry baby. But I can't,' she silently proclaimed to the heavens and Tara. To Buffy, she explained "I mean you're straight... you've never... I'm not really your type..."
"My type?" Buffy questioned a bit too loudly, unreasonable annoyance manifesting itself in her tone as her eyebrows rose.
Willow panicked for an instant as she tried to figure out what she had said that was so wrong, that had upset Buffy so much. "Female, I'm female..." she pointed out.
"Oh right. Because I Could Never Consider Sleeping With A Woman?" Buffy asked, her sarcasm rising as she began to release her frustration. She was annoyed, knowing that Willow wasn't giving her a direct and honest answer. "What exactly did we do the other night? Exchange knitting patterns?" Buffy asked angrily.
"That... that was... there were reasons... circumstances..." Willow babbled, before falling into a stunned and very confused silence.
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It was amazing how easily the hoping and longing for Willow to utter those three little words had built up within her. If Tara had never voiced her belief, Buffy could have moved on with her life; continue as she had until now. But oh no, now she had the opinion of someone who knew Willow almost as well as she did in many ways and knew her better in the ways she so wanted to. And then there was Faith... God help her, she hated to give the ex-slayer any credit... but... she seemed to know too. How could they both know? And yet Willow — her best friend, the one who had always stood by her, who always had her back and who she believed had always understood her so well — her Willow seemed to have no idea how she felt. Her mind was spinning. She had to say something... do something.
So here she was --- punching the hell out of a bag that was beginning to feel like a brick wall to her non-slayer fists. She was so frustrated by Willow's refusal to admit any impure thoughts, let alone feelings for her.
She wanted to shake her, to force her... 'Oh good God, what am I turning into? One night with her and I go all — "you have to want me". She'll think I've lost it!' Her doubts did nothing to allay her frustration.
"Buffy? I didn't mean to upset you. I just... I never really thought... you know... What with Angel and Parker... that, you know... that women were something..." Willow stumbled to explain her confusion.
"That I could find a woman attractive? You wanted Xander. Then you had Oz. But then you found Tara and you decided... Well so could I! I mean... I never dismissed it. I just ... I never... I didn't do anything about it," she rambled, annoyed at herself for starting this conversation.
"OK. So you were curious. That's natural," Willow said, attempting to understand where Buffy was going with this.
"No! It wasn't like — that!" Buffy responded quickly, recognizing the tone of Willow's comment. Everyone knew Willow's opinion of girls who made it known that they just wanted to experiment while at college but also made it very clear that marriage and kids -- 'the acceptable'—was their real goal. "It isn't like an itch... a need to experiment... or to try it on for size!" Buffy stated angrily. "I know that I could... easily find a woman attractive. I'm not some 'airhead, marry-the-quarterback cheerleader type' thinking about a little experimentation but planning on going back to the norm. Do you see anything normal about my life? I live the least normal life I know of... through choice. I can make choices... I consider options... and I don't like being stuffed into pigeon holes," she finished, realizing that she had begun to raise her voice again.
"OKAY. I get it. No more holes," Willow replied. "I... I mean of the pigeon variety."
"Don't you get it, Will?" Buffy asked, not really expecting a response. "I seem to spend most of my life as either Buffy the daughter or Buffy the Slayer or Buffy the student or Buffy the friend or... I just don't need another label --- Buffy the straight girl. No, I want to be... you know... just me --- Buffy. All and everything that I am... and can be. I thought you, of all people, got that."
Willow felt like a fool. She'd completely missed the point. "I do, Buffy. I do get you, honest. I just... Well, I guess that part of you... I mean, it never really came up... You possibly liking women... just never occurred to me," she finished lamely.
"Well, it seems like it occurred to Tara," Buffy stated, as she stopped hitting the bag and dropping her hands to her sides.
"I guess it did," Willow responded, still lost as to what all of this meant. Her eyes caught the movement of Buffy's hands and looking at them, she saw they were red; the knuckles almost raw. She stepped toward Buffy for the first time since her best friend had started punching the bag and reached for them. "Sometimes I think Tara had exceptional radar. I mean, after all, she did find ME," she commented, as she grasped and raised Buffy's hands before her. Noting the damage done, she threw Buffy a disapproving look.
"It's not so bad. They'll heal," Buffy assured her.
