Switcheroony
by alicorn
Chapter 24
[reviews]
Giles heard a slight 'thump' and turned to look at the door to the training room. He truly hoped that the conversation was going the way he hoped. His mind suddenly filled with images - intimate and somewhat embarrassing. He shook his head, removed his glasses and mentally threw a cold bucket of water over his thoughts. As he did so the door opened and Buffy emerged, looking somewhat crestfallen. He made a move towards her only to be met with her hand raised to ward him off as she continued towards the front of the shop without pausing to acknowledge anyone. Then without a backward glance she opened the door, stepped through and slammed it behind her.
Giles turned with a questioning gaze towards Xander who met his eyes and simply shrugged. They both turned towards the training room door to see a somewhat upset Willow leaning against the doorframe, her eyes fixed on the recently slammed door.
Willow was lost in a thousand thoughts. Buffy hadn't reacted as she had expected. Her words had seemed to accept Willow's explanation but her eyes didn't say the same. Then she had laughed in that awkward and self-conscious way that Willow knew all too well. Willow had expected Buffy to be complimented and relieved but she hadn't expected her to... well... to run away.
"Will? You okay?" Xander asked, as he and Anya moved towards her.
"Yeah," she acknowledged, barely paying any attention to him as her mind frantically searched for a clue as to why Buffy had reacted the way she had. Realizing that he was watching her, she smiled and repeated herself, "Yeah, I'm fine."
"So you guys talked?" he asked curiously.
"Yeah," Willow responded, unsure how to explain what had just happened to her oldest friend. "I... ahh... explained ... you know, how Tara... how she had... misunderstood... been wrong."
"Really? And that obviously went well," Xander commented, looking at the shop door. He couldn't help himself from asking somewhat incredulously, "You told her Tara was wrong?"
"Xander. Not now," Willow snapped. Seeing the wounded and puzzled look on his face she added, "I really don't want to talk about it right now. OK?" She then moved away from him and towards the front of the shop.
"OK," Xander responded. For a moment he thought she was going to run after Buffy. But as she stepped up into the main retail area, she turned left, away from the door and vanished from his view.
"OK?" Anya repeated. "She lies to Buffy and you say 'OK.'"
"Anya, honey, I don't think bashing her over the head with the 'obvious to everyone but you' stick is going to help any. She knows she lied. That's what's eating her up. But it's like... you know... giving up something addictive... a secret. She's spent so long hiding it that... " he stared toward the front of the shop. "She's too scared to let it out."
"Now? Now she's scared? Why? This is a good thing. Doesn't she know it's a good thing? I mean she tells Buffy and the switch is fixed." She looked at Xander in frustration. "In what dimension is getting your own body back as well as finally getting you true love not good?"
"It's complicated. There's also the big fear that Buffy doesn't feel the same," Xander explained.
"Oh, right. They're already orgasm buddies. Of course Buffy feels the same!" Anya stated.
"Anya, sex does not equal love. You know that, right?" Xander asked his frustration evident.
"But... they... I mean how can they not know after... how can you have sex with someone who loves you and not know?" she asked plainly confused. "I mean... you would know if they didn't love you... so you must be able to know when they do. How can you hide that?"
"Easily. I thought stuff like that was what kept you busy for decades," he smirked.
Anya huffed at him and stormed away, leaving him to mull over how Willow had managed to keep her feelings hidden while she and Buffy... However at this point he lost complete control of his mind and entered a world of fantasy as visions unfolded before his now glazed eyes. Otherwise he would have seen Anya heading straight for Willow.
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Buffy just walked but in her mind she was blindly running. Tears welled in the corners of her eyes as she felt her heart being squeezed by the disappointment and unfairness of it all. She had missed the window of opportunity; a window she didn't think could have ever existed. But there had been a window. There had been a moment in time when Willow had thought of her that way and she had missed it. She drew her mind back, trying to see if there had been any clue, any hint. She was so upset that she had missed an obvious opening.
Nothing came into her mind and she felt like such a fool. Was she really so blind? How had she missed that Willow had once felt that way about her? She laughed out loud. "Could my life get more complicated?" she asked the world in general, not really expecting an answer.
