Starting Line
by Rin
11
[reviews]
----------
The semester started, and Willow was depressed. She had yet to tell Buffy about Fred because she knew that if she voiced it out loud, it would be true. She knew that she would fall into Buffy's arms, and that would be it. There would be nothing holding them back...except maybe Riley. She couldn't tell if the blonde really liked him or not. Whenever she'd catch them kissing, she'd turn her head, both out of respect for her friend and angered jealousy. The thought of another person kissing HER Buffy was unspeakable, even more unspeakable than her breakup with Fred. Several times, she'd been tempted to yank the blonde from Riley's arms, and kiss Buffy soundly herself. Then, she'd remember how Buffy had been good to her when she was with Fred.
After all, they'd had those parting kisses...maybe Buffy really did move on. She'd said she didn't want anybody else...but here she was with Riley. It was confusing, and frustrating, and it was driving Willow slowly insane thinking about it. It was another step on the staircase...and she really, really hated that staircase.
-------
"Hey...slow night?" Buffy walked in to see the redhead sulking at her laptop again. If she wasn't sulking there, she was reading while sulking, or sulking while driving. There should be a law for those things. She was really worried for her friend.
"Oh, hey. No, just finished my homework early." Willow's frown was permanently attached to her face this past month. She was trying to sort through her breakup with Fred before jumping into anything with Buffy, and the moment she mentioned it, she was afraid of doing just that.
"Which means you finished your homework for the semester?" Buffy smirked. The redhead was always reliable; it's one of the things she loved about her.
"Would you hate me if I said yes?" Willow shrugged before turning her attention back to her laptop. "Not all, though. There's still readings and assignments...and, and...other things to do. Just...finished what's listed on the syllabi."
"Syllabi...you'd think they'd think of a better word for that. It sounds...dirty." Buffy snickered before removing her own backpack. She'd stayed out after class for a study date with Riley. "Anything else new? How's Fred? Talk to her already?"
"Oh...um...nothing new, no." Willow's face fell at the mention of her girlfriend...ex-girlfriend, though Buffy wouldn't know that. Gods...why couldn't she just get over the heartache already? Why couldn't she just fall into Buffy?
"So..." Buffy shuffled her feet, as she started getting ready to call it a night. "Xander's buying us dinner tomorrow? What do you think the big news is?"
"No telling with him. He's been so busy with Anya, it wouldn't surprise me if she was pregnant, or they were getting married. He likes playing 'grown-up' but fifty bucks says he chickens out, and leaves her at the altar." Willow snickered, too.
"Well, I for one am not passing up free nummies." Buffy chuckled, as she made her way to the bathroom. If she faked cheerfulness, then maybe Willow's moping wouldn't effect her as much. Yeah, that was a plan.
------
Anya wasn't there...so there went Willow's theory. It was just the three of them, like it used to be.
"I wanted to buy my bestest buds some dinner, and celebrate my promotion! I am officially a carpenter now." Xander secretly wanted to see these two together. He was having those naughty dreams again, and figured it'd be a good cure if he saw them in person.
"Wow! That's great, Xan." Buffy didn't have to fake her cheerfulness this time. Willow just nodded in agreement.
"I have a little job security now...and Anya wants us to find an apartment together, get me out of the basement." Xander sipped at his water. He noticed Willow doing the same thing since they'd arrived; the redhead barely said anything, a permanent pout plastered on her face.
"There's a great place close to campus, so we could meet up more often. I miss this...just us." Buffy placed her arm around Willow's chair to balance her leaning, as the waiter came to take their order. She tried to ignore the jumpiness in the redhead at this action.
"So, how are things with Riley?" Xander watched both pair of eyes closely, trying to gauge a reaction. Willow's didn't change but Buffy's darkened. He wasn't sure how to take it.
"Oh...good, I guess. It's still new."
"Two months is hardly new, Buffster. Details...I need details." Xander wanted to get a jealous reaction from the redhead, get her to claim her love for the blonde. So far, his efforts were futile. It pissed him off.
"No details. A lady doesn't discuss such things."
"Since when are you a lady?" Xander chuckled. "What about Fred? What's she doing down in L.A.?"
"This and that." Willow said this so non-committally that Xander didn't know who he was speaking to for a moment. This wasn't his Wills, this wasn't his best friend. Something was wrong.
The rest of dinner, they stayed on safe topics, Willow just sitting quietly, sipping her water. When Xander dropped them off at the dorms, he told Buffy that he'd talk to her tomorrow. He wanted a few minutes alone with Willow. They sat in the car, neither saying anything for a few moments.
"What's wrong?" Xander was worried. Where was fun, bright, cheery Willow? He would've settled for any emotion, actually...just not this...dead, sad Willow.
"Nothing's wrong. Just tired, I guess." Willow started to play with her fingernails.
"No, something's bothering you. I can tell. Is it me? Did I do something?" Xander never was good at telling when he was the bad guy. He knew he could've avoided this whole 'Buffy/Willow' not together, not happy thing if he hadn't been such a dickhead. It just took him too long to figure that out.
"No, you're fine. I'm not mad at you." Willow sat there for a few minutes. "I'm mad at myself."
"Why? You're fun-lovin' Wills...well, usually..." Xander urged her on, hoping she'd confide in him again.
"Fred and I broke up before the semester started." Willow swallowed hard. There...she said it out loud...to somebody other than herself even. "It's...she and I...we..."
"Wow...that's...why didn't you say anything? I could've avoided foot in mouth disease at dinner." Xander gripped the steering wheel. That was big news. So, why wasn't she with Buffy now then? The blonde obviously didn't like Riley as much as she let on.
"It's okay. We still talk. Just...not as much, or as..." Willow stared at her hands again.
"Breakups are never easy." Xander tried to be super sensitive but he never was one for emotions.
"I wouldn't know...it's my first one." Willow's voice was soft and low.
"Is that why you haven't made the move on Buffy yet? I figured that's what you wanted." Sure, he looked at Buffy, and sometimes those feelings would surface but he got over them. He knew it was a lost cause. Willow was meant to be with Buffy. If he'd seen that before, then maybe they would've always been happy...together. This was his penance for being an ass.
"I'm just not ready. I mean...it'd be so easy...but...this is the first time I've even said it out loud. I didn't know it would hurt so much." Willow fought the tears. She'd been crying enough lately, making sure Buffy was gone before she let them fall.
"So...she doesn't even know that you're single now?" Xander let out a deep breath. "That explains a lot."
"No it doesn't." Willow's pout returned.
"Yeah, it does. I mean, why else would she be wasting her time with Riley? It makes perfect sense now. She doesn't know that she can have you." Xander was convinced it was his duty to get rid of Riley now.
"Don't do anything stupid."
"What?"
"You have that 'I'm about to do something stupid' look on your face. I can tell. Just...I'm not ready to tell her yet. If I do, then she'll think I don't want her, even when I'm available...and even then, I'm not really available. Not really. I'm still healing. I can't just jump into another relationship like that. I'm not made like that. I'm not you." Willow couldn't believe she said that out loud. Wow...her moping and sulking didn't allow for any barriers. Get rid of some pent up anger while she's at it.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Xander knew he deserved it...but was it really necessary to say it? Yeah...it probably was. Part of him knew that the redhead still blamed him. He remembered their fights, and how she'd always hold back her anger. She was a good friend. Him...not so much apparently.
"Nothing...sorry. Just...don't do anything stupid, okay?" Willow got out of the car without another word, and shut the door before Xander could answer her. Instead, she just sulked back to her room.
-----------