The Princess Bride
by Whedonist
Chapter 4
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A/N: Sorry this chapter's kinda short...more in the next few days...promise
Chapter 4
Angel looked around the pit. He would need a miracle to pull off what he wanted. The one person that could have helped him was dead. He looked back at the body of the mysterious redhead. He looked at Xander and saw the big guy shuffling his feet and looking just this side of depressed. He looked at Willow one more time and let his resolve settle in. It was a long shot, but if there was one person that could help him it was Wesley.
"Come on Xand lets go and bring the body."
"What?"
"We Liam's have never taken defeat easily. We're going to see someone that might be able to help us. Do you have any money?"
"A little."
"I just hope it's enough to buy us a miracle."
Xander slung the body over his shoulders and moved to follow Angel. They moved quickly through the town. People not really wanting to bother a giant; no one questioned the appearance of the girl slung over his massive shoulders. The house, if one was to call it that, was set back away from the main part of the village. Angel wiped his clammy hands on his pants and began knocking.
He heard Wesley inside, "Go away" Angel continued to knock until he saw Wes's head poke out of the door.
"What? What?"
"Are you Wesley Pryce, the same Miracle Wyndam-Price that worked for the king all those years?
"The king's stinking son fired me and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful memory. Hey while you're at it why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it! We are CLOSED!" Miracle Wesley harrumphed and slammed the door in Angel's face.
Angel stood there shocked for a moment. He mulled over his options deciding that failure was not an option. He rapped on the door once again this time with more force.
Wesley poked his head through the peep hole this time, "Beat it or I'll call the brute squad!"
Xander laughed, "I'm on the brute squad!"
Wesley looked the giant up and down, "You are the brute squad!" Thinking it was better to try and reason with the two standing there, he opened the door and decided to waste some time.
Angel stepped into Wesley's space and said, "We need a miracle, it's very important."
"Look, I'm retired, besides why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you want the miracle for."
Angel let a small smile out, "She's already dead."
"Oh," Wesley gave the matter some thought and at least thought he could make a quick buck on the deal, "Already dead, eh? Bring her in. I'll take a look."
Xander walked into the small cottage and stooped over trying not to hit his head on the ceiling and laid Willow down on a table placed in the center of the workroom. Wesley stooped over Willow checked her heart and pulse, lifted her arm and let it fall once or twice. He hmmmed and aaahhhhed over the corpse.
"Wesley, we're in a rush."
The miracle worker turned to Angel, "I've seen worse and besides sonny, don't rush me. You rush a miracle and you get a rotten miracle. You got any money?"
"65 dollars."
"Oh, I never work for so little except once and that was a very noble cause."
Angel put on a sad face and tried, "This is noble. Her husband was killed and left her 3 children to feed. They are on the brink of starvation and if she isn't revived, her children were become enslaved by Monsignor Wilkins."
Wesley leveled a look at Angel, "You are a rotten liar."
Deciding for the truth, he said, "I need her to help me avenge my father murdered these 20 years."
Wesley sighed, "Your first story was better." He turned from the two men and started rummaging around on a crowded workstation. "Now where is that bellow's cramp?" He tapped his lips and then ducked under the table. He reappeared a moment later with what looked like a soot blower. "She probably owes you money, eh? Well, I'll ask her."
"Uh, she's dead Wesley. The dead don't talk." Xander said confused.
Wesley let a low whistle, "Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open her mouth." Xander obliged and let the miracle worker insert the end of the blower into Willow's mouth. He expanded the contraption and then began pumping air into the body. "Now mostly dead, she's slightly alive. With all dead, there's only one thing you can usually do with all dead."
Angel cocked his head, "What's that?"
"Go through their pockets and look for loose change." He stopped pumping and set the blower down. Roughly, Miracle Wyndam-Pryce peeled open Willow's eyelids and spoke loudly, "Hello in there, Hey, what's so important? Whatcha got here that's worth living for?" He took both hands and pressed on the pirate's diaphragm.
The sound started low and rumbling, but you could here, "Dddttrrrruuuu LLlloooooobbbbbbbeeeee"
Angel smiled, "True love, you heard her. You could not ask for a more noble cause than that."
Wes huffed, "Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT, mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich. Especially when the mutton is all nice and lean and the tomato's are ripe and perky." Wesley smacked his lips together for emphasis and continued, "I love that, but that's not what she said. She distinctly said TO BLATHE. As we all know, to blathe, means to bluff. So you were probably playing cards and she cheated, eh?"
A brunette came running out of the back. "Liar, lliiiaaarrrr!"
Wesley looked shocked for a moment and recovered quickly. "Get back Witch!"