"Gee, probably," came the reply in an all too familiar voice that made her tense in anticipation. She turned to see a smirking Faith standing before her.
"Oh, and you'd know just how to do that. This is ALL YOUR FAULT!" she railed at Faith, all her frustration and anger suddenly finding a target. She instinctively took a fighting stance.
"You've got to be joking," Faith said as she noted the change in her posture. A smile crossed her face as she realized that Buffy was working on instinct; that she'd obviously forgotten that she was no longer the slayer at the moment.
"What? You find this funny? You think what I'm going through is amusing?" Buffy demanded as she moved closer. "Let me show you amusing." And with that she turned to launch a kick at Faith's midsection only to find that instead of meeting her target, her leg flailed in mid air. Faith had moved. 'But how?'
"Okay B, you obviously forgot so I'll let that slide," Faith commented, still amused by the actions of the woman before her. "You're not the Slayer any more, at least not for now" she reminded her. "You couldn't kick the broad side of a barn right now, let alone me."
Buffy glared at Faith who was just feet from where she previously stood. She thought she heard quiet pity in her voice and her blood raged even more. Regaining her balance she charged at her nemesis, fists at the ready.
Faith couldn't believe what she was seeing. Bearing down on her was an enraged ex-Slayer. It was Willow's red hair flaming behind her and sparkling green eyes but it was Buffy's rage that they displayed. She froze momentarily but quickly recovered. Instinctively she sidestepped and placed her hands on Buffy's careering shoulders, gently pushing her to the ground.
"Ooomph," Buffy felt like the wind had been knocked out of her as she hit the sidewalk.
"Will you just chill? I'm not here for this," Faith explained, stepping back to give her plenty of room.
"What the hell are you here for? Is there a leather fetish convention I don't know about?" She countered as she picked herself up. An ache in her knee made her wince as she did so. 'Great, another bruise on Willow's body.'
"Hey, so you don't get the message. Don't shoot the messenger, honey. And since when is that my fault?" Faith retorted.
She raised her head to glare at Faith and growled "You're never good news."
"Guess what, B? Turns out that leopards and spots... not that impossible a thing to change. You should try it. Get off that high horse and just admit it - you've forgotten how to be just plain Buffy," Faith pointed out. "Just look at you right now. Your first instinct is to fight, so you give in to it. That's the easy way out. Believe me, I should know. That's what it's like to be us; eager for the battle; hungry for conflict and afraid of the feelings and needs that make us human."
"You're not human! You don't know a damn thing about being human!" Buffy yelled as she lashed out with her right fist, only to have it blocked easily by Faith. "You don't know a damn thing about me." She threw her left, which was again blocked.
"I know more than you realize. You've always kept her close but you never really let her in. Then you watched as..."
"Stop it! Shut up! How dare you... how dare you come here and... Just shut up!" She threw another punch with her right, then left - each easily blocked. At a loss for words, she threw a flurry of punches at Faith as all of her anger and frustration poured from her. Unwanted tears formed in her eyes and seeing them, Faith grabbed her wrists.
"B, just let her in. Then it'll all be over... all taken care of," Faith promised softly.
"It's... It's too late. You're too late," Buffy sobbed as the tears fell.
Faith looked at her dumbstruck. Before her stood the face and figure of Willow but the tear stained eyes clearly belonged to Buffy and they showed such pain, such grief and such anger. 'This isn't working at all. What the hell is wrong with these two?'
"B, I think you... "
"What? Just what do you think? Oh, that I'm so eager to hear the thoughts and advice of a killer. Please, please offer me your wisdom," Buffy spat out. Seeing a momentary hurt on Faith's face filled her with such satisfaction that she kept on going. "You have nothing I want. Nothing!" She stated as she tried to pull herself free from Faith's hold.
"I don't need this," Faith said releasing Buffy's wrists and stepping away from her. "You and your sweetheart both know what the deal is. You must both be from the shallow end of the gene pool not to figure it out. Well, that's not really a huge shock," she laughed.
