Switcheroony
by alicorn
Chapter 25
[reviews]
Giles walked into the training room feeling the weight of a thousand misgivings. He knew, that as a Watcher, there were obligations and standards he should try to instill into his new slayer. But before him was a very scared young woman who had just lost her first inner battle with the slayer's powers.
He was unsure exactly how to move forward on that subject as well as the major issue at hand. Right now he would rather be standing in front of his father being lectured or being eaten alive by his maternal great aunt Amelia's constant criticisms than have to consider a conversation with Willow about her feelings for Buffy. Willow had little or no control... 'Ahh, that's it! How obviously appropriate. She needs training in control, mental focus and emotional balance.' He grinned to himself in satisfaction. Now he had a plan, something he knew he could handle, something he knew he could fix.
He had sent Anya to Sunnydale Memorial with Xander, suspecting at least a bruised if not a broken rib. He had attempted to look at her injuries but she had exhausted even his patience, with her constant references to Willow and Buffy, as well as sex and mankind's inability to understand why they craved sex. She had decided that his obvious discomfort at having to look beneath her clothing was nothing but a manifestation of all the pent-up emotions and taboos that mankind had placed between itself and its very real need for closeness to another.
He was sure that for most young males a woman of Anya's obvious enthusiasm and addiction to sexual closeness would seem like a dream come true. Yet he found himself wondering at the price paid for such a woman and in a small corner of his mind, that had no concept of how wrong it was to think such things, he wished it had been Anya's tongue that Willow had bruised or even broken.
Giles wanted to believe that Anya's displeasure and annoyance with mankind was really nothing more than the manifestation of her discomfort at being once again reminded that she was now mortal as well as the inevitable truth that she therefore could have died at Willow's hand. He wanted to believe that since she had long ago lost the experience, understanding and even memory of human frailties - the fear of the possibilities that her own recently rediscovered mortality invited into her mind knew no scale. But the multiple perspectives and sheer conviction of her argument had led him to doubt this.
He reflected quietly on his own manner; well, in public at least. Most women had found his public reserve a challenge or old world charming. This allowed him to display his passionate side only privately. But no one had ever accused him of using it as a defense mechanism.
Now he considered whether his manner might not, indeed, be designed to dismiss women unwilling to take on a challenge; those seeking clarity. Was not his manner, in reality, a less than straightforward way to behave? Giles found himself questioning the rules of behavior, common decency and manner that he had long ago decided to adopt to protect his passionate soul from the harshness of the world after he had discarded Ripper. As Ripper, he had never considered hiding his thoughts, needs, desires...
He looked up from his ponderings to find Willow waiting expectantly before him. Although the body and face was that of Buffy, the stance and eyes told him all he needed to know. Willow was scared, full of self-doubt and remorse. It didn't take a genius to figure out why. Everyone had been talking to her as if she had changed. As if she could suddenly change the rules by which she had chosen to live for so long simply because of her newly acquired slayer powers. Even with her recently self-accepted lifestyle choice Willow, the essential Willow, had not really changed. She had merely assumed an attitude and manner that better sheltered her from the harshness of the world. At the very core she was and always would be the sweet, brave and eager young woman he had first met.
"Giles, I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't mean to... hurt her, to lose control like that," Willow mumbled barely lifting her eyes to meet his.
"Willow, I know that you are truly sorry and for that reason I feel nothing more needs to be said on the subject. Although I somehow doubt Anya will be as accommodating when she returns," Giles commented, a slight smile raising the corners of his mouth. As he looked at Willow, he realized that neither his nor her manner nor appearance really mattered in the 'great scheme of things'. Humanity was about seeing the heart and soul, despite the individual's bearing or appearance. However Anya was partially correct that some members of mankind had stopped bothering to care enough about each other to really look at a person, and that bothered him.
Willow nodded in acceptance of the fact that Anya would return to make her pay big time. She resigned herself to accept her punishment. "Seems only fair," she mumbled.
"Indeed. But setting that matter aside for the time being, I feel we must continue with our normal routine. It is almost four thirty and the sun will set in just over two hours. I intend to accompany you on patrol tonight but in the meantime I feel that some training may be of benefit... specifically in the area of emotional control," Giles suggested.
Willow smiled sheepishly, "Thank you."
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Willow found her left arm was beginning to rebel against the weight it was carrying - her weight. She had been in this handstand position for almost half an hour and the pile of crystals she was supposed to be focusing on seemed to actually be laughing at her.
Giles had been very precise in his instruction over the past two-hour session. She had never been so mentally and physically challenged but she was now exhausted. Years of late night study hadn't prepared her for the strain of focusing your mind on just one thing. She was used to multitasking, looking for patterns, groupings, and associations - not the single line purpose of one act.
