Starting Line
by Rin
10
[reviews]
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The semester was already over, and the best (or the worst) part was that no more flukes occurred. It seemed as though those sweet, slow kisses that night, topless, was exactly what they needed to get past those hott kisses they were prone to on occasion. Willow was even somewhat comfortable with sex, though she still found she couldn't do it with Fred.
The brunette was so frustrated, always getting to that brink of having Willow but never falling off. The redhead always held back, and she knew it wasn't because Willow didn't want her, though it felt like that. Maybe that's why she slept with Gunn, the resident advisor in her dorm. She had given into her basic instincts, and done something horrible (though it wasn't that bad...it was good actually, though she didn't want to admit it). She wanted Willow, not Gunn...it was just...he made her feel wanted, desirable, whereas those botched attempts with her girlfriend never amounted to anything but frustrated hornies. All throughout the Christmas break, she had been distant, not even trying to initiate sex with her girlfriend. They were definitely at a crossroads, and she couldn't decide whether or not to admit it.
After that night with Willow, Buffy decided that she would TRY to start dating, since this older grad guy was being so persistent. Riley was good looking enough, clean cut, all-American, definitely somebody moms everywhere approved of for their daughters. Even with all their dating, she couldn't bring herself to even kiss him. All she could think about were those sweet, languid kisses of Willow's, and how she felt complete, just by brushing her lips against the redhead's. There was no longer a need to grope each other, though...those flukes were the past. She had to focus on what happened now, since she had vowed to be best friend, and just watch (albeit heartbroken-y) Willow be happy with Fred.
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"Something wrong?" Willow huffed underneath her spot under Fred's body.
"No...no...nothing." Fred huffed her own frustration. She'd finally gotten Willow to give her all, wanting to have sex, and she found that she couldn't do it. It was her this time.
"Am...do you...is it..." Willow didn't want to cry but she could feel her tears start to fall. She was here, she wanted Fred, she'd decided to just give in, and sleep with her girlfriend. After all the coercing, she didn't expect Fred to stop.
"No...no...it's definitely...it's..." Fred rolled over to lie beside the redhead, pulling the covers over her exposed body.
"Do..." Willow didn't know what to say. She'd never felt so naked figuratively and literally.
"I love you..." Fred swallowed before risking a glance at Willow. "I love you."
"But?" Willow could hear it in her girlfriend's voice.
Fred sighed. "I don't know what to say."
"You could start by telling me what's wrong?" Willow turned on her side, pulling the covers over her own naked body.
"I..." Fred started to cry. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey, hey...no tears. It's okay." Willow's eyes turned from sad to worried, as she ran her hand down her girlfriend's arm.
"I was so frustrated...I didn't think you wanted me." Fred sniffled, as she closed her teary eyes tight.
"That's silly. Of course I did...I do...just...it...it's complicated." Willow removed her hand from her girlfriend's arm, closing in on herself.
"I have to tell you something...and I'm...so mad at myself. I can't believe I...it's not my..." Fred closed her eyes tight again, willing her tears to stop. "I...I mean, he was nice, and...I wasn't thinking...and I was mad and lonely...and...it didn't mean anything, it just...sorta happened. I'm so sorry...I'm sooo sorry."
"Wh...huh?" Willow wasn't sure what was happening. She held the covers tighter to her body.
"I...I was...I did...I didn't mean to but..." Fred risked a teary look to her girlfriend. "I feel so badly...I just...I can't look you in the eyes without thinking about how I betrayed you, us. I just...I love you sooo much."
"I...oh...umm..." Willow wasn't sure what to say, as she sat up, clutching the sheets to her tightly. "I...I should go."
"Please don't." Those words weren't as strong when Fred said them. The only thing Willow could think was 'what now? It's a free out, and I can be with Buffy.' That thinking made her feel guilty, too.
"I should tell you..." Willow fought the tears in her own eyes. "Buffy and I...well, there's more to us than..."
"I know." Fred sat up, too, not willing to look Willow in the eyes. "I've always known. I just thought...maybe you were so happy with me...I thought so...but then you'd always pull back...and...I've always known. It's always been Buffy for you. I just didn't want it to be the truth."
"You've known? How could you know? I didn't...well, okay, I did...but...you really...with somebody else?" Willow was fighting her angry reactions, trying to be rational. "It's not that I didn't want you...I want you...it's just...me and sex...I'm just not comfortable...not even with Buffy."
"So...all that...wasn't because of Buffy?" Fred was skeptical.
"Well, not all of it." Willow's voice was barely audible. She was ashamed to admit it but this was the most honest they'd ever been with each other. "So...is this it, then? What now? Am I just supposed to forget that you with somebody else?"