"Oh, so because you're all psycho brainiac bitch with some sort of evil plan, you get to throw rocks. Well, I don't see you heading for Harvard or some high end corporate job or any job at all. Or did you forget your Lear Jet in the shop? And that Skanky Ho costume must be some new uber trendy rave gear, right?" Buffy taunted, now in full bitch mode. "Can't wait until it hits the shops. I know a few lamebrains who would buy into that look - mostly they're of the 'party all night, can't take the sun' variety."
Faith just smiled at her, part of her saddened to see that even without her Slayer powers, Buffy was still on the attack against her. She feared that she would never be able to break through Buffy's anger and hatred against her. "Chill, B. Fact remains you wanna fight and I don't. Cool though it would be to run rings around you... you're not really in the game right now. Guess I'll have to go see Red if I need to get a real work out," she leered suggestively. "Especially if you're not gonna give her one," she winked provocatively. "We'll talk again... when you're ready to listen." With that she turned her back on Buffy and casually trotted away.
"You stay away from her!" Buffy yelled as she tried to follow. But the pain in her now inflamed knee soon brought her to a halt. At least that's what she told herself. The fact remained that she couldn't have kept up with Faith's slayer stamina and speed even if she hadn't been hurt.
Buffy stood panting in the middle of the road, one hand reaching down to her swelling knee. Staring at the back of Faith as she disappeared into the distance, frustration seemed to be her new best friend. She thought about what a pathetic sight she must be, standing there staring after the woman who had totally screwed up her life... having not been able to do anything to hurt her... having not been able to caused her any pain... having exacted no revenge greater than a bunch of words; not even a few sticks and stones to break some of her bones.
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Willow felt like a horrible human being. She had once again hidden the truth to protect their friendship. And yet again she had somehow hurt Buffy. 'I'm not meant to hurt the one I love, sappy song lyric or not. But it seems to be... well... it's just... well, like a rule. And right now I seem to be extra good at it,' she chastised herself, even though she couldn't quite figure out what she'd done.
Her mind went back Buffy's response to her explanation of Tara's statement. Her best friend had stared at her, blinking several times and said, "Right... sure...ok... that explains why she...umm... right. All cleared up — we're good. You did a good job hiding... I mean I missed it... ok, so... Everything's fine, Will." Then there was that awkward, self-conscious laugh as Willow had moved the pommel horse that barred the door. "Gotta go... need some air..." Buffy had declared as she bolted through the shop and out of the door.
Willow shook her head, trying to remember if she had ever seen Buffy at such as loss for words, unable to complete a sentence. Buffy was usually all about the words, even in the most dangerous situations. Oh yes, there was the time she had told her that she was gay.
Then it suddenly occurred to her, 'Maybe she's freaked because she told me... Oh goddess how did I miss that? She likes women! Well, she thinks she might,' Willow's mind spun at the idea of seeing Buffy with another woman. Her blood boiled, and suddenly panic and anger seemed to invade her very being at the thought. She was so preoccupied with her own thoughts that she didn't hear footsteps or notice Anya's approach.
"So you lied to her?" Anya demanded looking down at Willow, who was sitting with her knees hugged to her chest, resting her head on the end of the counter area.
"Wha..."
"You lied to her?" Anya asked, annoyance obvious in her tone.
"I didn't... exactly... I... It was the truth," she stated defensively.
"Really? Why does everyone treat me like I'm not really here or like I'm an idiot? You all talk as if I don't know what's going on. Well, I do," Anya pointed out. "You seem to forget that I was a vengeance demon."
"I don't see how we could ever forget that," Willow commented sarcastically.
"Over the decades I've avenged thousands of broken hearts... sort of an expert. OK? As it turned out some were more pointless than others. But you... you leave me speechless,"
Anya stated.
"All evidence to the contrary," Willow sniped.
"You really don't seem to care what Buffy needs - do you?" Anya continued her attack ignoring Willow's gibe.
"Hey!" Willow objected, uncurling her legs.
"You're hurting her. Talk about cruel. At least the vamps and demons don't pretend to be her best friend. I can't help thinking that you mean to cause her pain on purpose," Anya stated rather angrily.
This time Willow stood, squaring off with Anya. "Hey! Where do you get off talking to me about causing pain, especially to Buffy? Flayed anyone alive lately? Isn't that what you used to do?"