She had found her mind wandering, making the single focus almost impossible. Images of Buffy's face filled her mind and the strong desire to go to her beckoned. 'She needs me. I should be with her.' The comments Tara had made... 'had she really meant them? Did she actually believe what she said?' Memories of her kindergarten days and a certain bully snuck into her mind as well. 'Betcha she would've wished she'd have never met me if I'd have had the slayer strength th...' Willow suddenly felt ashamed at her thoughts.
"Concentrate. Focus. Focus," Giles instructed, aware from the slight movements he observed that Willow had become distracted.
Willow had believed that her mental control was good... maybe not perfect but, hey, for sure above average. She had needed it for spell casting. She had needed to focus but, as she was now discovering, that had been mainly an emotional focus, a willing, a wanting, a desire. This was something else - mental and physical - the removal of emotional instincts allowing trained instincts to rule supreme.
Giles had explained that a slayer fought against her natural human and emotional instinct of fight or flight. That to control a battle one had to depend on instinctual training using patterns of concentration and action that only practice could make second nature, allowing her to control the great power and rage that resided within; allowing her to replace her emotional instincts with practiced instincts, as and when needed.
She had discovered a newfound respect for the focus required of a slayer. 'How on earth did Buffy switch from the single layer focus and instinct required of a slayer to the multiple requirements of a normal everyday life.' Okay there was the subliminal awareness of all that surrounds you but that still had only the one purpose - to slay. 'How did she know when joy or sadness could be allowed to surface; when fear or doubt would not be her enemy.'
"Remain focused. Concentrate on the form, its shadow and shape. View the crystals and find yourself within their form," Giles instructed.
Willow mentally shook herself, regaining her focus and casting aside the thoughts that had once again momentarily distracted her. As she drew her mind back to the crystals, their shape and their shadows, she found her vision blurring. The light pinks and blues of the crystals forming a clash of color and shade until finally she thought she saw... a column... no, it was more a shape... it was a figure.
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Faith sat on the wall, casting her eyes over the graveyard before her. It was still bathed in the warm sunlight of late afternoon. The sun would be setting soon and the tranquil landscape before her would change. Its warm tones replaced by the harsh shadows and gray tones of night.
She had tried to talk to Buffy but as usual their history had come between them. Even after all these years she still felt jealous of the senior slayer. She still felt the need to compete, to beat her. 'Why?' she asked herself. What was it that she now needed?
Hadn't she accepted that she had made choices; that she was the only one to blame for the way things had gone? Apparently not. Faith now knew that she wasn't as sorted out as she thought she was. She had come here for resolution, for closure but all that seemed to have happened was the reopening of old wounds. Demands for retribution had been made by the very person she was trying to help.
She tightened her mouth in frustration. "C'mon buddy, it's almost wakey wakey time and I need to royally kick your ass," she stated, staring at the freshly dug grave before her.
She had to release the anger welling up within her. How she had managed to calmly walk away from Buffy still amazed her. She had felt the blood rising, the hunger for a fight growing but she had held it at bay. She had recognized that the confusion and pain behind Buffy's words had nothing to do with her and so she had walked away. From that moment she had felt both pride and frustration building within her, conflicting to such a degree that she almost wanted to laugh at the insanity of the situation.
And so here she sat, a study in contradictions - the regained humanity and the slayer. Each part of her fighting for control. But today, as had been the case for many days now, the 'keeper' was present watching both parts of her, accepting the needs of each and helping her to find the balance. She wished she had known how to achieve the balance long ago.
But now she had found a place in the world. She was no longer disconnected, no longer the outsider. In LA she had a home, friends and... yeah, she really did have a home, a purpose. She smiled as memories of the LA gang filled her mind. She couldn't have explained, not that anyone would have thought to ask, how she had felt on that day when Cordelia had asked her to move in. But she had realized then, on that day, at that moment that she had finally found a home.
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Giles walked towards the graveyard, his charge by his side. Their journey had been in silence since Willow had made it quite clear that she did not want to indulge in light and meaningless conversation. Willow's contented silence had often been his companion during many a late night of research. Unlike Buffy and Xander, she had never felt the need to fill silences with inane chatter. He had always liked the girl very much — her loyalty, intelligence, research ability, bravery — and he had often been particularly grateful for this part of her personality. However today something about her silence unnerved him.
Somehow right now he wished she would talk, wished she would 'natter'. The deafening silence only made it harder for his mind to concentrate on how he was going to begin what he felt he had to say. Strangely he had become used to deep and meaningful thoughts while the lives of these young people practically exploded around him. But this silence was oppressive. He needed her to talk.
"So how are your studies going?" Giles asked, throwing out the first question he could think of.
"Huh?" Willow mumbled. She hadn't really been expecting a question as her mind was totally occupied with preparation for the Slayage and she was all big with the focus.