"Am I supposed to forget you're in love with Buffy and not me?" Fred sounded bitter, angry herself. It was unlike the sweet-hearted girl.
"I do you, too."
"See, you can't even say it. You've never said you love me, no matter how many times I say it to you."
"I'm not the one that slept with somebody else!"
"Yeah but..." They quieted their voices, both knowing that this was probably the end but neither wanting to admit it. "I am sorry."
"I know...and if I had been a better girlfriend, then you wouldn't have felt like you needed to...I just..." Willow closed her eyes again before crawling from the bed, still covering her bed while grabbing her discarded pile of clothes from the floor. "I should go...it's probably best if we're not together right now...give us time to sort things through before saying something mean."
"I love you, Willow...and I know you love me, too, even if you can't say it." Fred found her own clothes, not caring about modesty, as she pulled on her sweatshirt and boxers. "Thing is...you've never been in love with me. Not really."
"How can you say that?" Willow had just finished pulling on her tshirt.
"I think...no, I know...I'm holding you back from what you really want. I've been the bad girlfriend." Fred walked over to Willow, running her hands down the girl's arms.
"No, you're not...I mean, sure...I'm not happy, mad even about the whole other sex thing but...you've been nothing but good to me." Willow allowed Fred to cup her cheeks before placing a chaste kiss along her lips. "It's not like I was the most faithful girlfriend, either. Buffy and I...we kissed...a lot...but we stopped. We managed to stop."
"I knew." It was true. She had known; she could tell by the different ways Willow would kiss her. No, she didn't know. She suspected, and to hear it confirmed only made her feel worse. "Let's...take a break, see if we can't resolve this. If...if you decide that I'm what you really want, that Buffy isn't really what you...call me."
"I can't promise that." Willow's tears were flowing again. This was her first real relationship, and now it was ending. Did it always hurt like this? Did the heart always break like this? She understood the cliche now...it really did feel like her heart was breaking, or maybe it was heartburn from the spicy tacos at dinner.
"I can't promise that I'll always be by the phone, either. It's just the risks we take...and I'll always love you. That will never stop, no matter what." Fred leaned her forward against the redhead's. "I can't believe this is really it. I thought we'd have longer."
"Me, too." Willow wiped Fred's tears, and the brunette did the same for her.
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"Say...you gonna eat that?" Buffy felt awkward again. She always did when she was out with Riley. He was a good guy, good-looking enough...but he wasn't Willow.
"Oh...uh...no, go ahead." Riley eyed the blonde, wondering why she always held back with him. She had never let loose once, and it'd been a month since they'd started dating. There were barely any kisses, and when there was, they weren't that exciting. Sure, she was a good kisser but skill only amounted to so much. He really liked Buffy, and wanted her to like him in return. "So...classes start Monday. Are you excited to see your friend again?"
"Willow...her name is Willow." Buffy couldn't believe he'd forget. It was all she ever talked about. "And yes, I haven't seen her since Christmas break started. She's been too busy with Fred."
"Her boyfriend?" Riley couldn't believe the hint of jealousy behind her tone.
"No, her girlfriend...short for Winifred." Buffy's pout was cute but it confused him. Then, it hit him.
"Oh...you mean, they're like..." He wasn't sure how he felt about that: Buffy being jealous of lesbians. He didn't have a problem with it, it's just...his girlfriend was jealous of lesbians. It wasn't exactly a good sign. Always a good time to change the topic. "So, you move back in the dorms Sunday?"
"Yeah. I'm gonna miss my mom but it'll be good to see Wills again. You never realize how much you miss living with somebody until you don't anymore." Buffy just played with Riley's leftovers. She didn't really want them; she just wanted to prove that she had a healthy appetite, and wasn't some dainty girly type that only ate salads. "I guess you wouldn't know, since you have a single."
"I did the dorm life...but it's different with guys, I guess. I didn't really ever miss my roommates. I just sorta...recognized they were there...sometimes. I didn't really keep tabs on them." Riley watched the girl play with the food. "You ready to go? I can pay, and walk you home, if you'd like."
"Sure." Buffy was staring off into space again. She did that a lot, especially since those final kisses with Willow. Gods...is that all she ever thought about? Wasn't that their parting fluke? Weren't they past the hormonal neediness now?
Riley walked her home, and she let him kiss her again. Still, she compared his kisses to Willow's, and his in no way were up to par. She probably would've thought differently if she weren't still so hooked on the redhead...but it was true. Even after all those goodbye kisses, she still wanted Willow...badly.