"It just doesn't make any sense. You had sex for goodness sake," Anya stated, still ignoring the pointed comments and moving in closer until her nose was almost touching Willow's.
"It's complicated," Willow spat. "There's more involved than just having sex." She so did not want to be discussing this with Anya.
"You all say that ... like sex is a dirty word; something to be ashamed of. If it was just sex, you wouldn't all crave it so much. What you hunger for is the closeness of another, of a very special person," Anya explained, clearly annoyed by Willow's inadequate response and obvious inability to understand. "And why do you? Because it's the one place... that closeness... where you can't avoid telling the truth; where you can't be anyone but who you are whether you mean to be or not. You're naked... really naked. If people would just stop trying to hide and bother to really look... It's only then that you can see everything."
Willow stood and for the first time she looked at Anya; really looked. She had never thought the day would come when she would want to crawl inside the head of an ex-demon, especially this one. But for a brief moment she seemed to be making sens....
"You're both so busy hiding who you are and what you need. I mean you and your whole 'I'm a big fat Lesbo Dyke and if you're not then I have no time for you'. You don't let anyone see what else you are other than that. Are you trying to scare the straight women away?" she asked in all seriousness.
"What the... Where the....?" Willow gaped, "You have to be joking."
"Do I look like I'm joking? You use your 'gay pride' flag to intimidate a campus full of straight women who might just be interested in jumping the fence for a night to see if they like it... if they could do so discreetly, quietly. But if she's not out there holding that rainbow banner with you, there's no chance with you, is there?" Anya asked accusingly.
Willow couldn't believe that Xander's girlfriend was talking to her like this.
"But maybe that's how you're planning to keep them away," Anya continued, laughing at Willow as she did. "You're just hiding behind your gay badge of honor."
"I am so not hiding. Hello! Out and proud. I just... I don't have time for women who don't know what they actually want," she responded, feeling her blood rise. 'How could she accuse her of hiding? It had been so hard to come out at first, especially to her friends, the people she cared about — Xander, Giles, Buffy's mom, Dawn and... above all... Buffy. But now she would never hide again. She would never compromise her lifestyle just to make others comfortable.'
"So you'd rather be 'Out and Proud' than find someone you might have to work things out with... help along. You're all 'Look at me. I'm out and special, and if you're not out and special with me — then good bye.' And you'd never be interested in someone who was... oh, I don't know... a little confused about what she wanted," Anya replied with a self-satisfied smile. 'If Tara had played by those rules, you'd still be sulking about Oz.'
The Slayer/Witch was getting angrier at the ex-demon's words. She wanted to find Buffy, not listen to this. So she started to move toward the door but was stopped by the ex-demon.
"But I haven't even seen you with any gay girls since Tara left either, have I?", Anya continued. "Now why is that? Can't you find anyone interesting or is that you want to be alone? What are you afraid of or do you think that no one good enough for you, not even Buffy?"
Willow could feel the hot blood rising to her neckline as she glared at Anya. 'How could she think that I would let anything including my life choice push Buffy away'? "I am not afraid. I do not hide. And I am not any kind of gay snob," Willow said quietly through gritted teeth.
"So what about the other night? Guess you were too busy hiding the other night, or just lost in getting your 'big O' jollies, to take a good look at Buffy... really naked Buffy, body and soul, to read how she moved, to hear the noises she made, to know what she really wanted and needed. Or do you even care ab..."
'Who the hell did Anya think she was? What did she know about her? About Buffy?' "Not everyone is like you, Anya. I've already told you... it's not about just sex," Willow snarled.
"OK. But if that's true, then what's the reason that you won't be honest with ... Ohhh! Of course!" Anya suddenly felt as if a light bulb had gone off in her head, "I never thought you were that devious. You really love being the Slayer, don't you?"
"Anya," Willow threatened.
"What was it? You get tired of being the sidekick, the number two? Is that it? Or is it the power you crave? And now that Buffy's not special anymore, you're not even interested? You must have secretly been so pleased when Faith pulled her little switcheroony on you two," the former demon continued.
"Anya," Willow growled as her eyes narrowed.
"Because you don't seem to be able to give it up, do you? Not even for your best friend, the person who's save your life so many times, for the woman you love... Not even for Buffy," Anya concluded.