"Your studies. How are they going?" Giles repeated.
"Umm. Great. I'm behind on a few preparative notes and I have some sub indexing cards outstanding but I'm good," Willow responded on autopilot. Realizing what she had just said, she quickly added "But you don't need to tell anyone about the sub indexing cards."
"Indeed," said Giles, a warm smile pulling at the corners of his mouth at the familiar book-loving "geek" that was and would always be Willow no matter how talented a witch she became. "I'm sure you'll catch up and I can assure you that, as I have no idea what exactly they are, I'm fairly certain that I will never need to refer to them."
"Thanks," Willow said appreciatively, offering a smile to Giles. "I guess I never realized how much of Buffy's time was taken up with her Slayer duties."
"It is true to say that normally a Slayer is allowed no time for a life outside of her calling. That's one of the things that, at first, I had difficulty reconciling myself to. Watcher training didn't really prepare me for a Slayer who had more than Slaying as a priority in her life. But despite my early misgivings, I believe those very choices, although distracting at times, have made Buffy the grounded and balanced woman that she is," he stated unable to hide the pride in his voice. He considered the eagerness to please of the young woman beside him. Had she been under his charge in his early years, he would have tried to mold her to fit the Council's accepted program; quite possibly destroying her in the process.
Willow heard the fatherly pride and realized that Giles was missing Buffy. She, somehow, felt both guilty and inadequate. "I know I'm not... you know, I'm not Buffy... I mean I could never fill her shoes. I know that... I'm sorry..." Willow stumbled.
"No. Willow, that's not what I meant by... You are a wonderful young woman in your own right. You have taken on so much in such a short time. Any watcher would be proud to have you as his charge. What I was trying to say... rather badly it seems... was that it was through Buffy that I learned not to ignore the other needs of ... that to forget that your charge is also a human being is something that no watcher can ever afford to do," Giles responded, suddenly feeling as if he was walking on eggshells. He did want Buffy back. She was a more competent Slayer. Her years of experience had made her a formidable force for good. But having his true wish to return things to normal, when voiced out loud, seemed unnecessarily harsh and selfish in the face of all the hard work Willow had put in.
"Huh?" Willow said, somewhat lost. She tried to see where Giles was heading with his.... 'Ohh!... Oh Noooo'.
"Normally I would simply sit quietly and let the matters that... ", a sudden heat filled Giles, drying his throat and intensifying his sudden desire for a glass of water as he coughed, "... are central to events resolve themselves. But it would seem that should I allow that... they may never be... resolved," he stated, glancing at Willow who was staring directly ahead of her as they approached the graveyard. Taking a deep breath, he continued, "Willow, I have watched you both grow up into the extraordinary women you now are, and I... I think you know that... I have a deep affection for both of you."
Willow couldn't help a slight smile rising at Giles' stilted declaration of fatherly love. She'd heard the words from her parents; the actual "we love you" words, normally thrown over a shoulder as they left on one trip or another something. Having Giles around had often made Willow relieved that her mom wasn't interested in her extra-curricular activities. She hadn't exactly reacted well that one time she had taken an interest during that whole MOO incident which almost got her, Buffy and Amy burned as witches. How Giles felt about her, reserved and understated though it may be, somehow felt more honest than anything she had ever felt from her own parents. "We're fond of you too," she said warmly.
"Yes, well... ahh... hmm... thank you," Giles responded awkwardly. "I know that I don't often interfere in your private lives but... Willow, why do you find it so difficult to admit how you feel about Buffy?"
"I... I... " Willow suddenly wished the ground would open up and... but she never got to finish her wish as a figure threw itself into their path.
"Well hello there sweetheart, isn't he a bit old for you?" the vampire leered.
Willow blushed and anger flamed within her. "He's not... "
"Willow, emotional control," Giles gently reminded her.
"I'm workin' on it," she replied, suddenly feeling very foolish. She'd risen to the bait so quickly. Willow reached within herself to find the core she had created, her calm center.
"So granddad, where'd you pick her up?" the vampire asked, flashing his teeth. "She looks like a tasty little nugget; fit and pert too. I like it when they run; all bouncy if you know what I mean. This is gonna be fun."
Willow resisted the urge to glare as she moved forward, taking up a fighting stance.
The vampire was slightly taken aback when he realized she wasn't going to run. "Honey, I prefer to chase my prey."
"Life's tough. Get used to it," Willow retorted as she moved forward.
Giles stood silent, his attention focused on Willow and her opponent. He felt that familiar butterfly take up residence within the pit of his stomach. Years of watching had never really removed the worry that filled him for his charge on these occasions.
The vampire smiled his toothy smile and tilted his head to one side, "That's okay. I love self service too," he stated as he lunged towards Willow.