"Not as fast as you're used to. If you're going to inflict harm on that body, please remember it's only a loaner and you're not Slayer-insured at the moment," Willow reminded her. She'd gotten used to having Buffy's strength and physical recuperative ability. Suddenly she considered what a shock and adjustment it must have been for Buffy to be stuck in her normal body.
"Sorry, Will. I forgot," Buffy replied, allowing her senses to briefly enjoy Willow's gentle touch and attention.
"Yeah, well we'd better see to those," Willow responded, moving Buffy towards the ever-present first-aid kit that lived in the far corner of the training room. "I do get you Buffy. You have to know I do. But I don't think I can honestly say, and I am being honest, that I know everything about you. I'm sure that I don't. I probably never will. I don't think you need to know everything about someone to get them, to understand them. I mean we all have secrets, things we keep to ourselves." She paused to open the first-aid kit and search for the iodine and cotton balls. "It seems now that Tara figured out something about you that I just never thought to ask. Maybe I should have known but I didn't. Maybe I should have asked but I thought a big part of getting you, understanding you, being your friend was just accepting. You know? Right now I'm feeling pretty stupid for not asking."
"It's not like I handed out clues," Buffy sighed, feeling silly for lashing out at Willow. This was so not going the way she had expected it to go if they ever got this far. She always pictured a quiet conversation - with Willow understanding everything even before she finished saying it and then falling into each other's embrace. Her beautiful kindhearted best friend had always been so good at knowing what Buffy was thinking or needing almost before she did herself. More than once, their almost mental telepathy had saved the Slayer's life. 'Why wasn't it working now?' Buffy silently pleaded to anyone who would listen.
"Some gay-dar. Do you think I could get a refund?" Willow quipped as she gently worked on Buffy's knuckles. "Is that the real reason you had so much trouble asking me questions or even talking about it when I came out?"
"It was awkward. I didn't know what to say... how to say it. It seemed like... you know... a copycat move to say 'Gee, guess what? I think I like women too.' Plus it wasn't... you know... all sorted out in my head back then," Buffy responded, recalling the shocked realization that had almost drowned her when she had first confronted her feelings; when she had finally realized that the love she felt for Willow was more than the best friend kind of love. "You... it was about you then. Will... and it... well.... it never really came up again," she ended lamely.
"You could have talked to me... then... or maybe later. And now with all this going on, you don't think... oh, I don't know... to mention that you like women too," Willow declared, her annoyance evident as she recalled the nightmare gamut of emotion and guilt she had felt, not just over the past few days but ever since that night when she had told Buffy that she was gay.
"Sorry, Will" Buffy responded, her instincts telling her that now was not the best time to tell Willow the true reason for remaining silent. She couldn't even get Willow to talk about what Tara had said. The last thing she felt brave enough to do was admit her own feelings.
"Do you have any idea how stressed I was about... the switch... the solution... I mean the pressure... expectations... It would have helped, you know. I mean... I felt like I was leading a straight girl... But you... Why didn't you say anything?" Willow asked, her face a study in frustration, hurt and confusion. She felt so hurt even though a small voice told her it wouldn't have mattered.
"I was scared too, Will. It's one thing to think you could be... But if I'd mentioned it... you'd have had expectations and I had nothing, just an idea, a belief... no clue what to say or do... Fixing a body switch... Not a great place to share that... Will, I was scared. What if... what if despite what I believed... I didn't like... or I wasn't any goo..." Buffy rambled suddenly stopping, embarrassingly remembering where they were. She looked over at the door that led to the shop. Giles and Xander were just the other side of that door. "Will, I'm sorry. Okay? What else can I say?" she pleaded, still looking nervously over her shoulder at the door.
Willow followed Buffy's gaze to look at the door to the shop. She looked back at Buffy, let her words sink in and then she turned her gaze to the back door. It took only moments for her to decide that she really didn't want witnesses to this conversation; she didn't want any interruptions. So once she had finished treating and wrapping Buffy's knuckles, Willow moved towards the pommel horse and easily picked it up and moved it - placing it directly behind the door. "That should prevent any interruption," she said turning back to a grateful looking Buffy. "You were just saying something about 'sorry'?"
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"Anya, please. They may not want to share how they feel. That's why you can't ask, no
matter how much you and I may want to... " Xander pleaded, repeating himself for the
third time.
"But Tara's already told them, and you and Giles saw her do that. They know you'll tell me," Anya pointed out.
"No they won't. I don't tell you everything," Xander protested before he could stop himself.
"You keep secrets from me?" Anya accused.