Willow lost her grip on clarity as rage overtook her, anger flaring like a volcano, a red haze forming before her eyes and she blew. The next thing she saw was Anya - flying across the shop towards the closed door, arms flaying and a scream starting to build. But before it could escape completely, she landed awkwardly with a resounding thud and a faint crack as her back slammed against the door causing the shop bell to ring in apparent surprise.
"Anya!" both men exclaimed before launching themselves towards her landing site. As they fell to their knees beside Anya, Giles turned and cast Willow such an accusing and deeply disappointed look that it cut to the very core of her anger. As the reality of what she had done washed away the hot blood of her rage, she seemed to shrink in all-consuming shame.
"Oh my go... I didn't... I didn't mean to... Anya... she... I... " she mumbled, not sure what to say. She moved towards Anya who, seeing her coming, involuntarily flinched in anticipation of another attack. Willow froze, shocked by Anya's reaction to her, and fell helplessly to her knees. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to... you shouldn't have said... "
"Willow. I strongly recommend that for the next few minutes you remain silent," Giles growled through clenched teeth, unable to look at her for fear of what he might say.
Hearing the thinly veiled anger in his voice, Willow held her tongue. She watched silently as they questioned and inspected Anya to determine the extent of her injuries. 'I did that. I let the Slayer in me... take over. I couldn't... a red fog... how could she say... I'd never... she pushed me. That's no excuse... ' She had used her borrowed powers in anger. She'd lost control. She'd forgotten and as a result she'd injured Anya. 'How does Buffy control the rage, the anger and the strength? I never imagined how hard it might be for her... to be her. She is such a good person. All I'm good for is hurting people.'
************************BtVS****************************
Willow sat on the floor, a look of despair falling across her borrowed features. Giles stood over Anya as Xander carefully lifted her up onto her feet. The young man, then, gently turned his girlfriend so that he could lift up her top and look at her back. As he did so, Giles saw the deep imprint of the doorknob and inflamed skin, which convinced him would surely mean both internal and external bruising.
Unable to hold his anger in any longer, he turned to glare at Willow. "You very stupid little girl! Do you have any idea what you have done? What you could very well have done? To use slayer strength on a mortal is inexcusable," Giles stormed. "This kind of behavior is what I would have expected from Faith — not you."
"I... I'm sorry," Willow whispered as her heart sank. She hated knowing that she had disappointed Giles. "I don't know where it came from... I'm so sorry. Anya, I'm really sorry," she repeated as the tears of guilt began to form within her apologetic eyes.
"Indeed you should be. As you very well know there are rules..." Giles added, about to remind the Slayer of an often-repeated lecture. However the overwhelming remorse and welling tears he saw in Buffy's face stopped him. 'Oh goodness. This isn't Buffy. It's Willow!' his mind raced to regain its balance. He sighed in frustration. He knew that Willow was probably in the grip of the subliminal rage that many previous watchers had observed in their slayers and she had never been prepared, never trained to be a slayer. But he couldn't let excuses fill this moment. To do so would be far too dangerous right now. "Yes well, I'm sure we all realize that you are dealing with the very new power and urges of a Slayer. But I do not believe that being unfamiliar with the Slayer within can totally excuse such a lapse of control."
Willow nodded and cast her eyes towards Anya, hopeful to at least make eye contact so that she could offer a visual apology, but the ex-demon would not look at her. She felt as if she had become a bully - one of those girls she had feared in kindergarten because they knew how to fight and would take advantage of those who could not.
"I understand that you and Buffy may both be experiencing an extremely emotional and stressful time but that is exactly when control is most important. It is possible that Anya may have been somewhat misguided in her comments but one truth rings through," Giles paused, hesitant to open a conversation that he had so far been successful in avoiding. Although both he and Xander had done nothing to stop the conversation between Anya and Willow, they could do very little to avoid hearing all of it. Dropping his eye contact, he took a shallow breath and said in a voice so quiet that Willow almost didn't hear him. "You lied to Buffy."
"I... I told her the tru..." Willow couldn't finish as she caught the sideways look from Xander.