Seeing his move telegraphed by his weight distribution, Willow prepared to block his advance by raising her left leg at the last moment as she grabbed his shoulders firmly, bending her right leg to allow the force of his lunge to let her drop onto her back and throw him over her.
Giles smiled at the ease of the movements. Willow had been a fast learner. Her focus was in place. Then something occurred to him - right now she was in control of her emotions. "What were you afraid she would say?" he asked.
Willow half heard Giles but she didn't respond. Regaining her feet she turned to greet the vampire as he too stood up and roared at her. "Gee haven't you told mommy about your new boyfriend?" he asked, moving closer; this time more cautiously.
"I was sure that you would take the opportunity to tell her after what Tara said," Giles commented.
Willow couldn't believe that Giles was trying to continue their conversation. She allowed a small amount of frustration to surface as she forced her open palm into the chest of the approaching vampire, throwing him backwards with such force that he landed at least eighteen feet away. "Tara... She... I couldn't... "
"The guilt just pours of you guys," the vampire noted as he again approached his prey.
"Willow, you have nothing to be afraid of," Giles stated.
"How can you know that?" Willow asked.
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Buffy sat on the floor of their dorm room refusing to acknowledge the existence of their bed and all the memories that it would bring to mind. Staring at Willow's small shelf of Wiccan books, she wished there was some way she could just forget how she was feeling, some way she could just go back in time and make it all right.
The thought that Willow had once felt, if only subconsciously, if only for a moment, attracted to her and that she had missed it was messing with her head big time. Added to that everyone seemed to have an opinion about the two of them. Even Faith. Buffy had never really felt the need to run and hide. Well, okay there was that one time after killing Angel but that was different.
That had been about losing something she had had... to save the world.
This was about wanting something she couldn't have, something that was supposedly a good thing for the world. 'My life really sucks.'
So here she sat alone in their dorm room. While her Willow was out there in the night patrolling, fighting vampires and God knows what else. Willow doing the job she should be doing but couldn't. She felt so useless, so helpless. And her Willow was out there in danger. Giles would be with her. He would help her, protect her. But she should be the one out there, the damned Chosen One who should be out there fighting the vampires and other evil, who should be protecting her beautiful redhead.
If she could get her hands on Faith for doing this she would... she would... Damn it she couldn't do anything! Actually what she seemed to be able to do was put the love of her life in danger... yet again.
Buffy shook her head, trying to clear it. 'OK. I have to deal with this. If Willow is going to be Slayer, I have to find a way to help her.' She remembered how she felt when she used magic against the vamps that were threatening Willow the other day. 'That's how I'll help her, protect her.'
She crawled over to the bookshelf causing her injured knee to complain. As she adjusted her position she caught her knee again and this time the pain reminded her that she needed to treat it. This was Willow's body and she was really racking up the injuries and bruises. She seemed to be causing her Willow nothing but pain and discomfort.
She had seen the look of embarrassment on Willow's face as she had explained Tara's mistake. She had heard the stumbling and babbling that she had long understood to represent 'an uncomfortable and wanting to be elsewhere' Willow. She had been so full of hope. She had almost wished to regain her aspect of the demon; the horns would have been worth it... to know exactly what Willow was thinking.
Anger again raged within her at the cause of all this — Faith. She had gloated; amused at the mess she had created. Gone had been the 'this world's only out to screw me' ex-slayer she had known and in her place had been some 'know it all' bitch who had simply walked away from her.
She made herself stand up and walk towards the cabinet that she had seen Willow remove a first aid kit from more times than she cared to remember. Opening each drawer in turn she searched it until she found an unusually large first aid kit. She thought about all the times that Willow had taken care of her; had tenderly treated all of her injuries. Sometimes, Buffy felt that she didn't mind the painful injuries she often suffered while fighting evil because she knew that her best friend would be there to help her feel better physically and emotionally. The slayer healing would eventually help the physical injuries but only Willow could help her feel human again, like herself again.
Moving towards the bed, she fought to stop the mental images of their night together, that one wonderful, beautiful night. Sadness called at the realization that she would never again know that happiness, that passion, that closeness with her Willow again.
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Willow moved towards the mouthy vampire taking out her stake as she flexed her shoulders in preparation for her attack.
"I wouldn't be a very good watcher if I hadn't noticed how... Buffy... the way she looks at yo... I mean there have been occasions when... it has occurred to me that she might feel more. I know... I mean I think that she has been feeling..." Giles coughed, trying to swallow the sheer awkwardness of this conversation. He really wasn't very good at this. He hated stumbling over his words, especially over something as important as this.
"You're wrong. I mean... sure she kinda loves me. But that's in the whole best friend way, you know. Not the big burning passion kinda way..." Willow stated. "And that's okay. I told Xander... I said I'd..." Willow stopped talking long enough to block the vampires several punches, allowing her instincts to take over as she tried to formulate a valid response.