The brunette pointed a finger at his chest and leveled with him nose to nose, "I'm not a witch I'm your wife, but after what just came out of your mouth I don't know if I want to be that anymore!"
"You never had it so good woman!"
"She said true love, she said true love Wesley, my god how could you!"
"Don't say another word Winifred!"
Fred turned to Angel and Xander, "He's afraid. Ever since Spike fired him, his confidence is shattered."
Wes gasped, "Why did you say that name? I asked you not to say that name."
Fred turned back to her husband and smirked, "What Spike?"
The miracle man covered his ear, "Aaahhh."
"Spike."
"Aaahhh"
"Spike, Spike, Spike." Fred sing-songed the name and followed her husband around the room.
"I'm not listening!" Wes began running around the table trying to avoid his wife.
If the situation hadn't been so dire, the other two men in the room would have been laughing hysterically. As it were, time was of the essence and they couldn't waste it.
"True love is expiring, Wes," Fred shook her fist at her husband and riled, "and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help."
"Nobody's hearing nothing."
"Spike, Spike, Spike."
Angel acted quickly and hoped that Wes would act out of self serving needs at the very least. He took Willow's cold hand and said, "This is Buffy's true love. If you heal her, she will stop Spike's weeding. Please Wes, I need you."
Wes stopped dead in his tracks as did Fred, "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I make her better and Spike suffers?"
"Humiliations galore." Angel confirmed.
"Hahahaha, now, that's a noble cause. Give me your money, I'm on the job." Wes put on a pointed Wizard's cap and turned to his wife. "Move woman."
"Woohooo" Fred's cry of approval rang through the air. "You're lucky I love you, you crotchety old bag."
They turned to the bench and moved together effortlessly. Five minutes later saw Fred brushing a chocolate coating over a pill they had made.
Angel made a face, "That's a miracle pill?"
Fred smiled finishing the job, "The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but you have to wait 15 minutes before full potency. Also, you shouldn't go swimming for at least what?" She turned to Wesley.
"An hour."
"Yeah an hour."
Angel grabbed the sack they placed the pill in, "Thank you, thank you both." He turned to Xander who already had Willow in his arms.
They exited and heard as they retreated Wes, "Have fun storming the castle!"
Fred hollered after them, "Bye bye boys!" She turned to her husband and whispered, "You think it will work?"
Wes was still smiling at the three, "It would take a miracle."
They shut the door to their home and hoped for the best.
They had carried Willow's body to the front of the castle wall. When she came to, they needed to act and act quickly. They propped the pirate up and removed the pill.
Xander glanced back at the guarded gates, "Angel, there's more than 30 there now."
Angel shrugged, "What's the difference my friend. We have her now. Help me." He was trying to pry Willow's mouth open and shove the pill down her throat. "We are going to have to force feed her." They had been able to get the pill down Willow's throat and now the two were waiting.
Xander looked at Willow and then to Angel, "How long do you think it will take?"
"We can't wait that much longer I know. The wedding's in a half hour. We must strike during the hustle and bustle before hand and move quickly."
As the words left his mouth, Willow's eyes popped open and she started screaming, "I'll beat you at your part! I'll take you both together!"
Xander smiled, "I guess not very long."
Willow panicked, "Why won't my arms move."
Angel tried to explain, "We had Miracle Wesley make a pill to bring you back to life."
"Huh? Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buffy?"
"Slow down babble mouth and let me explain." Angel tried to reassure the redhead. "Wait, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buffy is marrying Spike in little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in there, break up the wedding, steel Buffy, and make our escape. That is after I kill Countess Rugen."
Willow scrunched her mouth together and began thinking, "That doesn't leave us much time for being all willy nilly." Her gears began turning and the hand that was resting on her chest wiggled its thumb.
"Hey," Xander said, "you just wiggled your thumb that's wonderful."
Willow looked at Xander, "I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?"
Xander took Willow by the arm and let her look at the guarded castle gate.
"There is but one working castle gate and it's guarded by 60 men." Angel said.
"Our assets?" Willow hoped for the best.
"Your brains, Xander's strength, and my steel."
The pirate shook her head, "Impossible. If I had a month to plan maybe I could have come up with something!"
"You just shook your head. That doesn't' make you happy?"
"You giant, be quiet. My brains, his steel, and your strength against 60 men and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmmm? If only we had a wheelbarrow."
"Xander, where did we put that wheelbarrow the dweeb had?"
"With that dweeb Andrew I think."
"Why didn't you two list that among our assets? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak."
Xander's face lit up and he pulled a black cloak from his shirt, "Would this work?"
Willow did a double take and let the plan she had firmly lock in her mind. It could work, but they had to act quickly if it was to be effective. She pulled the two men together and explained her idea.