"It is very possible that you two are destined to be together," Giles commented ignoring her partial statement of denial. "Our visions have led me to what I believe to be a quite justifiable conclusion. When viewed with the translation of the original curse as well as recent events, I think it is only prudent to believe that unless you and Buffy are able to resolve the... various emotional aspects of your relationship... not only will there be dire consequences for mankind... there may well be a dire consequence for Buffy. I feel fairly safe in asserting that Buffy will be put into the kind of danger... that is to say... what I must believe it to be - a grave danger... considering the extreme chance that both Angel and Cordelia chose to undertake in asking Faith to help prevent this possible future occurrence."
"But... you... you think that Faith is here to help?" Willow asked, her face a study in disbelief.
"Unlikely though that may seem, and I grant you that I would be the first to agree that Faith would not have been my first or even sixteenth choice, yes I do believe that all things considered probability dictates that in nearly all of the possible scenarios that I have considered, she is actually here to help," Giles clarified as only he could.
Willow was dumbfounded. Her mouth moved as she desperately attempted to express herself. She very much wanted to question what Giles had said but she couldn't find the words.
Faced with a silent Willow, who seemed to be stuck in goldfish mode as she repeatedly opened and closed her mouth with no sound escaping, Giles decided to reiterate what he considered to be the pertinent and pivotal issue at hand. "At the risk of repeating myself to deaf ears... I... I feel that unless your relationship is resolved, Buffy will be placed in grave danger at a future point in time. Do you understand? There is a distinct possibility... "
"Giles, she heard you the first time," Xander interrupted, somewhat irritated at the older man.
"How can you be certain?" Giles asked, throwing his eyes towards Willow, who still appeared unable to express herself.
"Trust me. That's the face of a Willow unable to resolve the dreadfully possible with her own fear of a wonderfully possible. It was the same when she got her college acceptance letters," Xander explained, through a resigned grin. "Are you sure she needed to... you know... hear about that? Maybe... you know... a bit over the top with the drama... Talk about packing in the Thelma and Louise option. Could you be any more... you know... do this or badness is coming? I thought you were... you know... obscure, subtle English guy."
"Xander whilst I am grateful for your occasionally helpful input, I think the time for discretion has passed. Willow's loss of control just highlights the dangers present in allowing the Slayer power to reside with one who is untrained and not chosen to bear its unique weight," Giles argued. "I accede that to you it may seem somewhat harsh to voice our, as yet unproved theories, but I believe that were I to allow things to continue..." Giles was halted in mid sentence by an ear splitting screech from Anya.
"Eeeeaoooow," Anya bellowed, as Xander inadvertently placed his arm against her midriff to support her. "Are you mad at me too?"
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"I assure you, sir, that there is no possibility of a positive resolution to the matter at hand. Either eventuality allows for an outcome beneficial to our interests," the lawyer confirmed, his concentration evident as he listened intently to the response, the telephone handset grasped firmly to his ear.
His free hand played with a chain, weaving its length between his fingers, as he nodded silently.
"Indeed should they succeed in voiding the curse by the removal of the initial curse, we will have prevented the inclusion of a major player in future events. However should they fail, the inner curse will quickly bring forward events dramatically."
He smiled, his eyes like steel and ice, as he lifted his free hand pulling the chain and it's amulet from the desk to hang before him. "I'm grateful for your guidance in this matter and I trust that I have proved your attention warranted, sir. I trust that when my efforts prove beneficial to the firm and senior partners, that I will be considered valuable within this division," he stated.
Whatever the party on the phone said in response caused him to drop the amulet and cough apprehensively. "Sir, I assure you that is not my intention."
He unwound the chain and quickly pulled out his desk drawer to place the amulet within it. "I quite agree that to allow matters to continue unmonitored would be ill advised. I assure you, sir, that I had considered the possibility that you might wish to intercede," he acquiesced, as small beads of sweat began to form on his upper lip.
"Yes, sir. Immediately, sir. Thank you for your guidance on this... " He suddenly stopped, pulling the phone from his ear, to glare at it in annoyance before placing it back onto its cradle.
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Willow watched as Giles gently moved Anya towards the training room. It seemed that everyone who talked to her today ended up getting hurt in some way or another. 'I'm not handling this well. Geez, that's the understatement of the year. I couldn't handle a door, let alone ... Oh Tara honey, why did you...'
