Starting Line
by Rin
9
[reviews]
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Buffy stayed every night at home for two weeks. She wanted to give Willow enough time to settle into them being apart for awhile. Now, all the blonde did was cry at night. Crying for being so torn, so in love with somebody that was off limits. Crying for her friend. Crying for her failed attempts at getting over Willow. There was nothing she could do but cry, and cling to her pillow at night.
Willow didn't fare much better. She cried every night, for the same reasons, except she also cried because she missed the familiar warmth of Buffy across from the room in the other bed. She cried because she couldn't love Fred like she loved Buffy, no matter how much she wanted or tried. Fred had even noticed a slight depression in the girl when she'd visited over the Thanksgiving holiday. Willow wasn't as receptive as usual, and unusually quiet. It just wasn't a Willowy thing to do, and she was extremely worried for her girlfriend. Sure, there were hott kisses, some hotter than others, some struggling, some absent...but nothing beyond heavy petting. Fred was patient, knew that the redhead had issues with her body but she wanted to let the girl know how much she adored her body.
Xander, well...he was too busy wrapped up in Anya to pay much attention to the things around him. Joyce noticed, though...it was odd for her daughter to stay at home so much, and not talk to Willow? She wanted those two to resolve whatever fight they were having this week. It was unhealthy to avoid, so she devised a plan.
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"Um...hey. Your mom called me." Willow stood in the doorway, staring at Buffy. The blonde looked thinner than normal, even if she still did look delicious. She smelled yummy, too...obviously bathed for Joyce's dinner party. However, she had opted for loose clothes, baggy...shirts and skirts that wouldn't show off cleavage or be any more tempting. They both had.
"Oh...nobody's here yet. Not even Mom. I guess she's picking up take-out." Buffy swallowed hard. She knew the redhead would come to dinner but she didn't expect to be alone in the house with her. It was still two hours before her mom even got home. "Come in...if you want."
"I'm sorry I'm so late. I just...I couldn't decide what...what I should wear." Willow smiled sheepishly, and bit her lip, trying not to stare at Buffy's UCSD shirt, or her long curly blonde locks pulled back into the headband.
"Late? You're uber early." Buffy shut the door behind the girl before realizing they were set up. "...and I just figured out that my mother probably did this on purpose."
"What do you mean?" Willow held her hands in front of her, grasping them for added distraction. Alone? In a house with Buffy?
"For a genius, you're sometimes slow on the uptake." Buffy smirked slightly before sighing. "Mom's not due home for another two hours."
"Oh...but she said..." Willow stopped fidgeting long enough to understand what happened. "You don't think she...no...she's not..."
"No, nothing like that. She probably thinks we're just fighting. She has no idea anything...about us." Buffy swallowed hard, trying not to stare at Willow's long-sleeved green tshirt. "At least I don't think...I mean she knows you and Fred...I mean..."
"It's okay, Buff. I get it. You're right. Your mom probably doesn't know...about us." Willow swallowed hard before inching her way to the door. The only problem was that Buffy was still standing in front of it.
"Don't go." She said it so quiet but it was the loudest two words ever said between them. "Please."
"I don't want to...but we both know what happens if I stay." Willow stared at the floor in front of Buffy's shoes.
"We can do this. I can't lose you; that's all I'm sure of anymore. That no matter what, I can't lose you." Buffy's pleading voice was all she needed to quell the redhead's worries. It was true. They couldn't lose each other. "Would you like something to drink?"
"Sure." Willow followed the blonde into the kitchen, and they stood at opposite sides of the kitchen island, leaning across it, and drinking their Buffy specials. They laughed and giggled, talking about safe topics, ignoring the heat and flirtation in their voices. As long as they weren't touching, they were safe.
Two hours passed, and Joyce phoned, saying she was going to dinner with the girls, apologizing for the deception. Buffy assured her that it was okay, that they were okay. It was decided the two would grab a pizza and a movie out on the town. The pizza was easy but the dark movie theatre proved difficult. Halfway through, Buffy felt Willow entertwine their fingers before running her thumb across the blonde's palm. They had done so well...