The sight before him filled Giles with pride as Willow blocked the vampire's attack and centered her balance. He had always had so much respect for her but he found that level rising as he watched her almost play with her opponent; so like Buffy would have done. He could see it coming but the vampire seemed oblivious as Willow raised the level of her attack through her defense and the vampire left his chest more and more vulnerable until... Ash exploded around her as she plunged stake directly into its heart.
Willow stood perfectly still for a moment as the reality of what she had done sank in. She had been so distracted and yet so focused that her instincts had taken over. It had been the easiest slay so far. She hadn't even broken a sweat. She briefly allowed herself to bask in the satisfaction of a job well done, and ever so briefly imagined about how proud of her Buffy would have been, before turning back to Giles. "I've had this conversation already. Xander gave me the big old lecture on the 'she who hesitates is lost' theory. I get it. I get that if I don't take the leap without looking the world ends, bad stuff follows."
"I'm sure you do. I just wanted to assure you that it's not so much a leap as a blind corner. Certain things I can assure you can be predicted," Giles commented as his desire to both stress the gravity of the situation and encourage her fought for primary position. "I know that no matter what happens Buffy will never allow your friendship to change."
"You can't know that. And it will change. Maybe not in the big 'hey we're never going to speak again' type of way. But in that when we go for mochas or dance together, we'll need to define boundaries. Things will change, Giles. Everything does. Look at me. I was a shy, wallflowery bookworm. Well, I still am... that is to say I liked the books and I still do. I did the computer stuff so I was just one of her two sidekicks. The geeky one. But now I have the witch thing. Yeah, things change," Willow declared
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Buffy lay back on the bed, clenching her teeth as the antiseptic brought tears to her eyes. 'Maybe I've just put a bit too much on.' she thought as the stinging refused to go away. She felt sure that it was actually cutting into her very bone. Throwing her hands over her head, she grabbed fists full of pillow and let out a silent scream. 'Oh hell, Willow where are you?'
She couldn't remember the last time she had tended to her own wounds let alone someone else's. Willow had always been there, like some Doogie Howser clone, seeing to all their needs, especially hers. Having opened the oversized first aid kit, she had found a multitude of first aid supplies, most of which were a mystery to her. But the sheer quantity only served to remind her that Willow planned ahead, thought of others, provided care and support to all of them, especially her. She tried to remember a time when Willow had ever been selfish, when she had ever put her own needs before others. She couldn't because there had never been such a time. Pride welled within her; that she knew such a woman, such a giving and caring creature and that this woman was her best friend.
But could they still be friends after last night? Her mind was drawn back to the feel of Willow touching her, caressing her, tasting her, sending her beyond her earth bound existence into new glories and pleasures. Willow had opened her up, like no one else had ever done or would probably ever be able to again. How could they just go on after last night?
The feeling of Willow's body on her, the taste of her lips... 'ohhh god!'
Again she remembered the shock of the next morning's light and the realization that they had been in each other's bodies and still were. And then she had seen it. Then she had seen the sheer panic that filled Willow as that same realization hit her. And then to have this all followed by the vision quest. Buffy couldn't rationalize her need, the hope that had risen within her. She had stood there on the edge of the precipice, only to be pulled back by Willow's denial, her gentle explanation and the deafening silence as she heard her own heart breaking.
How could their friendship ever survive this?
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Giles stared at the young woman before him, almost constantly having to remind himself that this was Willow and not Buffy. The resolute look on the face before him momentarily distracted him from who he knew her to be. "Absolutely. Of course, I agree. All things change and maybe now is just the time for a new change, for possibly the biggest and most important change in both of your young lives. You have to take the chance."
"Well it's not fair. Why... why do I have to be the one to... why can't she...? Hello, I'm not the one with the hero gene. Buffy's used to facing danger, facing failure... taking chances. I'm more the academic back up. You know... just part of the supporting cast," Willow's frustration at being placed in this position was more than apparent.
"My dear girl, you have never been just supporting cast," Giles responded as he smiled at her. "You have been central to all our lives - to mine, to Xander's but most importantly you've always been essential to Buffy." Giles lowered his eyes, as he felt the blush beginning to rise within his cheeks, "I realize that considering all that you two went through... had to try... the other night... (cough) may have only helped to make things more... awkward between you... "
"You can't imagine," Willow declared, as she put her stake back into her coat pocket and turned to continue their patrol.
"I really would prefer not to. But, and trust me when I say that agreeing in any part with Anya pains me more than you can know, but no two people who feel as you two do about each other... who have been through so much together... can go through something so... (gulp) personal and not end up revealing something of their... of themselves," Giles stammered. He had never felt so awkward and unsure of himself.