"Willow. I think we need to talk," Xander interrupted her internal conversation, turning his gaze from Giles and Anya. "And I'd much appreciate it if when we do, I could... well... walk away in one piece afterwards."
"Xander!" Willow yelped, hurt by the suggestion that she would harm him.
"Just thought I'd make the suggestion... you know in case... well... you know... you go all big bad and bruisey on me," Xander said.
"Xander?" Willow pleaded.
"Will, I know you're in a way confused place right now. But I need you to understand something. We get it. Okay? So maybe I get it more than Anya does but, if you're honest, she wasn't that far off," Xander assured her. "You're afraid. I understand that you're scared that this is just pushing Buffy to do or say something she won't really mean; Something that she'll regret later, leaving you hurt and heartbroken. I don't think you're giving her enough credit."
Willow couldn't look at him as he voiced her inner most fears. "You have no idea what's going on."
Xander smiled before responding, "Take this, for instance. You don't wanna deal. So you hide? You're so scared that you lash out at someone who tells you what you don't want to hear."
Willow stared at him and, with all the sincerity she could muster, said "I'm sorry. Really I am. I didn't mean to hurt her like that. I forgot. Maybe you should just leave me alone, Xander..."
"No. So you and Buffy aren't imploding?" Xander felt a wry satisfaction as Willow turned to face him in surprise. "It doesn't take a genius. What I can't figure out is how you never saw it coming."
"What? How do you know? How can you understand...? Has Buffy talked to you?" Willow asked, fearful that Xander knew something she didn't.
Xander sighed, "Buffy hasn't told me anything, Will. She didn't have to. It was right in front of my Xander-face. She would do anything for you. Always has. Always will"
"There are limits to what a friend should have to do," Willow stated, a resigned sadness in her voice, as her anger at the situation they were in began to fill her once again.
"So... You just gonna let your chance to be with her get away from you?" Xander challenged.
"It's not my decision to make," Willow exclaimed, frustrated that Xander still didn't seem to get it.
"Geez, Will. Of course it is," He stated so evenly and with such certainty that Willow paused momentarily before replying.
"Well, it's not fair," she stated, all her confusion and fear surfacing. "I didn't ask for this. I was happy to just... It's not fair."
"Were you really happy? Was she? And who cares if it's fair? In the not too distant future, if the G-man is right - which he has a really nasty habit of being - this world as we know it is gonna disappear, explode, do the big nova, closing your opportunity window. Maybe forever... unless you do something to stop it," Xander reminded her.
"What am I supposed to do? Beg her to love me?" Willow challenged him.
"If that's what it takes, why wouldn't you?" he asked in disbelief. "To keep Buffy safe and alive? Yeah! And then there's the whole saving-the-world bonus. What wouldn't you do for her? She'd do anything for you and you know it."
"I not even sure who she is any more... or how... what she thinks of me. I mean I thought she was ... well I learned stuff... things I never knew and it... well... I think it's too late. I mean we... there was... I mean we had to... but there was..." Willow babbled to a complete stop trying to form the thoughts to explain all that had happened in the past few days and how she truly feared she was losing her best friend despite all her efforts to keep things in a safe mode. "Things were so safe," she mumbled.
Xander was stunned that Willow could describe anything having to do with Buffy as safe. "Safe? What is she? A safety belt? A baby?"
"You know what I mean," Willow responded dismissing his annoyance at her choice of words.
"Yeah, I think you meant exactly what you said. I think you took it for granted that Buffy was always gonna be there for you. Available whenever you wanted her company or support but with no demands, no expectations, nothing dangerous, no commitment --- just a friend. The safe option," Xander accused.
Willow turned on him with anger blazing in her eyes. "Look who's talking. Look who has Anya following him around like a lovesick puppy."
"Oh boy, is this so not about me," he commented.
"Is she anything more than a safe bet? 'Cause that would kinda be a surprise," Willow's nostrils flared as she desperately tried to control her new Slayer temper.
Xander retaliated with an ultimatum. "If you don't wanna hear what I have to say, I'll shut up right now."