"Yes... I mean... No... I mean..." he sighed in frustration. "Anya, this... well it's a secret that isn't really mine," Xander concluded, feeling like the survivor of a near miss.
"Then why did you tell me? You tell me stuff and then I have to remember which stuff I can let people know I know, which stuff I can tell others, what I can ask, what I can't mention, what I have to remember but never say. It's just not fair. And you're always leaving me out," she added accusingly, quite pleased at the concerned expression that crossed Xander's face.
"It's not like that, Anya. We learned something very personal to both of them. They're probably feeling very vulnerable because of that and... Oh God, I wish I'd kept my mouth shut," Xander said looking towards the ceiling. "I was only telling you what happened so you wouldn't ask them."
"Don't you think they know you're telling me? I'm part of this too, you know? I should know what's going on," Anya insisted.
"Yes, you should. And you do. But there are certain things that while I can tell you, we shouldn't talk about with the others," Xander persisted.
"Like your fantasy about..."
"Exactly," Xander said quickly not really wanting to know what exactly Anya was going to say. He loved that he could talk to her about... well... anything. But there were times he wished she'd have amnesia or, at least, laryngitis.
"Do you tell everyone our secrets?" Anya asked, annoyed by his logic.
Xander threw his head back and laughed, "Anya, you tell everyone our secrets!"
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"Cordelia. Nice to hear your voice," Faith said as she rested her head against the wall.
"Right. Don't suppose you're getting much conversation at the moment," Cordelia commented, aware that Faith really didn't do small talk with strangers, let alone friends. 'When did we become friends?' she wondered.
"You could say that. Mostly I've had big huffiness and accusing looks. But that's five by five... as long as things work out," she responded, a slight hesitation in her voice. She wasn't sure if she should tell Cordelia she had spoken to Xander.
"You hanging around for the 'Thank You'?" Cordelia asked.
"Oh right. Somehow I don't see a big 'Thank You' scene in my future. Nope, I'm hanging on to see the finale - smoochies, hearts and flowers. But you tell anyone and all bets are off, gorgeous."
"I get it. My lips are sealed. No one would believe me anyhow," she laughed. "So how goes the matchmaking?"
"It's like watching two sloths trying to get it together on the natural history channel. Painfully boring," Faith joked. "I've done some pushing and there's now been some... movement."
"What makes you think that?" Cordelia asked.
"Surveillance. They're linked at the hip at the moment. Seems like they've made in-roads, if you know what I mean," Faith giggled, her laughter unmistakably dirty.
"In-roads? What do you mean? Oh! Oh!!" Cordelia jerked with surprise. "Really?"
"Yeah. But I don't think that Red or B did anymore than... you know... go through the motions," Faith said, suddenly embarrassed by a topic that would normally never faze her.
"Well... Really? Well, it should be pretty hard to ignore how they feel about each other after that," Cordelia remarked, her mind awash with images that she found both enticing and inviting. She was very glad that Faith couldn't see her face, as she was damn sure she was flushed.
"Yeah, that's what I figured. Shouldn't be long now," Faith agreed.
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They had fallen into a brief silence once Willow had blocked the door to the shop. Buffy had stared at her newly bandaged hands, as Willow stood waiting for an answer, until her mind inevitably wandered completely forgetting why she was standing there. It was as if they both realized that there was going to be no escaping this conversation and time had frozen in response.
Buffy tried very hard to recall why she was mad with Willow - the tender, loving friend who had yet again seen to her wounds. She couldn't help thinking about the visions and how they had excluded others in the same way they were now excluding Xander and Giles, just like they had... she shook her head realizing that she had forgotten Anya. Guilt reared its head yet again, as she wondered if she'd ever just dismissed Tara like that. She hung her head in shame staring at her feet, wishing she could melt into the floor because she knew very well that she had. She had never felt so worthless of someone's attention and consideration. Tara had thought of her, noticed her, helped her, understood her and sacrificed herself for Willow and her... and yet she had done nothing for this woman. She hadn't even paid her more than passing attention and that had been sprinkled with jealousy, even though she actually liked the girl. Could she really be so unfeeling... so self-centered? Did she treat all of her friends, those that cared for and helped her, so... so... badly wasn't a strong enough word - what would Giles say... without regard or thought to the impact she had on the lives of others...? Had she taken them all for granted... of course she had. Sometimes she just needed to, except, of course, for... Oh God?