"Yeah, that's kinda what Anya said," Willow remarked. She remembered briefly thinking that for once the ex-demon had actually made sense. Last night she had known Buffy in a way that... oh goddess, heat again began to fill her cheeks as she recalled last night.
"However Anya seems to have used a somewhat more confrontational style than I would have chosen. But... did you notice... maybe only subconsciously... that there was something in the way that... that Buffy was... " Words dried up as Giles realized that he couldn't, he didn't know how to explain, let alone ask what he needed to ask.
Willow turned sharply to glare at Giles, "Okay, we are most definitely not having this conversation! Way too freaky," she growled through gritted teeth.
"So it would seem. But just who are you going to have this talk with?" Giles asked.
"No one. I don't need to talk about... it's too personal. You have no right to... you can't really expect me to talk about... " she clenched her fists as the anger began to rise. She breathed deeply, trying to center herself.
"I don't mean to... Believe me when I say that having to have this conversation... is more disturbing for me than you could possibly realize. But I have an obligation to... to help. Willow, you need to take a step back and look at what's happened. You need to view events with dispassionate eyes, with somewhat less emotional eyes," Giles stated, being careful to keep a safe distance between himself and the now somewhat emotionally overwrought young woman before him. "You need to exercise the emotional control we practiced earlier. You need to stop letting fear and emotion control your actions."
Losing her temper and control of her center she snapped, "Really? Life techniques from the Watcher with the full and well-rounded personal life? How can a girl refuse?" Willow asked sarcastically. Immediately regretting her outburst, she said "Sorry."
"Willow, you have a keen analytical mind. What amazes me is that you only ever choose to use it academically," he said. "Maybe it's time you started to use it in your personal life."
She looked at him as if he had just grown horns. "You want me to look at Buffy like a chem experiment? How can you... why would that..."
"Willow, you're so caught up in how you feel about... about Buffy and how she will react to you when she finds out, that you can't see her. You don't seem able to see outside yourself," Giles pointed out.
"Oh great. Another 'you're so big and selfish' speech. Just what I need right now," Willow responded, her anger beginning to rise yet again. She felt the need to go, to run, because she was becoming sure that if she stayed much longer Giles was going to be the next victim of her rage.
"Willow, I really am not trying to anger you. I'm just trying to get you to step back and take a really good look at how Buffy has behaved lately," Giles pointed out, very aware of how Willow's breathing seemed to have quickened.
"Just so you know, anger is kinda winning right now. Where's supportive Watcher guy, big with the cleaning of the glasses whenever we talk about our private lives?" she asked.
"If you must know, cowering in a corner wondering what the devil I think I'm doing," Giles responded.
"Well I'd like him to come back. Please," Willow requested.
Giles sighed and took a deep breath, "Much as I'd like to return to my usual non-commentary role, in respect to your personal lives, this is far too important an issue for me to do so. Willow you have known Buffy... in a way that should have... that should have provided you with an insight into how she feels. And yet despite that, despite last night you... you do not appear to have come to the same conclusions as others who are close to the two of you. I would be a fool not to tell you that this worries me and the only explanation I am able to come to is that you are letting your own feelings and fears obscure your vision."
Willow stared at him in wonder and shock. He wasn't going to let the subject go. She turned her back to continue their patrol, which would hopefully give her time to think.
"I understand how you may find it difficult to look beyond your emotions... your feelings for... your memories of the night... with... Buffy," Giles stumbled as unwanted and disturbing images filled his mind.
"You think?" Willow grumbled.
"You also seem to be denying even the existence of your own feelings. I strongly believe that Tara was correct," Giles acknowledged, in as firm a tone as he could. "Yet you choose to deny not just to yourself but to Buffy as well, that she may have been correct. I find it quite astonishing..."
"Giles! This really is none of your business," Willow snapped.
"The end of the world as we know it. A viable threat to the Slayer. None of this is my business? Young woman, you really couldn't be more wrong," Giles stated, staring at Willow's back over the rim of his spectacles.
Willow couldn't hold it in any longer. She turned and, glaring at Giles, exploded "Oh right that's your thing isn't it? Saving the world. Well really, it's more like you watching from the sidelines while Buffy puts her life on the line and does the dirty work over and over again. And now... now you expect me to just take over, put myself on the line. So tell me - is the view good from the cheap seats?" Willow yelled. "You're wrong... Buffy and I don't have a future. How could we? I'm gay and she's straight. All you guys keep seeing is a way to save your world. You really don't care about us. The curse requires that we... So you guys want to see us that way. But trust me... I know. No matter how much you may want something to be a certain way... Wanting doesn't make it so."
She glared at a momentarily silenced Giles before deciding that it was time for her exit. "You know your way home right?" she asked sarcastically, before turning and running with all her newfound Slayer strength towards the college campus.
Giles stood dumbfounded, his mouth hanging open. Willow had run away from him. She had yelled at him, told him off and then run away.