Willow released the air she had been holding in, "Good. 'Cause I don't." She turned as if to leave, her body language dismissing him.
"I lied," Xander informed her, refusing to let Willow walk away from this. "What I think is -- you got burned with Oz and then Tara. And then all this happens."
"I know the story that is my life, Xander," Willow stated, refusing to turn and face him as she felt the red haze of anger rise within her again. 'Buffy, where are you? I need your help to control this.'
"But you seem to have missed the point. You shut down, Willow. You're afraid to take any risks especially with Buffy," he informed her. Then lowering his voice, as he closed the distance between them and moved behind her, to almost whisper in her ear "Because she's the one and you know she is. That someone who comes along just once in your lifetime and you know she is. Because she can creep into your soul and hang a string of lights around your heart and you know that only she can."
Willow heard the words and her heart ached, filling the void that had earlier burned red with rage. Her legs seemed to shake as she tried to breathe. Xander was too close, too near the truth.
"She's always there for you," he continued quietly. "She's risked everything for you... so many times. And you're about to let your chance with her fly by because you don't like deadlines... taking chances? My god Will, we live on the Hellmouth. Life here is a chance... a risk. But it's one worth taking. Your about to let her slip away, letting her think so much less of you than she ever has. You really think you'll be happy to just wish that she knew the truth. Believing you can never talk about that night."
Willow's eyes began to water as Xander's words finally broke through her defenses as she recalled the longing, the pain and the emptiness.
"If she's not the one... if what she needs from you just isn't there, then let her go. Let the world end. Break your heart and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can tell her that you love her ... I'm talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred love her... if you're ready for that ... and the possibility, the very great possibility that she loves you too... then think about what you could be about to lose."
Willow turned to look at him over her shoulder, the tears in her eyes telling him all he needed to know about the effect his words had had.
"Save her Willow. Save yourself. You know Giles is right... and we both know, even though we're never telling Anya, that she was kinda right too," Xander stated, smiling as he placed his hands on Willow's shoulders to turn her into him and pull her in close for a fierce hug. "Will, secrets... never a good thing... especially from the one you love... especially from Buffy."
Willow allowed herself to be drawn into his arms, suddenly feeling like the little girl she once was, knee scraped and so relieved to have found a friend who didn't seem to find her tears something to run away from.
"Yeah. It's unfair. But I know you, Will. You're far stronger than you believe you are," Xander assured her, resting his chin atop Willow's head as he held his best friend closely. He found it weird to reconcile the fact that this same small shaking frame in his arms; currently contained the power that had so recently sent Anya flying. But as he closed his eyes he recognized the familiar sound of Willow's sobs and tears. "When she realizes what she can gain... how incredibly lucky she is to have you... when she realizes what's at risk for all of us, including herself... "
"NO!!" Willow protested into his chest, unwilling to raise her head. She couldn't risk that Buffy would only declare her love to save the world, or worse to save her or Buffy herself. She felt like such a selfish individual as she tried to voice her fears, between sobs and gulps for air, "I have to know... it has to be... to be because... " Willow whispered, all her insecurity and anxiety flooding forward, only secure in part because she didn't have to look Xander in the eye. "If... if she says she... if she feels this way too... She has to say it because... " Doubt filled her mind, remembering Xander's words. She shook it away. "It has to be because she does feel... not because she has to say she does... I couldn't hear it... I couldn't take it... I couldn't bear... if she knew... oh Xander, it would... How would I ever know? I have to be sure... I have to know. I know it's selfish... I'm probably an evil woman for wanting to know... for not seeming to care about everyone else... because I do care... really I do... but... but to hear her say... but to know she might be... lying??? Please, don't tell her," she begged as she began to tremble, clinging to her Xander as the reality of how badly she had screwed this all up sank in.
"Hey. Easy there, Will. Right now I'm fairly sure Giles would agree we don't need to tell Buffy what we suspect."
Willow let the tears fall as she tried to hide herself, her relief and her fear in Xander's arms. She had a thousand questions, a thousand objections but mostly she had a heartbreaking sadness as she finally realized that she had lied, not to protect Buffy but, selfishly, to protect herself.
**************************BtVS************************
Much thanks to Lilly, a treasure