They walked home to the dorm, still holding hands, afraid that if they separated, the magick would be lost.
"I've missed you...ya know...having you here. It's...well, it's lonely without you." Willow swallowed hard before kicking off her shoes. "I'm glad we could get through a night, and...and nothing happened."
"Me, too." Neither girl meant it. Buffy started to settle in for the night, glad to see her old dorm bed. She'd been lonely, too. They were settling on their separate beds, getting ready to watch their rented movies when the blonde had to ask the difficult questions. If they were going to get past this, then they would have to ask the difficult questions. "Why..." She had to clear her throat, which prompted Willow to pause the movie. "Why won't you break up with Fred? Do...do you, um...do you think you wouldn't be happy with me? That I wouldn't be a good girlfriend?"
"Wow...hit me with the heavy stuff." Willow's eyes were wide before she closed them tight. She knew they had to tackle the big issues if they were going to get past the problem.
"You don't have to answer. I just...well..." Buffy swallowed hard again. Seemed she'd been doing that a lot lately.
"No...no...it's okay. I should...answer. I just...well..." Willow crawled from underneath her blanket, and sat at the end of Buffy's bed, still away from her. "I honestly don't know the answer myself."
They were both quiet for several moments, contemplating the meanings behind the confession.
"I love you, Buffy. I love you sooo much...and it's easy with you. I think..." Willow started to watch her hands playing with the comforter. "I think that I'm afraid of sex, and it's so easy to fall into you that...I don't know...I'm not ready for it but I know I'd jump in without taking a breath first. With Fred, I can hold back because it's not as urgent or needy. I mean...I want...but...not as much. Does that make any sense? Do you get what I'm saying at all?"
Buffy just nodded, biting her lip, willing herself to be in best friend mode.
"What..." She had to clear her throat. The images of Willow beneath her were distracting. "What scares you about it?"
"That...I don't know...that I would get so hooked on it...or that I would depend on it. I don't know, I'm not making any sense." Willow shook her head to clear her thoughts. It was so much easier to talk to Buffy about everything. "I'm afraid that...I won't be good enough."
"That's impossible, Wills. Fred loves you...and...and..." Buffy took another deep breath to calm her nerves. "I know that it would be beautiful because it would be you. It's not like anybody is great the first time. It's all nerves, and second guesses, and... Willow, no matter if it was the worst sex known to humankind, it would be the most amazing thing that ever happened...because it's you."
"You really think so?" Willow's eyes were teary...and maybe a little lustier than she meant. Buffy leaned forward, and wrapped her friend in a hug. It was chaste, it was safe. No flukes...none.
"I know so, Wills. Making love to you would be the...it would be a moment of pure happiness." She squeezed tight, and willed to girl to stop crying, to feel safe. She didn't mean for it to be sexy or wanton. She didn't mean to kiss the girl back, or raise her arms so her shirt could be thrown to the floor. She definitely didn't mean to help Willow remove her own shirt, or relax against the bed, kissing softly and slowly. There was nothing rushed about it. Just slow, languid, soft kisses. Beautiful, loving kisses. Another fluke...but neither seemed to care this time.
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It was early Saturday morning, and both were sound asleep, cuddled into each other. There was knocking at the door. Buffy and Willow smiled and stretched before cuddling further. A couple more hours of sleep was definitely in order; they'd both lacked sleep the past few weeks.
Nothing happened...but everything happened. Willow sat up, rubbing her eyes, as Buffy ran a calm hand down her back.
"You okay?" Buffy stretched back on the bed.
"Yeah, I think so. Thanks." Willow turned and smiled at the blonde before picking her shirt up from the ground, and pulling it over her head. The knocking stopped, so they figured it wasn't important. "And I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for; I understand. You love Fred. I'm not going to stand in the way of that. I'll be the supportive best friend." Buffy ducked her head before bending for her own shirt. Willow handed it to her, finding it impossible to ignore the bra-clad chest splayed before her.
"You've never been anything but." Willow smiled before heading for a morning shower. She felt refreshed, safe, comfortable. Maybe completely for the first time.