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Willow stood outside of their door for what seemed like an eternity. She had never really looked at their door, not that it was any different from any other door on that floor. But behind this door — much awkwardness and weirdness resided. Buffy was in there. Willow could hear her moving around inside. She decided that slayer hearing was really cool, except for that very disturbing conversation between Charmers and his mother that she had overheard on her way here.
She reached for the handle before pausing again to collect herself. What was she going to say? What was Buffy going to say? Why had she run away from Giles? A thousand answers for all her questions rattled through her brain. Vainly she tried to push them all to the back of her mind when suddenly a distressed moan from behind the door caught her attention. 'Buffy'. She turned the handle and pushed the door open, prepared to see Buffy under attack.
However, the sight that greeted her was one straight out of a cheap sitcom. Buffy was standing on top of their waist high chest of drawers with one leg raised and bent so that her knee was outside their window as she poured a bottle of water over it. Hearing the door open, Buffy quickly turned and her other leg twisted and gave way as she lost her balance. An arc of water flew from the bottle as Buffy toppled backwards towards the floor. She landed on the open first aid kit with a resounding thump and "Oooomph," which only served to emphasize how much the impact of her landing must have hurt.
"Buffy!" Willow shot across the room to Buffy's side, all of her protective instincts coming through, only to find Buffy's face beginning to contort. "Buffy!"
The face before her seemed to move through many unfamiliar expressions before she heard the unmistakable sounds of laughter. Eyes filled with self-deprecating humor met hers. "Willow to the rescue," Buffy giggled as Willow reached down to her.
"At your service my lady," Willow responded in a mock gentlemanly manner, tilting her head in reverence, which just seemed to increase Buffy's giggling. Willow liked the sound of her best friend's laughter. It had been far too long since she had heard laughter, let alone felt like joining in.
While fighting the urge to laugh, Willow carefully tried to find some part of Buffy's body that she could take hold of to help lift her back to her feet but it seemed as if the very thought of touching Buffy was sending her mind into sensory over drive. 'I'm a bad, bad person. My best friend is lying hurt and all I can think about is how wonderful touching her would be. I'm a bad, bad, evil person.' All thoughts of laughter left her.
Finally gripping Buffy's forearms she pulled the ex-slayer up, shifting her grasp to Buffy's waist as she rose to her feet. Buffy felt her knee begin to give way and instinctively she held onto Willow's shoulders to steady herself. Finding her balance, she looked forward to find herself just mere inches from Willow's face. The closeness stopped her laughter and in its place a heavy silence and stillness overcame them.
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Giles couldn't quite believe that Willow had run away from him. He had known that talking to her would be hard but the sheer denial and fear prevalent in her responses had prevented him from really getting out all he had wanted to say and what he had managed to say had been twisted or ignored by his young charge. When had conversation become the clashing battle of two languages, his and theirs? He often felt that he was in some strange world where he knew that he was speaking English and that the language he could hear others speaking sounded like English. But time and experience had proved that although the words appeared the same, these young people had apparently been tutored from a dictionary with a multitude of new meanings to which he was not privy.
He pondered his failures, wondering if his own father had found it just as hard to talk to him when he was younger and riddled with youthful hormones. He smiled slightly remembering how he thought his father's generation was stuffy, square and generally lacking in understanding when it came to what he wanted from life.
As he moved through the graveyard back towards the magic box and his car, he heard an all too familiar noise — battle. Had Willow come across another vampire? He moved slowly towards the noise, fearful that without him there to help center her, Willow would allow her emotions to affect her recently acquired fighting abilities.
As he watched from behind a mausoleum, he was forced to blink to check that his eyes weren't lying to him. There, not ten feet from him, was Faith being attacked by two vampires, both fresh from the ground if the soil falling from their clothing and the fashions evident in their attire were any indication. He shook his head as he realized that Buffy's obsession with clothing and fashion had invaded his observation skills.
Faith appeared to be toying with the vampires, drawing them in, dodging, weaving and laughing at their attempts to capture her. She was more than a match for two newbies and yet she continually allowed them to regroup and attack, stalling their inevitable end. 'Some things never change,' he thought. 'Faith still enjoys the fight just as much as the kill.' A part of him felt a familiar disappointment. He had held out such hope for Faith when she had first joined them. But then the story behind her arrival had caused him worry, followed by her brash sexual innuendo, her overly-arrogant attitude and concluded by her... 'walk to the dark side' in the company of the Mayor. How had so much disappointment come from one with so much potential?