Willow really did not want to be here at the Magic Shop right now. Part of her wanted to get away from Giles and Xander, to avoid the inquisition that she knew would follow the vision rod episode; another part of her wanted to get Buffy to herself and another part wanted to run away from all of them including her secret love. Because now she realized that they would have to talk. Panic was setting in. What if Tara was wrong? What if... what if Buffy didn't feel that way about her? What if she wasn't the kind of woman that Buffy... might find attractive? Buffy had only ever treated her as a friend...best friend, for sure, but never anything more. Her mind began computing seven or eight different excuses that Buffy might believe that would explain Tara's belief that she was in love with Buffy, without her having to admit that she really was. Suddenly she decided she would rather face Giles, Xander and even Anya right now.
Buffy felt so foolish as she realized that her outburst had been nothing more than the fear that Tara was right and that her beautiful witch had to know or... how could she... no, she had to know. Raising her head and looking at Willow, who still stood just in front of the horse, Buffy said, "Willow, I'm really sorry. I don't know why I expected you to know... It's just that... well... Tara..." she gulped nervously. "I mean how would she... why would she think...?" She tried to look as calm as she was able to at her dear Willow, holding in all her fears and doubts as she asked, "Why would she think that you were... in love... with me?"
Willow sighed. She had known this question was coming. It had been the most important thought on her mind from the moment Tara had said it and she finally realized what she had to do. She had to stay as close to the truth as possible. She couldn't lie... not completely. Besides she was terrible at lying especially when it came to Buffy. So turning to her best friend, Willow saw the quiet question on her face and smiling weakly before responding, she mentally crossed her fingers and toes and silently prayed 'Please let her believe me'.
"Will?" Buffy nudged.
"Buffy... I've been thinking about that. You know, when you first came to... Sunnydale..." Willow began, having committed to her course, "I ... well that is... I had a... you were so nice and you talked to me. I couldn't see why you wanted to be my friend. I was all big with the study and kinda the poster child for uncoolness... but you didn't seem to mind..." Willow recalled.
"Willow. You were not. You've always been one of the coolest people I know," Buffy interrupted.
Willow ignored the kind comment, wishing Buffy would just listen and not talk. This was hard enough with her just looking... Willow shook her head, trying to regain her thoughts. "Back then... you'd... you'd had the big invite... you know, to join the cool crowd. I mean Cordelia had pretty much given you the pass... you were in. But then you sat... with me..." Willow stumbled, trying to make her point. "You didn't leave when... You... I'd... I only had Xander. I wasn't at all popular... I didn't make friends easily. I didn't know how... I... babbling puts most people off," She smirked self-deprecatingly, suddenly feeling like the awkward, awestruck teenager she had been back then. "When it turned out... after having asked for help with your homework... you... you didn't leave... you didn't just ask for help and leave... like the others... you wanted to ... hang. We became friends... you defended me... you protected me... you saved my life. You were so brave... so kind," she said gazing lovingly into Buffy's eyes, lost in a thousand wishes, her thoughts scattered.
Buffy made a move to speak but the small shake of Willow's head silenced her.
Regaining her thoughts Willow continued, ignoring the blood thumping against her temple as she approached the moment of truth. "It... it wasn't just Xander... who... who had a... a... a c-c-c (gulp)... who had a crush on you..." she faltered, dropping her eyes unable to raise her head she plowed on. "I... I liked you... I know now... I know what it was now. I didn't... then... honestly I didn't, Buffy. It wasn't... you know... all I've gotta jump her bones. Just sorta warm and soft... pleasing... innocent. I didn't know back then that... that two women... well I knew, but I hadn't... I just thought that was how you were meant to feel... about a best friend," she explained, pausing before adding the 'half lie' that she hoped would explain Tara's statement. "Years later I met Tara. It was only then... after I fell in love with... that I realized... I'd had... that once I'd felt... that what I'd felt... that I'd had a crush on you... back then," she finished.
Buffy stared at her friend, unbearable pain filling her heart. She'd heard the past tense of Willow's words that were like a sharp knife to her heart. Then her anger grew at the injustice that once Willow had felt something for her but that now... now... she was the one who felt... and it was too la...
"I guess Tara... picked up on how I... I mean I kept her away from you guys for so long. She was bound to wonder why. Maybe she picked up how... I used to feel," Willow added, feeling as if lighting should strike her.
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Thanks to Lilly a beta Treasure