But then he began to evaluate her performance with a Watcher's eyes. Good balance, anticipation, awareness of her surroundings, accuracy he concluded before taking in her overall approach - over confidence, reliance on strength, poor emotional focus. Then he saw it, or rather he didn't it. Where was the arrogance? the anger? the... flashiness? This was something new... Faith wasn't fighting with the same lust for life and death he was used to seeing from her. She was playing with the vampires but she wasn't taking the risks he had seen her take a thousand times before. He had been wrong. She wasn't just playing - she was venting. He'd seen Buffy do it more times than he could count. These vampires were paying for something. They were her release for something else that had occurred.
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Buffy stared at the collar bone of her best friend afraid to raise her eyes, as she experienced distinct sparkage. They hadn't been this close since last night. In fact she hadn't touched Willow since they were at Giles' when she had jerked away from her best friend. She felt a strange emptiness in the pit of her stomach and a light headedness that made coherent thought formation impossible.
She didn't want to move, to break contact. Buffy allowed herself to soak in the feeling of Willows hands on her hips. The urge to move her hands from Willow's shoulders to her neck and draw those enticing lips towards her filled her mind. But she feared that any movement would end this moment, shattering it and returning her to reality. So she kept perfectly still.
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Faith tried to allow all her frustration and anger to release but these newbies really weren't much of a challenge. She kept the fight going for as long as she could before annoyance took over and almost simultaneously she ended it, dusting them with two well placed stakes. As she watched the night wind disperse their dust she thought she heard a sigh.
Refocusing her attention, she glanced around her, hoping that a more challenging opponent would present itself. But instead the form and face of the Watcher slowly rose from behind a low bush. "Faith."
"Giles. Still with the watching, huh?" she asked, slightly unnerved that she hadn't realized that he had been observing her. "Lose your new slayer already?" she commented looking around to see if Red would emerge. She didn't really fancy the idea of taking her on. As far as she was concerned, 'Hell had no fury like a ticked-off witch'.
Giles faltered for a moment, realizing that once Willow had run off he actually had in effect lost her. "Why are you here?"
"Ahhh, the sixty four thousand dollar question," grinned Faith, leaning back on a gravestone. " And why do you think I'm here?"
"Well at first glance, I'd have to say that you were here to slay. But having watched your... umm... battle, I'd have to correct that assumption by adding, to release your demons," Giles commented as he slowly moved from behind the bush, knowing that it offered him little or no protection should the ex-slayer choose to attack him. Although the open ground would at least give him room in which to maneuver.
"Yeah, definitely up with releasing the demon... from this world anyway. So what can I do you for? I'm all outta teabags but I think the corner store is still open," Faith responded, not moving an inch either towards or away from him. She didn't want to scare him off. This could prove to be a lucky break.
"Thank you. You must be staying near by to have taken note of the opening hours of our local convenience stores. I hope you've found somewhere with a good view?" Giles queried.
"You could say that," Faith responded with a smile, "The Council really lost a Watcher 007 stud when they let you go, didn't they?" she added sincerely.
Gils smiled. He had never really been a James Bond fan but he found the comparison somewhat of an ego boost. "Kind of you to say." Having reached open ground, some six feet from Faith, Giles stopped and stood still. He wanted a chance to talk to Faith and definitely did not want to take the chance of causing another young woman, let alone another slayer, to run away from him. Faith could have the answers he needed. "Faith I would appreciate being able to ask you some, well, rather important questions."
"Fire away," Faith responded, although she was a little unsure exactly how much she should give away if anything. But she was tired of hiding, of knowing that just about everyone she was trying to help thought of her as the enemy. The idea of a few civilized words from one of that group was somehow more pleasing a thought than she could have imagined it would be. 'Just when did I begin to care what others think of me?' she wondered.
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Willow stood transfixed. She could hear both of their hearts. The beats quickening and leveling off as their breathing caught up. She didn't want to let go. She had Buffy close, so very close. She could almost feel her breath against the bare skin of her ... 'oh my god she's looking at my... no not looking. Why would Buffy be looking at...? Where else can she look? It's just the way her head's hanging.'
The thought of Buffy staring down her cleavage made her swallow as she felt a familiar heat rise within her. 'It's because I'm not moving. I mean if I moved, if I just let her go... but she feels so good. I like holding... there's nothing wrong with just looking. I'm looking... '
Willow then realized that she was, in fact, staring... staring at Buffy's right ear. 'Why on earth am I looking at her ear? Great, now I have an ear fetish! My life's not complicated enough with the whole recently gay; crush on my straight or maybe not so straight best friend; only six weeks to my mid term exams; body-switched slayer fill-in duties and dealing with a curse that might end the world. I get a new kinky fixation — ears?' She was unable to drag her eyes from the ear. 'Ears. I mean they're for hearing. Okay, there can be nibbling, occasional licking... Yuck, I'm... yuck, how can I be... This is not the time or the place to be thinking of licking, of tasting, of nibbling...' And so the inner babbling continued.
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Much Thanks to Lilly a beta Treasure